Rishta talks moving along fast?

Lifestyle Relationships
1

You guys seem really good at giving advice and God knows I need some!

I’m 26, female, live in Europe and come from a traditional yet moderate family.

For about 1 year my parents have been looking for a rishta, but with all the horror-stories about families that lie/cheat/etc my parents have heard, their priority has been to make sure that the family is good etc. so my parents have refused a lot of rishtas without introducing them to me.
A family whom my parents know from back in the day, when they where kids in Pakistan, contacted my parents and from there the baatein began. They live in another country in Europe.

At first I said HELL NO! This ain’t happening, because he has to be well educated, A LOT taller then me, because I’m 5’7 and I want to wear my stilettos. He has to be atleast a couple of years older. He has to be born and brought up in the west. I don’t want to marry a - sorry for the generalisation - paindo or fob.

This guy is not educated, he hasn’t even gone to high-school. He is 5’8 and was born in Pakistan, he has only lived in the west a decade or so, but has a good job. He is only a couple of months older them me. He seems so well integrated and is extremely intelligent. He is traditional yet he is so much more tolerant and open then most guys who are born and brought up in the west.

The families LOVE each-other and I am starting to like him. We are so much alike in so many ways. We share the same views on many subjects/issues. I can definitely see my self with him, for the rest of my life.
I won’t say I’m in love(yet), but I like him. A LOT!

I have a few concerns though.

1 We have only been talking for 1,5 months, but he is coming to visit in a month or so, and the families want us to get engaged or nikkafied. Is this too early? I feel like I can’t “let him go”, and wouldn’t mind getting engaged or nikkahfied, but one side of me is questioning my self, wether it is to early or not.

2 If we get engaged or nikkafied, how do I tell my co-workers and non-desi friends? I can’t go from having no fiance/husband, to having one. Or can I? If you live in the west, how did you go about it? I just cannot be bothered to take up the whole arranged/forced/love-marriage discussion. I know that if I tell them the truth they will want to discuss it, and they won’t be happy for me.

2

Re: Rishta talks moving along fast?

not even a High School graduate and has a job who wants to be nikaahofied on his first visit?

i see red flags all over!

3

Re: Rishta talks moving along fast?

  1. Go for it
  2. They dont' matter. Your life, your marriage.
4

Re: Rishta talks moving along fast?

There is a BIG difference between an engagement and a nikah. Engagement is a promise to marry. Nikah is actually getting married. So which one is it? Do they want an engagement or the nikah?

My personal opinion is that it is too early for an actual nikah. You have never even met this guy in person! What's the rush? If they want to do a formal engagement....that should be fine. But the nikah should be delayed until BOTH sides are prepared to go all the way.....meaning they're ready to do the nikah AND the rukhsati/reception etc.

5

Re: Rishta talks moving along fast?

If his family is good then there is a great possibility that he's raised well and will be a good husband. Doing job is a positive and about physical attributes, no one can help you decide.

6

Re: Rishta talks moving along fast?

I don't think so.

[quote]
2 If we get engaged or nikkafied, how do I tell my co-workers and non-desi friends? I can't go from having no fiance/husband, to having one. Or can I? If you live in the west, how did you go about it? I just cannot be bothered to take up the whole arranged/forced/love-marriage discussion. I know that if I tell them the truth they will want to discuss it, and they won't be happy for me.
[/quote]

I don't see why this is even an issue.

7

Re: Rishta talks moving along fast?

Good luck op. He sounds like good guy. As for education you can always motivate him to get his studies on the side. If he is intelligent and smart then he is good guy.

8

Re: Rishta talks moving along fast?

how did he get a good job if he's barely educated? Just wondering--not doubting it.

9

Re: Rishta talks moving along fast?

I don't think these are huge issues or even all that confusing. If you need more time, tell your parents. They will want to know exactly how much time you will need, so give them a number...1 month? 2? If you want, you can also do istikhara during this time and if it's meant to be then things will progress and if it's not meant to be, then the rishta won't happen. So, that's also an option.

About telling your coworkers....when you get engaged, tell them. If they ask how come you never mentioned having a boyfriend before...just say that you weren't ready to talk about it before because you didn't know how things were going to turn out and you can say that your families were old friend that reconnected and in the process you both met again and clicked. You don't even have to use words like arranged or forced...especially the latter....because yoi are not being forced and neither is the guy. Coworkers' opinions of your relationship and the time-frame of it shouldn't matter.

10

Re: Rishta talks moving along fast?

I would take more time. Sure the families love each other, but you have to live with him at the end of the day. You can't let him go, then go for engagement.

11

Re: Rishta talks moving along fast?

Take some time but I don't see any red flags or issues to be concerned about.

Also, telling your colleagues is not an issue to be worried over.

12

Re: Rishta talks moving along fast?


the OP said he is NOT even a High School graduate yet he holds a nice job, he wants to be nikaahofied or engaged on the first visit...i say, how did he get a good job without a degree and why is he in such a hurry?

i believe these are red flags if OP is gainfully employed.

13

Re: Rishta talks moving along fast?

I know a few people who have great jobs and don't have any higher education. No college degree at all. What happened is they fell into their career paths at a young age, gained A LOT of experience and have made themselves valuable in another way.

This guy doesn't have to fit into some cookie cutter mold here...no one really does. OP cannot define her ideal partner according to what other people think is suitable. One of my high school class mates...her father was an extremely successful and sharp businessman. His education: 8th grade. Never even made it to high school. He had me baffled because you couldn't tell.

Education IS important but an actual college setting is not for everyone. Some - with no documented higher education - end up sounding much more educated than people with PhD's at times. Like the OP mentioned...she's more educated than this guy but they seem to work really well together. How? If he was a backward, narrow-minded, illiterate guy...her parents wouldn't have entertained him. She would not be confused about him. He would have been rejected a long time ago.

He could be in a hurry for many reasons.

To clarify::::::: I am not saying go and marry him. What I am saying is...if he's smart, ambitious, responsible and you like him...there's no reason to shoot him down. Keep getting to know him.

14

Re: Rishta talks moving along fast?

I like Reha's response.

2. Isn't an issue, but if you want to explain how you suddenly got engaged, just say it was sort of arranged, but you guys have been talking etc.

1. Engagement may be a better option?

15

Re: Rishta talks moving along fast?


it's possible but it's kinda rare though...very rare as a matter of fact. you need a life time to get to where he is job wise in a very short time. if he was in stock business i can understand that he made a lot of money as a self employed person. it all depends what kinda job he has because OP never mentioned that. a good job means a progressive job for which you need a degree of some sort at least

the reason why i said it raises red flags is the fact that in this day and age there are a lot of con artists around. never trust anything on the face value or whatever they tell you...you need to investigate before you get into a everlasting relationship.

besides, isn't it strange that the guy and the parents want to get either engaged or nikaahofied on the first visit...it shows desperation on part of the man. looks like he doesn't want to give enuf time to the girl toinvestigate or think it over rationally.

those are the reasons why i think red flags go up!

OP, good luck if you decide to go ahead! :)

16

Re: Rishta talks moving along fast?

Good for ya CM...i say go for it whole heartly if ya think..you have made right decision.

17

Re: Rishta talks moving along fast?

i don't see any red flag. uneducated people can be nice people. i would say get engeged. and see how things turn out for you. good luck!
i know someone who is looking for rishta for very long time.
he is very good guy. family is great. but he is not educated. self employed. i wont say he is rich. but make enough money.
he didnt find any rishta here. he is going to pak to get married. so yah now people see career and how rich the guy is.

18

Re: Rishta talks moving along fast?

Although education is important, intelligence is even more important. People put too much value in pieces of paper given by colleges or universities. There are many other ways one can do well. You can start your own business, learn a trade or learn on the job. It looks like he has a lot of good qualities. You should get engaged, especially if you feel the same once you meet him in person. Get to know him a little more and then get married.

19

Re: Rishta talks moving along fast?

Mike in Suits > all Harvard grads! :k:

20

Re: Rishta talks moving along fast?

Yeah but if you got a rishta from his would you accept it?

Dude’s a liar and a cheater, and manipulative, not just in professional but in personal life as well.

:smokin: