Guppies, it’s me and another one of my requests for help sorry
I posted a few weeks ago how I was having the parents of a prospective spouse visit me and my family. Well, alhamdulillah, that day went really well. We laid on quite a feast for them and we got lots of good feedback for our hosting and how comfortable we made their family feel. Alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah, alhamdulillah, they’ve now invited us to visit their house and here’s where my confusion comes in.
The mum has made it very clear that their visit to ours and ours to theirs is an opportunity for both families to see how the other lives and for the couple to meet key family members. The world ‘rishta’ has not yet passed anyone’s lips. My family liked theirs when they came over but were annoyed that they did not bring up in conversation anything about marriage, even though I had told them that this was an introductory visit and they wouldn’t be mentioning anything serious. They did however, make lots of comments to me hinting that I’ll soon be a part of their family (inshallah). They also bought a box of inexpensive chocolates when they came to visit. My family is now struggling what to take them- do we take mitai and flowers or is that too much? Or, a cake/biscuit tin to be shared at dessert time and flowers? My family insists we should be as simple as them and play it cool but I’m not sure. I think we should make an effort when we go over to them to show how we deal with others and what my/our standards are. My family is annoyed at me because they think I’m creating a rod for my own back and unnecessarily upping their expectations of our family. I know I’m not- I just like doing things properly- but I need some advice from you people. What should we take them? How much is too much and how much is too less? What is appropriate? I’m worried in case their family lays on a simple meal for us- I have no problem with that but my family will really take offence
Also, when my Baji spoke to his mum over the phone (when she rang to invite us) and asked what we could expect on the day (so that we could be prepared in case it was a baat pakki and we needed to prepare some gifts for their family), his mum got annoyed and said, this is just an chance for you to visit us and see if you like what you see and that everything else could be sorted out over the telephone later- (they live 4 hours away). I personally thought that was rude. Was it? Am I looking too much into it? What usually happens when the girls family and girl visit the boys family? I found it hard to talk to his mum and granny last time. I don’t know what else I can ask them this time
This cultural rishta thing is driving me mad. I wish we had the option of eloping. That would be much easier :(((
Don’t get me wrong but at this point, your family seem more annoyed at things than their family. No it wasn’t rude of guy’s mom (choice of words might be wrong??). They do not want to have proper rishta discussion before you guys pay a visit to them which sounds right. Just go with open mind and feel the water. Checkout the compatibility b/w families just so you wont step intosomething like this without knowing it beforehand
A Godiva pack and little something (such as perfumed candles etc) would do. Something like this.
We didn't hear his mom's tone of voice on the phone, so we can't tell you if she was rude or not. There was nothing rude or condescending about the response she gave though. I feel that it was unnecessary for your baji to ask his mom what to expect...but you should not get mad at Baji because she had good intentions at heart.
Did the guy's family ask your parents "what should we expect?" when they visited you for the first time? No, right? Baat pakki or even engagement are a HUUGE DEAL and the guy's family would most likely prepare for such an event, they'd maybe arrange for mithaai or gifts. But I think the first step in such a preparation would be that they would let the girl's family know in very clear terms that they'd like to do a baat pakki. I don't think they would remain silent or ambiguous if they intended to do a baat pakki. Thus, if they haven't said anything, it's prolly a good bet that this 2nd meeting is just another opportunity for both families to get to know each other better. And there's nothing wrong with that. Before my sister got married, the guy's family met us...and then we met them. There were 2 meetings before the guy's family decided baat pakki and then an engagement date was set. The reason for the mom's annoyance could be that she may have felt "hurried" by your family when she and her family are not at that stage yet. And call me old-fashioned, but the girl's side should never be the one doing any "hurrying," nor should they be the ones to initiate asking the "status" of the rishta. If you guys are already getting "annoyed" then keep in mind that the guy's family can pick up on that vibe. Your annoyance may be read by his family as "over-eager" and "impatient" and that's not a flattering impression. So, chill, Op. Just relax. Do your part and leave the rest to Allah. This rishta will happen ONLY if Allah wills it. Better to ficus on istikhara than trying to decipher every move a d word of the guy and his family; the former will bring more peace of mind while the latter is a maddening activity. For gifts, just get them a dessert like cake or pastries or a decorative item like candles etc as Decent suggested earlier. If his family has kept the gift simple, then match them..keep it equivalent, don't go above n beyond. You want them to like you more for who you are than for material reasons.
Just go check them out. This is your opportunity to interview them and they're rhe ones being evaluated. It is not a baat pakki, avoid anxiety and getting your hopes up. Simple. Keep it simple and you're less likely to screw it up.
1) You and your family are making this way more complicated than it needs to be. Relax!
2) Gifts: Decent gave you good ideas. A box of chocolates or flowers or mithai....whatever. Just take something. Don't nit-pick this too much.
3) When the guy's side is ready to move forward....they will let you know. If the families had met several times and nothing was brought up, then it would be time for you guys to ask more directly. But this was waaaaaay too early to bring up the talk of engagement. I don't blame his mom for being annoyed b/c your family looks desperate.
Fyi if the other family didn't say the word marriage or rishta that's not a big deal. It's obvious that if they r talking about u and asking questions about u and giving information about their son then ofcourse they're visiting for rishta. Otherwise why woul random ppl come to ur house and do that. Sometimes ppl find it awkward to state all this explicitly that's why they just go for casual conversation instead of interviews. Sometimes they already have all the information they need from the rishta aunty or middle person and all they r trying to see is if u r nice normal ppl and if the families click. So don't fret too much and just go meet them.
So we all went yesterday. We ended up taking along with us a box of cupcakes and a big bouquet of flowers. It was quite awkward to begin with as no one knew what to say to each other but eventually the conversation picked up and it was pleasant. We got treated to a nicely cooked meal and lots of general chit chat. I ended up meeting the guys puppo, chacha and sister, along with his dadi, dad and mum who'd come over to ours previously. The seem like a normal Desi family, alhamdulillah.
I found his mum to be a bit reserved last night- not sure why that may have been but I'm assuming it was because she felt nervous. The dad hardly spoke to me but did crack the occasional joke, directing the punch line at me! Thank god the sister was there- she was so confident and normal and made the conversation flow.
On my way out, the sister asked for me to come over to their house again soon. I asked her to come over and see me instead as I've just recently moved to the area and for her to show me around. She seemed taken aback by that! But, there is NO WAY I'm going to be turning up to their house on my own until we're nikkahfied (inshallah). I guess it's now just a case of waiting to hear back from the guys side and for them to recommend next steps... sigh
As for the comments relating to us coming across as desperate: I've explained in a previous thread how we don't have elders to guide us and this is the first time a rishta like this has come to our house so we're all in the dark about what the appropriate Pakistani thing to do is. Me and the guy are desperate but my family (and his) isn't. My family want to make their own enquiries and take their time considering this rishta and not rush into it.
I would say just give it time and relax. I'm sure things will work out. Since both sides have come over and you've met most of this family, I wouldn't really worry about it. Maybe it's also new for his side as well and when it comes to arranged marriages - there's so many people to please and everyone wants to know who she/he is, who the family is, where they are from, etc. You know how desis are with their million questions. I would just let them have the time they need and just be thankful that things went over smoothly. I'm sure they will contact your side with details of the engagement and nikah in due time.
