So I needed some advice regarding a rishta situation and decided to sign up instead of lurking to ask for help. My family is currently talking to a family for my rishta, but the aunty has made a request which we’re not sure is normal or not. She does want to move forward with things, however she recently asked my mom for numbers for my friends (from school or university) or numbers of some relatives of ours who know me, so she can ask people about me. I understand that people can ask for references (in Pakistan people ask for references etc), but I just feel it’s an unusual request (because it almost feels like a job interview) - then again my family and I don’t have much experience with stuff like this, because in my family most rishtas are within the family itself (and this family is not related to us, hence they want to do more ‘background checking’ i guess). I am happy to give numbers for people, not like I have something to hide, but I’m just confused about what to think about all this, if it’s a red flag or if this is relatively normal? If families don’t know each other from before is it common for people to make requests like these? Any help would be great, thank you!
I think its a weird request especially in regards to your friends. As a friend I think I would find it weird if your MIL called me to ask about you. I mean what am I suppose to say? .. And what if I dont say much and they take that as a sign and call the rishta off? .. Or I say something, which they find offensive or rude or whatever? .. I'm not sure I would give my friends no. out to a prospective rishta. If they wanna do a background check on me and my family, I'm sure there are many ways of doing so without having to drag my friends into this.
What they are asking for is not a norm but there could be one or more bad previous experiences in the family which are making them over cautious this time. If you and your family feel that everything else about them is alright, don't hesitate in sharing those details as there is nothing wrong in it.
as i said, ask for their references...ask for the guy's friend's numbers...i'm sure he'll back off. this is how desi men work...when it comes to them, it's a big NO NO!
It looks like they're trying to exercise due diligence, which is normal. I've known of people asking friends/acquaintances/possible acquaintances about the background of a potential rishta. What strikes me as unusual here is that it's all done behind the person's back. In the few cases I've been asked about someone, they've also told me not to mention anything about their inquiry to the potential rishta.
It's definitely not normal. Most people ask around in the neighbourhood, college or workplace. However, it's usually done independently without your knowledge. This is done to gain an objective perspective; if you were to give them the references, you'll most likely only refer them to people who have good things to say about you. So for instance, if a guy/girl is a smoker or has a bad reputation in college/workplace, the chances of you finding out about this are higher if you ask random classmates/colleagues vs. only asking the really close friends who can cover it up very easily.
You can tell them you're concerned about privacy because at this point you haven't told that many people and it's certainly not the norm in your family to make the news public unless an engagement has happened. That way you don't have to involve friends or distant acquaintances. You can provide names of close family (like khalas, phuphu, chachi, etc) and let them know generally which college/uni you went to so if they choose to do some checks on their own, they're welcome to.
it's a bit intrusive. surely a simple google or facebook stalking is good enough. besides they are your friends so they won't say anything negative. I think it's a bit too much. My friend had to go through a similar process to get a job in defence department and in public service. never heard anything like this happening for rishtas.
My parents have been asked about boys that worked at their businesses, but because my dad was their boss/prior employer, and could tell the girls’ family that yes, he’s a responsible kid, and this is what he’s planning to do with his life, OR he was the biggest laziest ass you’ll ever meet, never showed up on time, was rude to people, and isn’t going anywhere, and oh by the way, he has a drug problem. :k:
But that was done behind the guy’s back, so the prospective groom never knew my dad had been contacted. Also, in another situation, we were helping a family with a rishta and the girl lived around here, so they had us ask around some guys who had gone to college with her as to what her rep was, and they all said she studied and kept to herself and other girls, and didn’t date.
So yeah, be careful folks, anything you do, even if a harmless date in college, can be dug up and used against you later.
jesus christ, and let's add another wrench in ther.e....how do you know your relatives won't badmouth you to mess up your rishta? Or you have hte bad luck of having more "frenemies" than friends? eh eh eh?
Sara, instead of our community getting involved and being friendly and good to each other, even families are down at odds with one another viewing each other with suspicion. Because every family knows that it’s become difficult to work with other families, and marriages are increasingly failing,and it’s harder and harder to find a girl who will dance to your tune no matter how much you abuse her. :k:
Bewaqoofi seriously, why not just talk to the girl and get to know her better?
That is a little strange. In my family we check references of the rishta through common acquaintances - old neighbours, dur-kay-rishtedaar etc. It's done without explicitly telling the other party, but everyone is aware that some background checking will happen. It doesn't make sense to ask someone's friend about his/her character anyway - they're not likely to give an unbiased answer.
A better option IMO is to have both families meet face to face a couple of times, preferably once at each family's home. That gives you a better idea of their lifestyle and interpersonal interactions, rather than meeting in a neutral setting.
Jis rishte ki bunyaad shakk pe ho wo kamyaab ni hota , Me is k against hun jo wo aap se dene ko keh ree hain !
Jahan me rehta hun wahan mostly ppl out of family n relatives hi shadi krte hain cuz aksar k relatives ni hain , So aisee koi cheez hm ne ni dekhi na suni kbhi kisi se !
Rishta is, binding 2 families together , nt ye batein wo batein ye frnz wo frnz ko issue bna kr uchalna in future !