Pakistani families are by far less of a nuclear family and more of a fission process. Meaning you have relatives who count as family and take the priority of family in some cases at the same priority as the immediate family (Father, Mother, Brother and Sister). How far do you think your personal responsibility goes towards your extended family?
Some issues are seen as “normal” per se. In case of a wedding you are pretty much roped into helping with stuff from driving everybody around to arranging everything. That is genuinely accepted. Or say during a funeral you are to help with all the arrangements because of the calamity that has befallen the family.
However on other issues its less cut and dry. Financial responsibility to the extended family is a bone of contention as well as supporting less fortunate members of the extended family? Additionally in say issues of emotional support or doing things for the great good of the extended family that may prove negative towards you, say moving to help a cousin or taking responsibility for someone who moved to your city by supporting, housing them etc.
So how far do you think your personal responsibility goes towards your extended family?
I've always held the belief that a woman's husband was a son and brother first and just because he's married, his responisibilities towards his family do not end.
But on the same hand, the parents and siblings need to respect that there is a new relationship that has equal and at times greater importance to their son. Therefore, so long as parents and siblings are considerate, do not seek to control their son, nor are they unreasonably demanding of their son, the wife should encourage her husband, and she too should emotionally, physically, and financially be supportive of his family.
The only caveat is - and I've seen this with a few friends - when the in-laws have different rules for their sons and daughters. They expect their son to be there for them (as is right) but resent when their daughter is exepected to honor the same responsibilities in her susaraal. The parents need to lead by example.
As far as extended family goes, you have to draw a line somewhere and ensure that while honoring the close familial relationships - it's not done at the detriment of the the core family. Helping out at physically and financially is fine - but it's a two-way street and only so long as you know that the other person will be there for you as well if you need them.
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So how far do you think your personal responsibility goes towards your extended family?
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when it comes to financial obligation, very much depends on the kind of relationship i have had with them over the yrs, how close or distant the bond has been. if i can afford to, its better to help people i know personally, who are genuinely in need of a helping hand.
in case of a wedding or a death, yes generally everyone chips in to share the burden for the sake of kinship and support, no harm in that. i think we desis pride ourselves in maintaining strong family ties not just as an obligation but because we are communal at heart.
well i think financially if u see an aunty or uncle who is in a difficult position then y not help them if u have the funds? i mean i dont understand.? ther ur parents siblings..hmm so y not help them? my father helps his own family and siblings including his mamu...and also on my mothers side my khala is having a difficult time and hes helping her...y shouldnt he? its paining my mum to see her own sister like this so y not..
also i believe if u help others in times of need that person will rememeber u and u will have ther duas and duas are the real wealth in life..
Interesting question and honestly its not black-and-white, depends on the situation. Also its different for men and women.
I, personally have helped out only twice when my extended family needed help.... and I did it only with cousins I liked and when I knew that they didn't have anyone else to turn to and really needed that money badly. But personally I don't think I have a responsibility towards them, I just helped out since I wanted to and could afford it.
My husband, on the other hand, is expected to help out his extended family on the mother's side (since he earns more than others). I don't think he considers it his responsibility (actually I'm pretty sure he doesn't) but his mom does. My husband is asked to step in A LOT and help out financially in marriages & funerals while my FIL outrightly refuses, so my MIL doesn't ask him anymore. My husband can never say no to his mom so he helps out even when he doesn't want to and keeps grumbling about it to me. I don't interfere..... its between him and his mom, none of my business.
But never will they take the same priority as the immediate family ..... NOPE. Extended family is exactly that...... 'extended' family.
However on other issues its less cut and dry. Financial responsibility to the extended family is a bone of contention as well as supporting less fortunate members of the extended family? Additionally in say issues of emotional support or doing things for the great good of the extended family that may prove negative towards you, say moving to help a cousin or taking responsibility for someone who moved to your city by supporting, housing them etc.
So how far do you think your personal responsibility goes towards your extended family?
Yes i would feel responsible if a cousin wanted help, or housing a relative. I would go out of my way to help and accomodate my cousin/relative, as i do see it as my responsibility. But unfortunately when we help others we want their praise and do it as a favour, instead it should be done as a good deed, not expecting anything in return.
As far as financial help goes, then it depends on how needy they are and the circumstance. Example: If they cant afford clothes, food or medical bills then yes its a responsibility to give. If its for luxuries then i would rather help someone else. When your paying Zakat, its recommended to help relatives first.
CM, when you say 'prove negative towards you', do you mean bearing some 'takleef' when helping? If yes, then thats why its called family, apni family/relatives hee tho hain jo ithna kuch kartey hain.
I'd help moneywise but only for stuff like education or essentials and it wouldn't be a bottomless pit. I'm all for helping constructively, if I had poor relatives 'back home' I wouldn't just keep sending money bk every month for them to just spend and wait for the next installment, would rather give a lump sum for college/uni or to start a business or something then they have to make the most of it. I don't think it's healthy to be continuously supporting relatives for years on end so they're living off other ppl's money and not learning to be self-sufficient..