Sham Lal and Rham Lal walk along an empty river-bed. Sham Lal: Where do all the pebbles in this river-bed come from?' Rham Lal: The river brought them.’
Sham Lal: Aha! And where is the river now?' Rham Lal: Don’t you know that, you stupid bahman? Obviously, the river has gone to get more pebbles!’
Sham Lal’s Lock
Sham Lal, fearful and tired of Rham Lal’s filching of his items, buys a lock. Sham Lal then tells Rham Lal: `Ha, bahman thief! Now I have bought a number combination lock for my house. All numbers are fives, but I won’t tell you in which order!’
Sham Lal’s Cow
Sham Lala’s cow was very sick. So he went and asked Rham lal, What Ayurvedic medicine did you give your cow when she was so sick that time?' Ammoniac mixed with liquor,’ replied Rham lal. Sham Lala then used Rham lal’s Ayurvedic remedy on his cow, but the cow died after two days. Sham Lala then went to complain to Rham lal, What kind of medicine you told me about? My cow died.' Rham lal then replied, So did mine.’
Peons
Sham Lal and Rham Lal were employed as peons for two officers. Their officers - one tax official and one forest officer - once met, and each claimed that his attendant was the stupidest man in the world. Intrigued by the other’s claim, they decided to test them out. The IT-collector told Sham Lal, “Sham Lal! Here are Rs. 10. Go buy me a car.” The forest officer meanwhile told Rham Lal, “Rham Lal! Go to my office and see if I am present there.” Unknown to the two officers, the two attendants met outside the office. Sham Lal said, “He, Rham Lal! You will not believe, my officer is such an idiot Mleccha! He does not know that today is Sunday and that the market is closed, so that I cannot buy any car.” Rham Lal chipped in, “My pagal boss wants me to see if he is in the office. Why can’t he call his office to see if he is present? I have never seen such a lazy officer!”
Robbers
Sham Lal and Rham Lal fell on hard days. They decided to rob the Baniya Prakash Agarwal’s house. “After all, Manu-smrti says that the world belongs to the Brahmins by right. So we can take what we want, and it is not a crime as per Hindu law,” said Sham Lal. So they both entered the Baniya’s house at night and started robbing. Inside the house, Sham Lal accidentally hit a bottle which fell over. “Who is there?” asked Prakash Agarwal from downstairs. Sham Lal had the common sense to say, “Miao” and the commotion downstairs subsided. Sham Lal then made his escape with various goods. Rham Lal then happened to hit the same bottle again. “Who is there?” asked Prakash Agarwal once again. “Nobody, just another cat. Aur ek billi.” replied Rham Lal.
Climbing Stairs
Sham Lal invited Rham lal over for dinner one day. Sham Lal’s house was 25 stories above Rham lal’s. At night, Rham lal climbed 25 stories only to find Sham Lal’s door locked and a sign hanging over it. “How did you like your dinner?” was written on the sign. Not to be outdone, Rham lal wrote, “Sorry, I could not come.”
Boiled Eggs
Once, Sham Lal’s wife was angry with the servant who had given a very cold egg to her. “Did you boil this in ice water?” she asked.
Wife’s Tooth
Once, Rham lal’s wife had a tooth-ache. “If it was my tooth, I would have pulled it out,” Rham lal said. “If it was your tooth, I would also have it pulled out!” she replied.
Counselling
Rham lal and his wife visited the marriage counseller. “My wife and I never agree. We have been married for six years!” cried Sham Lal. “No, seven!” cried his wife.
Lottery
Sham Lal prayed to god for winning in a lottery. “Hey, Bhagwan Vishnu, please make sure that I win a lottery. I am such a devout Brahmin, and hence I surely deserve this prize more than anybody else.” Then a voice came down from the heavens, “O Sham Lal! Give me a chance! At least buy a ticket!”
Suicide
Once Sham Lal became very suicidal because he lost a lot of money while gambling.
“I will jump off a ten-story building and commit suicide!” he told Rham lal in exasperation.
“But the tallest building in Mathura is five stories,” Rham lal replied.
“So what? I will jump off it twice!” snapped Sham Lal.
Money for USA
Rham Lal had gone to USA, and then phoned Sham Lal when he needed some money. “Hi Sham Lal, my good friend, can you lend me five hundred rupees?” asked Rham Lal over the phone.
“Hello? I can’t hear you!” replied Sham Lal.
“Sham Lal, it is me, Rham Lal! Can you lend me five hundred rupees?” asked Rham Lal.
“Hello? I can’t hear you!” replied Sham Lal. The operator could hear Rham Lal clearly. “There is no problem with the line, Mr. Sham Lal. It is your friend Rham Lal. He wants to borrow Rs. 500 from you,” said the operator.
“If you can hear him so clearly, then why don’t you lend that bahman five hundred rupees?” snapped Sham Lal.
Suitor for Rham Lal’s Daughter
Once a suitor for Rham Lal’s daughter was trying to convince him to let him marry her.
“I don’t want her to spend her life with a gadhaa,” said Rham Lal. “Neither do I. That is why I want to marry her,” replied the suitor.
Rham Lal at the barber
Once Rham Lal went to the barber, but the barber said he would charge him twice the normal rate of ten rupees. “Why ?” asked Rham Lal. “Ten rupees to search for and find the hair that is to be cut,” came the reply.
99 Walled Prison
Once, Sham Lal and Rham lal were lodged in a high-security prison for their links with Ranvir Sena. 99 walls separated the prisoners from the outside world. One night, Sham Lal convinces Rham lal to attempt an escape. They start climbing walls. After fifty walls, Rham lal is very tired.
“I am very tired,” he says.
“Come on, we are half-way there!” Sham Lal says.
“Okay,” says Rham lal and they continue climbing.
After 90 walls, Rham lal says,
“I am really very tired.”
“Come, only ten walls left!” cries Sham Lal, and so they continue climbing.
After 95 walls, Rham lal says, “I am too tired now, I can’t continue.”
“Come, only five walls left!” shouts Sham Lal, and they continue to climb.
After climbing the 99th wall, Rham lal says, “I cannot continue now, I am exhausted.” Sham Lal replied,
“Yes, so am I. Come, let us go back.”
He Lived to 205
Sham Lal and Rham lal are walking down the road to their hamlet. After a long walk, they take a rest against a stone, where Sham Lal reads the inscription.
“Is it not true, Rham lal, this person here lived till he was 205!”
“Where was he from?” asks Rham lal.
“Not from here,” says Sham Lal, reading the stone, “he was K.M., from Varanasi”.
Kashmir Dhaba
Sham Lala and Rham lal were approaching a dhaba which had been destroyed by a JKLF bomb only minutes before. As they passed, a head rolled out of the smoldering ruins and across the pavement before them. Sham Lala stooped, picked it up and held it up for Rham lal to see.
“Look here, Rham lal, isn’t this Dubey?”
“No, Sham Lala, no, it couldn’t be. It’s an amazing resemblance, but Dubey was taller than that.”
Sahara Desert
Sham Lal and Rham lal were flying over the Thar Desert when Sham Lal told Rham lal, ‘He Rama, look at all that sand. I wonder what they’re going to build when the cement arrives?’
Nails
‘I’d like some nails,’ Sham Lal requested the hardware man. ‘How long would you like them?’ asked the man. ‘Forever, if that’s all right with you,’ said Sham Lal.
Distances
‘How far is it to the next ashram?’ asked the Marathi pilgrim. ‘It’s about seven miles,’ guessed Rham lal. ‘But it’s only five if you run!’
Diamond Gift
‘What will you buy your wife for Diwali?’ Sham Lal asked his friend Rham lal. `Of course, she decided it for me,’ answered Rham Lal. ‘She said she wanted something with diamonds in it. So I bought her a pack of cards!’
Whiskey and a Car Accident
Rham Lal and Sham Lal get into a car accident. They both get out of their cars and stumble over to the side of the road. Rham lal shouts, “He Ram! What a wreck! Stupid bahman, can’t you see?” Sham Lal asks him, “Are you all right, Rham lal? It was not all my fault!” Then Rham lal responds, “I am a little shaken.” Sham Lal pulls a flask of whiskey from his bag and says, “Here, drink some of this it will calm your nerves.” Rham lal takes the flask and drinks it down and says, “Well, what are we going to tell the police?” “Well,” Sham Lal says, “I don’t know what you will say, but I will tell them I was not the one drinking alcohol.”
Visit to Doctor
One day Mrs. Rham lal feels sickly and goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor looks her over and says, “Well now, Mrs. Rham lal. I cannot tell what your illness is. You have to bring a urine specimen to me in the morning I can tell exactly what’s wrong.”
Mrs. Rham lal went home and said to her husband, “The doctor wants me to bring him a urine specimen in the morning. I don’t know what a urine specimen is, what am I to do?”
Mr. Rham lal replied, “I don’t know, but if you go see Mrs. Sham Lal, she’ll know what to do.”
Mrs. Rham lal then went down the road to Mrs. Sham Lal’s house and returned a few minutes later with her clothes torn, a black eye, bruises all over her body, and her hair tangled like a bird nest.
A shocked Mr. Rham lal gasped, “Sala! What happened to you?”
“I went to see Mrs. Sham Lal and asked her what a urine specimen is and she said ‘Piss in a bottle, woman.’ So, I said ‘Go drink your own piss!’ And the fight was on.”
Diamond Gift
Sham Lal and Rham Lal worked as clerks in a Government office. `The boss phoned,’ said Sham Lal. ‘He says they’re sending down a thousand forms this afternoon.’
‘He Bhagvan,’ cried Rham Lal, ‘how many forms are in a thousand?’
‘I don’t know,’ said Sham Lal, ‘but there must be millions!’
Defence of Delhi
Sham Lal and Rham lal were walking along the New Delhi road. “This Delhi, it is a bad place to be. Pakistani and Chinese rockets can hit at any time and no defence too!” reasoned Sham Lal.
‘It was bad, until now,’ said Rham lal. ‘Now of course they’ve found the answer. That’s it up in the sky - big balloons!’ Rham lal pointed to the massive inflated objects hovering over the city on guide wires.
‘You see,’ he explained, ‘the Pakistani and Chinese planes and rockets come over and bump into the balloons and are destroyed.’
‘But surely,’ argued Sham Lal, ‘when the planes hit them the balloons will burst.’
‘Indeed not,’ said Rham lal. ‘You see, the balloons must be full of concrete.’
New Ambassador
Rham Lal had bought a new Ambassador car and was taking his friend Sham Lala for a ride. As they sped along the road, Rham lal said:
"He Sham Lala! What is that thing sticking up in the front of the car?’
Sham Lala, realising he meant the Ambassador logo in the middle of the bonnet, decided to have some fun.
‘Ah that,’ he said, ‘that is a target!’
Target?' said Rham lal. Target for what?’
‘Well,’ replied Sham Lala. ‘It helps to line up policemen who are crossing the road on pedestrian crossings!’
‘Not true!’ spluttered Rham lal.
`It is,’ said Sham Lala. ‘Just wait and I’ll show you.’
Just then a policeman started to cross the road and Sham Lal drove the car straight at him. At the very last second he flicked the wheel over and swerved round the constable.
‘See what I mean? Almost his that kanstable!’ he grinned. ‘Good, eh?’
‘No, not good,’ said Rham lal. ‘If I had not opened the back door we would not have hit him at all!’
Revolving Chair
“This cow is not saying anything!” said Sham Lala one day after studying his cows.
Replied Rham Lal, “Put it in a revolving chair. Then we will know, what the chakkar (wheel) is. Isse revolving chair pe bitha do, tho pataa hoga ye chakkar kya hai.”
They Look Just like Us
Sham Lal and Rham Lal sat in the corner of the dhaba, intoxicated from their usual dose of bhang. Across the wall opposite was a huge mirror, stretching from floor to ceiling.
Glancing around the room Rham lal suddenly spotted their reflection in the mirror.
‘Sham Lal, Sham Lal,’ he whispered. ‘Don’t look now but there’s two guys over there just like us!’
‘He Rama,’ said Sham Lal, spotting the reflection. ‘They’re wearing the same clothes and everything.’
‘Sale! They even copied our dress!’ said Rham lal. ‘I’m going to give them a thrashing.’
But as Rham lal started to rise from his seat, Sham Lal said, ‘Sit down Rham lal one of them is coming to us!’
Chota Rham lal on His Father
A group of boys were boasting about the power of their fathers. Finally, Chota Rham lal (Rham lal Jr.) stood up.
“My father has 2000 people under him.”
“Really, what is he?” asked one of the astonished boys.
“He is a gardener at the local Kistian cemetary,” replied Chota Rham lal.
Sending a Turkey
One day, Rham lal in Madras received a parcel from his wife in Mathura. Opening it, he found it to be empty save for a letter. Astonished, he read her letter. She had written, “Dear Rham lalji, I was going to send you a turkey but it got better.”
Request for Money
Once Rham lal in Madras was in need of money. So he sent a letter to his friend Sham Lal in Calcutta, asking if he could send some money. After one week, Rham lal received just a single letter from Sham Lal. The letter contained the usual greeting, and ended as follows: “I must close now. I would have enclosed some money, but I’d already sealed the envelope.”
Parachute problems
Rham lal had joined the Indian Air Force and was on his first drop. Falling from the plane his parachute wouldn’t open. Plummeting towards earth, Rham lal saw another person coming up towards him from the Earth - it was Sham Lal.
‘Do you know anything about parachutes?’ cried Rham lal.
‘No,’ said Sham Lal. ‘Do you know anything about gas cookers?’
We could have walked
Rham lal and Sham Lal arrive at Andaman harbour in the Andaman Islands for their holiday. There, they noticed a diver climbing out of the water.
‘Sala,’ cursed Sham Lal. ‘All the money we paid for our tickets was wasted! We could have walked like that man there!’
Sending a Sweater
One day, Rham lal in Calcutta received a packet from his wife in Mathura. Opening it, he found a sweater and an attached letter. 'I sent you a coat in the post. When the post office weighed it they said I’d have to pay extra for the buttons because they were so heavy. So I cut the buttons off. You’ll find them in the top pocket.
Can I have an ice cream?
‘Can I have an ice cream, Dad?’ asked Shweta, Rham lal’s daughter.
‘No!’ said Rham lal, ‘It’s too cold for ice cream.’
‘Can I have one if I put my coat on?’ persisted the child.
Half-Price Tickets
Sham Lal and Rham lal wanted to see the India vs. Pakistan cricket match. Walking along, Sham Lal asked Rham lal, “Why you wearing a patch over your eye?” “You’ll see,” said Rham lal, approaching the ticket counter.
‘How much is it?’ asked Rham lal at the ticket counter.
"Twenty rupees,’ said the ticket seller.
‘Well, I’ve only got one eye and so I’m only paying ten!’ Rham lal said, pointing to the eye-patch he was wearing. And, surprisingly, the man let him in.
‘And I’m only paying ten pounds,’ said Sham Lal
‘Stop there,’ said the guard, ‘you’ve got two eyes!’
‘Yes,’ said Sham Lal, ‘but I’ve only come to see India.’
Quarrel
Once Sham Lal and Rham lal got into a quarrel which became serious and led to their arrest. Produced before the judge, Sham Lal said,
“This man has bitten my ear – I demand compensation.”
“So, Mr. Rham lal, what do you have to say to defend yourself?” asked the judge.
Rham lal replied, “He bit it himself, Your Honour.”
I did remember
Rham lal in Mathura received a letter from Sham Lal in Calcutta asking him to bring back some silk and perfume. Rham lal forgot all about it. Arriving in Calcutta, he saw Sham Lal in the street and cried out, ‘I could not bring back the things you wanted: your letter did not arrive…’
Tell your master
Rham lal visited his friend Sham Lal to borrow some money. Sham Lal’s servant said, `My master is out.’ Rham lal replied, “Tell your bahman master that next time he goes out, he should not leave his face at the window. Someone might steal it.”
Sleeping and Mosquito Nets
Once, Sham Lal visited his friend Rham lal. He found Rham lal sleeping on the floor, outside the mosquito net.
“Why are you sleeping outside the mosquito net?” asked Sham Lal.
“Those ******** mosquitos found a hole in my mosquito net. So I fooled them and slept outside instead, leaving all the mosquitoes inside!” replied Rham lal.
What is a Beach?
Sham Lal and Rham Lal were in conversation on the beach.
Sham Lal: Panditji, Isse ‘beach’ kyo kaheete hai ? What is this beach?
Rham Lal: Tumhe nahe pata? (You don’t know?)
Sham Lal: Nahe pata. (No)
Rham Lal: Woh to Aasmaan aur Zameen ke beech mein hai esliye eesai beach kahete hai. (It is between - beech - heaven and earth, that is why it is called beach)
Parents achievements
Sham Lal and Rham Lal were boasting of their parents achievements to each other.
Sham Lal: Have you ever heard of the Suez Canal?
Rham Lal: Yes, I have.
Sham Lal: Well, my father dug it.
Rham Lal: That’s nothing, have you ever heard of Dead Sea?
Sham Lal: Yes, I have.
Rham Lal: Well, my father killed it.
What should I name my Children ?
Rham Lal has twins and comes to Sham Lal.
Rham Lal : Panditji, mere dono bachon ke liye koi naam bataiye. Please tell some names for my two children?
Sham Lal : Ek ka naam rakho Peter. Name one as Peter.
Rham Lal : Aur doosre ka? What about the other?
Sham Lal : Call him Repeater
Microprocessor
Once Sham Lal and Rham Lal kidnap a rich man.
Sham Lal: What should we do with this man?"
Rham Lal: “Seele, put him into a microprocessor. He will die BIT by BIT!”
Every Third Child
Rham Lal has triplets and comes to his friend Sham Lal.
Sham Lal : Have you thought about the names of my three children? Mera teen bachche ka keya naam soche hein aap?
Rham Lal : Name them Peter, Repeater, and Fung Chung! Inka Naam rakkho, Peter, Repeater aur Fung Chung!
Sham Lal: Why should I call the third one “Fung Chung”, Panditji? Teesra ka naam “Fung Chung” kyon Panditji?
Rham Lal: Stupid bahman! Don’t you know? Every third child born is Chinese! Bekuf bahman! Tumhe malum nehi? Is prithwi me paida hone waalaa har teesra bachcha Chinese hota hai.
To the Toilet
Once Sham Lal and Rham Lal were riding their cows along a dusty road, travelling to a pilgrimage spot, Somnath in Gujarat.
“Can you wait for me?” asked Sham Lal near a makeshift toilet. “I have to relieve myself in that toilet.”
“I also have to do the same. Can you do it for me at the same time?” asked Rham Lal.
“Fine,” said Sham Lal as he went to the toilet while Rham Lal sat on his cow.
After a short while, Sham Lal returned.
“Did you do it for me too?” asked Rham Lal.
“O! I forgot. I will go back once again.” After a short while Sham Lal returned again.
“You stupid bahman!” shouted Sham Lal. “You did not have to do anything!”
Painted Hands
Sham Lala and Rham lal met hard times, and so became gangsters. Entering a house, they tied up the owner.
“Whaat should we do with him?” asked Rham lal.
“Paint his hands red!” said Sham Lala.
“Why ?”
“Stupid bahman! Don’t know that even? That way, when the Pulees will come, they will catch him ‘red-handed’!”
Bull Stool
Sham Lala and Rham lal are studying their cows and bulls.
Sham Lala: “Rham lal, test the stool of this bull.”
Rham lal: “Why ?”
Sham Lala: “So that we can find out what this `bull****’ thing is.”
The Rainbow
Sham Lal and Rham Lal see a rainbow. Sham Lal: “For things like this the Gormint has money. But to let our cows study Sanskrit, for that there are no funds!”
Super-Conductor
Sham Lal and Rham Lal catch one of their enemies. “Rham lal? What should we do with this guy?” "Put this saala with a super-conductor. He will get exhausted giving tickets-tickets all the time! Saala bus mein thicket dete-dete thank jayega!.