I honestly really need help, or maybe I just need somebody to talk to. Either way I’m posting this up with the hopes that nobody will judge me.
My parents have recently found me a rishta. If all goes well we will (inshallah) have our nikkah in December. He will then proceed to apply for citizenship within the country that me and my family currently live in and then move here. I honestly don’t have any problems with the entire ‘arranged marriage’ thing, or the guys family. I’m pretty sure the problem is me.
I have a history of self harming. Before anybody says anything, I’m going to say that I have gotten help and I’ve stopped, this was in the past. My parents don’t know this. The only people that know is myself, my counselor, and a close friend. But I still have scars. And that scares me. I’m probably over thinking this but, I’m not sure if after out nikkah I should tell him about this or let him find out on his own (either way he’ll find out somehow). I need help/guidance, even if I am over thinking this I would really appreciate somebody telling me.
Re: Rishta talks?
hmm tricky one...
do you think you can reveal about your scars without telling the reason behind the scars?
if you want to mention self harming, will you be comfortable sharing why you were self harming?
on the other side, hiding such things is nto an option as councelling is pretty much medical treatment and it will be brought up at any medical/ health related issue.
Re: Rishta talks?
It might not need to be brought up at any medical/health related issue.. I had counselling last year and it's never mentioned unless I want it to be..
Are the scars still very visible? If so I would say something..
Have you used anything to try and fade your scars? If they don't bother you can just leave them of course but if you're worried try something like Bio-oil, Retin-A or even a medium/deep peel.. If you have time you could probably fade them so they're barely noticeable at all.. I have an old scar (from a burn) and used silicone sheets to flatten it completely and fade the colour to match my skin tone.. There are quite a few good options nowadays.. Try not to worry too much about it..
Re: Rishta talks?
how serious was it?
Remember, its hard to tell truth but life become easy after that and its easy to tell a lie (or hide a truth) but life becomes harder after that. Additionally this actually is something that can effect mutual life after.
Re: Rishta talks?
I've tried to help them fade away. And most of them have, but some of the really bad scars are still very visible. And it's easy to tell that they're self inflicted.
I'm not exactly good at talking about why I did it in the first place. I'm not sure what I should do. Should I just tell him straight up (after a while of knowing each other of course) or wait for him to find out? I'm afraid it'll negatively affect our future relationship.
Re: Rishta talks?
Isome of the really bad scars are still very visible. And it's easy to tell that they're self inflicted.
So he's going to find is VERY soon….either on the wedding night or within days later about this.
Should I just tell him straight up (after a while of knowing each other of course) or wait for him to find out? I'm afraid it'll negatively affect our future relationship.
Instead of having him find this out asap after the wedding where stress/emotions are high, the entire family is there and WILL notice if there is a change in his mood, and plus having him feel like he was "tricked" or lied to…….for your own sake, I think you should tell him after a little while of getting to know one another. Let him know that your parents and others don't know this and you would appreciate him not revealing this detail to ANYONE….even if he chooses to break off the engagement after hearing this. Also let him know the reason behind you sharing this info. with him before the nikah (ie. you want to give him the option of backing out if this is something that bothers him, and don't want him to feel that he was lied to).
Oh and do it at least a month before nikah. Don't wait until the nikah is like 3 days away.
Re: Rishta talks?
Thanks, I'll try that. I hope it doesn't bother him. But thank you very much. It helped. Kind of. I think I'm freaking out more though /:
Re: Rishta talks?
I hope it doesn't bother him. But thank you very much. It helped. Kind of. I think I'm freaking out more though /:
You're welcome! 2 Things:
This is not something you can hide from your husband…whoever that may be. If a guy is going to be bothered by it, then it's better for YOU to find out before nikah than after.
You mentioned you have a counselor…I strongly urge you to seek out the counselor's help in dealing with this stress. Also, I imagine it is hard for you to talk about this so IF you're comfortable with it…..you can also let the guy know that you'd be willing to allow him to talk to your counselor (in your presence of course) if the guy has any questions/concerns regarding this. Most people haven't dealt with cutting (desis are even worse) so they may have questions/misconceptions etc. The counselor will be in a better position to explain it (why people do it, how you have recovered etc.) to the guy than you since you will naturally be nervous.
Re: Rishta talks?
Aw..inshaaAllah he will be understanding. Pray all goes well. Talk about it with your counselor, the counselor can help you assess the most comfortable approach, and how much you should reveal.
Re: Rishta talks?
Thank you all for your support, it really helped ease my nerves and I'm working on what I will say to him. Thanks again
