When a girl gets married/engaged usually the khala/mami/chachi of the family give her advice on how to keep the husband and in laws happy how to compromise, respect etc. but I guess values have changed now. I recently had my nikkah and the first thing I got from my family was why were you talking to your inlaws so much on the nikkah day? Why did you wear the shade of lipstick they got, you should not listen to them so much abhi say. You will spoil them, blah blah blah.
My in-laws are really nice people they respect me a lot and always treat me like family even when I am not even living with them.
Now what’s wrong with returning the same respect they have always given me. Do I really need to put my foot down and show them who is the boss when there is no need?
I feel like all the advices I get from my extended family are pointless but at times I do wonder if they are right what if I am am showing my self as a weaker person and they will get in to a habit of it later when I will be living with them.
How do you exactly know when you are doing too much to please someone or just enough?
Re: respecting in laws
It seems that the advice you have been given should have been kept to themselves… doesn’t seem really useful. If your in-laws are treating you with respect, respect them back the same. There is no weakness in respect, if they are or will be horrid to you in the future let that time be the one you show your not so nice side. Trust me there is no need to cause riff raff when there is no situation that is bad.
Re: respecting in laws
My in-laws are really nice people they respect me a lot and always treat me like family even when I am not even living with them. Now what's wrong with returning the same respect they have always given me. Do I really need to put my foot down and show them who is the boss when there is no need? I feel like all the advices I get from my extended family are pointless but at times I do wonder if they are right what if I am am showing my self as a weaker person and they will get in to a habit of it later when I will be living with them. How do you exactly know when you are doing too much to please someone or just enough?
I honestly DO NOT understand why people give their daughters such advice? First of all no khala/mami/chachi has any business in your married life or how you deal with you inlaws secondly if they are giving you advice why not positive advice. Please don't listen to any of that. Respect your in-laws even if they don't and in your case they do.
Re: respecting in laws
I think its very normal what you're experiencing in our culture nowadays.
The value of relationships is not the same, lets not even talk about a relationship with the inlaws.
You're the one who are going to decide what kind of relationship you want to have. Your inlaws are your husbands immediate family, how would you feel if your husband started to show "who is the boss here" attitude?
Personally, I will never understand this "who is the boss"-syndrom. Why dont DILs and their family just get it straight, your daughter is not going to conquer the next family by any means?! Being boss to door ki baat hai.
Re: respecting in laws
OP: this is exactly what guys go throughh with females in his family telling him... Abhi se izzat kerwana...ziada dheel math dena... Kaboo mein rakhna...ziada shopping nahi kerwana
Jeez...let the couple and ppl involved handle it all...the outsiders mess it for everyone
And kudos to you for having ure head screwed on right and acknowledging that what you were being told was just not right!
I could easily see a naiive girl falling for is...just cuz it was coming from her side of the family.
Re: respecting in laws
Oh and congrats on the nikkah!!!!
Always be respectful of your inlaws....give respect and inshallah that will be returned. Always be cordial and polite. However I would strongly suggest to get to know the family before you get very free with them. Very hard to judge people I initially. As far as the shade o lipstick or clothes that's stupidity......keep someones heart and happily wear the clothes or makeup they get you. It speaks volume.........
Oh and congrats on the nikkah!!!!
Thanks :)
I would strongly suggest to get to know the family before you get very free with them. Very hard to judge people I initially. As far as the shade o lipstick or clothes that's stupidity......keep someones heart and happily wear the clothes or makeup they get you. It speaks volume.........
You are so right about getting to know them before being really frank with them. I wish someone had told me this before. Not that I have a really bad experience but still I have said a lot of things which could have back fired on me but Alhamdulilah for such understanding people who didn't make a big deal. But with times I have been a lot more careful.
Re: respecting in laws
If it feels like wrong, its wrong.
Listen to what they say but do what your heart tells you. At the end of the day, all these relatives will go home to their own separate lives. If you listen to them and things go sour between you and inlaws...who will fix them? These rishtedaar? No. They won't do anything...they will simply gossip about "omg tumne suna kya huwa?". You will be another headline, nothing more.
Suno lekin karo vohi jo tumko sahi lagay. And I can tell you know what's right and wrong.
Re: respecting in laws
Yanzala, times certainly have changed. Many parents and extended family members now teach their daughters how to be independent, not to listen to their in-laws, not to lose their freedom, not to compromise on anything etc. You are mature enough to identify right from wrong and do what you feel is right for you.
Re: respecting in laws
When a girl gets married/engaged usually the khala/mami/chachi of the family give her advice on how to keep the husband and in laws happy how to compromise, respect etc. but I guess values have changed now. I recently had my nikkah and the first thing I got from my family was why were you talking to your inlaws so much on the nikkah day? Why did you wear the shade of lipstick they got, you should not listen to them so much abhi say. You will spoil them, blah blah blah. My in-laws are really nice people they respect me a lot and always treat me like family even when I am not even living with them. Now what's wrong with returning the same respect they have always given me. Do I really need to put my foot down and show them who is the boss when there is no need? I feel like all the advices I get from my extended family are pointless but at times I do wonder if they are right what if I am am showing my self as a weaker person and they will get in to a habit of it later when I will be living with them. How do you exactly know when you are doing too much to please someone or just enough?
Yanzala
I have been looking around on this forum for a while but never thought to register on here. But when I saw your post I decided that I won’t pass by without answering this one so quickly registered myself.
I am the eldest son of my parents and they got me married (arranged) last year with so much love. I was engaged for 10 months prior to that during which time my parents treated my fiancée with utmost love and developed really good relationship with my in-laws. On the face my in-laws seemed really nice and returned the same respect, ...............................until the day I married their daughter which is when everything changed. My wife took a very unpleasant start with my parents right from day one expecting that I will fall in her lap straight away and just forget about my parents who brought me up with all the hardships in the world. It became quite obvious from her attitude exactly the kind of lessons she has had from her family as you. I just cant leave my parents for her and expect her to respect them and be nice to them as minimum. For the past year or so, I have tried everything to change her but I am slowly giving up leaving her to dig her own hole to fall in. I am not going to go into too much detail here but her wrongdoings are piling up with every day passing (all supported by her family’s wrong encouragement). I don’t know what course the events are going to take but if I am honest with you, I will be surprised if we are still married this time next year.
End of they day I know I never expected her to do something for me or my family that was unjust.
My advice to you; don’t listen to people if you want to build up your new life, especially when you think there is nothing wrong with your in-laws. I hope you have a fantastic life after marriage but even if you do come across problems, try and resolve them with your own wisdom. A marriage is just what the woman makes of it.
Regards
Re: respecting in laws
No one has a say in any relationship you build with anyone. Your mother can offer advice cos she's gonna want the best for you, but other than that everyone else has their own agenda and it's kind of dumb to even consider their advice. In one ear and out the other. How your relationship with your in-laws will be depends solely upon you. You have to give respect in order to receive it.
Re: respecting in laws
agreed. listen to the advice, but follow at your own discretion.
your life and relationships are what you make of them.
respecting in laws
Another thing I forgot to add annoys the heck out of me and that is when people ask me how my in-laws are and I always say good things about them and their reply is always "shoro shoro main tu sab tareefain hi kartay hain, yeh tu baad main pata chalta hai kon kesa hai" I hate these kind of phrase. Why start a relationship with doubts in mind?
Re: respecting in laws
^^ Ignore 'em. Some people will say that out of jealousy because they don't have a good relationship with their own in-laws/families.
Re: respecting in laws
whattt, where am i....
my mother always BLAMES ME for any kinda disagreements me n hubbs may have, BEFORE shes even heard me out she says OKKK NADS DAFA HO JAO, BAKWAAAS BAND KARO, ITS PROBLY UR FAULT HE TRIED TO SHOOT U BECAUSE U DIDNT COOK HIS EGGS PROPERLY...NOW GET LOST.
turns to damaad and kisses his forehead, bichara, ao mein tumhe fry waley andey bana key deti houn beta, pir dono mil kar issein ghar say nikaleingey..
DISCLAIMER-ABOVE is a JOKE.
Re: respecting in laws
i likey phunny Nadz 
Re: respecting in laws
To earn respect, you give respect.
Giving tips & teaching wrong is no good for any one... specially, to the extent of wearing a lipstick the shade in-laws like. I leave everything to my in-laws choice, from Valima dress to colour of the dress to jewelery to other clothes to where they want to get a treat to what time suits them anything. It just makes them happy & feel part of it. These are extremely minute-natured things & I know I get a lot of respect for not being a person full of tantrums. Be accommodating & caring to them & they will reciprocate.
If your intentions will be evil, you might end up in an uncalled mess.