My parents are looking for a guy for me in Pakistan even though I’ve been raised and lived in the US basically my entire life. My dad and his brothers (my uncles) will be making the final decision about which guy I marry. What do I do? I mean, yes I want to be an obedient daughter but how am I suppose to marry a complete stranger? I’m not allowed to speak to him on the phone either. And I spoke with my mother but as much as she wants to help me, she has to listen to my dad first and foremost. And according to my dad, he won’t marry me to someone in the US because our social circle is non-existent and he thinks guys in Pakistan are some how better morally. I’m so stressed out, don’t know what to do. Any advice would be appreciated.
Re: Rishta problems/struggle
how old are you?
how much do you earn?
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I would ask my parents first if they can look in the U.S. Yes, it is harder to find guys with good morals in the U.S. but Pakistani guys born and raised in Pakistan are not that far behind. All you need to do is some Google searches and find out all the things going on in Pakistan. Things are much different now then they were when our parents were there. You can show your parents that look at all the things that are happening in Pakistan. The important thing is finding someone who is good from a good family.
Family customs and culture seems to be embedded in my family. I see the same problem with most of my Pakistani friends. I come from a religious family and the way I got around to talking to my now spouse when I was looking to get married is that I said that it is in our religion to talk before getting married. Sometimes there is nothing you can do as the other party did not want to talk.
All else fails then drop the nuke, in my family it is not liking someone. There is nothing they can do when you say you are not attractive to the person. I used this multiple times and it worked each and every time. Even if I liked the girl but I did not want to marry her for some other reason. I tried to tell them about the reason I did not want to marry and they brought up all these things that I did not want to hear trying to nearly force me to marry her. So I started simply saying I did not like her.
Re: Rishta problems/struggle
same age long story...you have to tell them politely that you will NOT marry someone from back home...you don't put forward your opinion...you tell them about your decision. tell then straightforward that you will NOT marry someone from Pakistan...tell them to look for someone in the USA. :)
get a backbone transplant and you'll be fine! :)
Rishta problems/struggle
No, it is not hard to find a guy with good morals in America
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^I agree. It isn't difficult. It simply requires that people go out of their own social circle in some cases. Also, regardless of where the gentleman is from, people should be quite thorough in their evaluation and determine whether the he will make a good spouse. People shouldn't be more lenient simply because the guy is from Pakistan.
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Parents can be so unreasonable at times. But the important thing to keep in mind is that they want what's best for us and the process is as much (if not more) stressful for them as it is for us.
I would simply talk to them honestly and respectfully, and share my concerns and priorities with them. Let them know that there might be issues like cultural incompatibility, language/education barrier, etc. with guys from back home. Suggest that they should look in both places. If they're contacting a matchmaker back home, why not do the same here and keep an open mind. You can also register yourself online (with their consent) and consider that route if your social circle is limited. It is your life and you shouldn't have to compromise on such an important decision. At the same time, don't completely write off guys from back home either because there might be good potentials there too as long as you're given the chance to talk and get to know each other.
I know it's tough to talk to your parents about what you want. But know that marriage is for grown-ups who are accountable for managing their relationship and making it succeed or fail. If your parents don't expect you to have a say in this decision then they should probably not get you married.
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You're in America - you have good morals don't you? There are many many many others like you.
My advice: do not do anything you do not want to do. Simple.
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^Well said Reha, and the answer is direct.
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Thanks everyone for your advice. It's just so difficult to say no to your parents when they've done everything for me. I will just have to tell them I'm not ready for marriage right now.
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But what will that accomplish? Isn't it just a stalling tactic? You may be able to get them to back down temporarily, but what happens the next time they want to fix your rishta to a total stranger in Pakistan?
If you really feel like you won't be able to ever be happy with that scenario, the sooner you start communicating that to your father, the better.
Start an honest and non confrontational dialogue with him and try to find solutions or ways to find suitable matches in the US. ICNA conventions, masjids, social societies and good 'ol word of mouth are the best ways to start. You need to impress upon your parents that sooner or later they are going to have to step out of their comfort zone and start socializing a little and making an effort for your sake.
Beating around the bush will only raise flags that don't need to be raised.
Be honest and voice your concerns, but be respectful.
Re: Rishta problems/struggle
Thanks everyone for your advice. It's just so difficult to say no to your parents when they've done everything for me. I will just have to tell them I'm not ready for marriage right now.
respectimg and loving your parent is one thing, which we are all for here, but exercising your God given right to chose your life partner is NOT disrespectful and/or not loving the. you must do that with utmost respect and love...i'm sure, after some yelling and getting upset, parents will settle down and will listen to your wishes...after all, they are your parents and they love you...most parents are mostly reasonable people. good luck :)
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Thanks guys. I spoke with both of my parents and made it clear that I am NOT going to marry a guy (regardless of the fact that is from Pakistan or the US) before really getting to know him. My dad wasn't/isn't happy to hear this from me but I really don't want to be pressurized into something for the rest of my life. Thank you everyone!