Past weekend I was at a wedding that was extra ordinary. Not for it’s extravagant decoration, or for it super star guest list or even for the different kind of food they served .. but for it’s sheer simplicity. While both families were considerably social, well educated and economically sound there were no more than 50 people there, kids of all ages included, mostly family & very close friends. The ceremony was short & sweet and the small group mingled well as everyone knew everyone else.
What surprised me the most was the amount of Haq Mehar. It was profoundly low .. which was perfect for a recent graduate who had very little saving. From the amount it was clear that Mehar would be given to the girl at nikkah [which was performed at the wedding] like it is supposed to be, rather than something just written down on nikkah form to show off. In all the weddings I have been to previously, the haq mehar announced is so high that I can’t believe anyone at the age of 30 or so can come up with.
Does anyone know when haq mehar became a symbol of richness of to be announced at the nikkah than a religiously obligated amount of money to be given to the bride?
I am not in the favor of very low mehar either. It should be appropriate and reasonable. So the guy is a pauper student, so is getting away with a low low amount. Quite unfair to the girl, as this is her wedding gift. But then again, all is well if she is happy.
By the way, I don't think there is a specific "religiously obligated" amount for mehar. It just has to be reasonable and keeping in line with the financial means of the groom.
It wasn't low as in student low but was probably 90% of his saving taking into account the fact that he has been working full time for only a couple of years.
Part of me says that Mehar has become a bragging right for girl or her family that they roped in a rich guy or they consider that if Mehar amount is high the guy or his family will think twice before considering divorce. But what kind of relationship can one foster, when the only reason he is hanging in is because he can't come up with so much money?
It's not so much about boasting as it is about security. Thats like putting the guy in an extremely tough situtaion if he thinks about getting out of the marraige...what would you part with more readily? Wife or $100,000 :D A high haq meher gives the girl security and confidence, and the guy reason to doubt where a low haq mehar gives the guy security and confidence but the girl reason to doubt! Crazy I tell ya!
The whole point of the maher is that its a gift which must be given. Its like a debt even.
Its not only payable in cases of divorce, it has to be paid anyway (unless the wife gives it up). The wife can even claim it if the husband dies, (seperate from her inheritence).
Usually when there is a such a high amount, its never really paid.
Anyway its all supply and demand, the guy will only agree to the girls price if he thinks shes worth it.
Part of me says such relationships have no love only stringed commitments & obligations, of money, families honor and 'doing the right thing'. Complexities of arranged marriage, I suppose.
the guy will only agree to the girls price if he thinks shes worth it.
^ yeah she has the right not to consumate marriage unless the mahr is paid.
It's doesnt necessarily have to be money, The Prophet saw said ' go and look, even if it is only an iron ring'.
The woman can demand her mahr, what she wants :p
I think Desis think it has to be a huge amount of money, which is wrong.
Like everything else Maher has taken great influence from culture too. I would feel disgraced I knew that paying a large mehar is the only thing thats keeping my husband from divorcing me! But thats just how some people prefer it. To keep an upper hand and have more power over the other person. In our 'culture' most women give up the haq mehar to please their husbands and in-laws and gain more respect and even if they don't give it up mehar is not given before the marraige is consumated in most cases anyway. That leaves the mehar to be paid later, much later, when absolutely necessary. One of these situations would be at the time of divorce. If a guy has to pay a mehar of some 50 laakh rupees, one would think that he will be more sensible than to cheat on his wife or remarry. It's a sort of shackle the girls side puts on the guy. For the guys side a high mehar implants doubts too. They think the girl might use it to get her way in everything, or just throw tanturms over every little cos she will have not much to fear, even in the worst case scenario she will end up with 50 lakh rupees!
Neither high nor low mehars equal marraige security, it's all in the minds.
I think Desis think it has to be a huge amount of money, which is wrong.
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Maybe they don't realize that it is preferable to be paid right at the time of marriage?? I've only heard of one person that I know of who gave his wife his maher at the time of marriage. The rest are written on paper. WHY OH WHY?? Sheer stupidity.
^ can be lack of islamic knowledge, or knowing one's duties & rights.
In Singapore, they have marriage courses, so before the couple get married, they have to do the course.
My friends from Singapore say that they teach you, your rights/duties according to Shariah. So in that way everyone knows what they are goin into.
Now if Pakistan had such programmes there wouldnt be so much problems there eh..
