Resentment

Lifestyle Relationships
1

it’s building inside me and it’s against my parents.

They have picked a budding bride for my brother and planned a joint wedding this coming July. She’s a pretty lil girl but someone who just totally contrasts with my bro. He’s not happy and has told my parents it’s a no. However, they’ve been doing emotional scenes and plan to go ahead with it anyway.

I’m basically being torn. On one hand i don’t want to hurt them and on the other hand i can’t rest in peace knowing their plans. I am hating them soooo much for doing this and i feel helpless to stop them.

I am slowly feeling the love for them ebb away. I know it’s a silly comment to make and deep down like anyone i love and respect my parents. But recent events are making it ever the harder to do so. Although it’s good 8/9 months to go the pressure is on the increase and like an ostrich i’m burying my head in the sand.

My bro, although is in his heart of hearts, would rather jump a cliff than marry her willingly is going along because he is keeping them happy. I on the other hand can not see myself happy knowing what they are doing. I’m slowly being badly hurt by my parents and they’re totally oblvious to it.

I’ve voiced my concerns and objections to the rishta but it’s falling on deaf ears. All i can see myself doing now is never talking to my parents ( unrealistic as it may sound ). I could never forgive them for doing something so selfish. I’ll be moving to Copenhagen and when it come to crunch time i’m telling them not to bother to call me.

Can you see the dilemma? I’m being very honest and genuine about my feelings here. This is not one of my usually boohoo wali threads. I’m sharing this because you’re such a sweet group of people who can give me impartial and decent advice. I really don’t know what to do. I am one of those people regardless of how good my life is, i can not be happy if i know one of my siblings is having a rough time, i just can not do it.

Anyways, go on…what do you think i’m looking at to do? How insane are my ideas? And what would you do CONSIDERING you had sweet se parents but ziddi like no ones business and who will not budge come what may.

2

Ofcourse I'm not you and would never totally understand your situation. But what I would do is talk to the brother and tell him to get a backbone. Those emotional blackmails are the parents tool, disregarding them at times when you are totally not in agreement with them is your defence. If the brother is not brave enough to defend his position then I don't think U should get ur panties in a bunch. Maybe your brother is putting up a helf hearted fight just to make a point and deep down inside he DOES agree with them. Ever thought of that?
I'm not trying to downplay your position but cutting off parents for someone else, even if its your brother, would not be a wise decision.

My 2 cents worth...

3

“Marriages are settled in heaven and celebrated on earth.” If this rishta is meant to happen it will follow through. :flower1:

4

Shakila-- lol should I even bother saying it??

TofiBaba 's right.. tell the boy to start being a man and take resposibility for his own life!

If he can't do that ? Well tough luck you get what you deserve then!

As far as your feeling towards your parents in regards to this situation? Totally justifiable and nothing to feel guilty over.

Your parents are not God so yeah you can disobey them if they tell you to do something that is not what you agree with.

There's a difference between respecting them and blindly obeying them regardless of how irrational they might be at times.

5

Ahem please do state your opinion. :rolleyes:

6

Shakila life isn’t all that hunky dory. Sometimes the rishta goes through even though it shouldn’t ever have happenend and ends up in a divorce. Two of my cousins were almost forced to marry two of our other cousins back in Pakistan. Both being very young gave in to their parent’s pressure, both weddings ended up in a divorce. I have some friends here in the US. Firstly the parents forced their daughter to marry a relative from Pakistan. They started pressurising her once she told them that she was interested in one of her university friends here. Since they would not give in she let them have their way. She didn’t get along with that Paki guy one bit. He was even abusive. As if that was not a lesson enough they had their son, who was barely over his teen years marry this guy’s sister who he couldn’t stand! He resisted till the last moment yet they went through with it hoping it would ease their daughters marital life. Now both the newly weds did not get along. They both disliked eachother. They had seperate rooms and hardly ever spoke. This added fuel to his sisters already screwed up marital life. What happened in the end??? Both couples got divorced.
In matters as serious as marraige you have to think it over and be sure before you make a decision or force your decision upon someone else. If even one of the involved persons are stepping into a relation half-heartedly or without any interest chances are it won’t float. In face of difficulties or compromise he/she will make no effort to do so due to lack of interest. Adds imbalance to the relation and isn’t fair to either party.
DD your brother should put his foot down. And you stick up for him. Just tell your parents to save themselves the embarrasment or he will run away before marrying someone he knows he won’t get along with. Of you lot know this girl well enough and are very sure that they will not get along don’t get into it.

7

The most injired party in thsi episode is teh girl ur bro is going to marry.. ur brother at least have some raeson as satisfying his parents but what aout the innocent girl who unknowingly gonna marry an unwilling husband..

8

has he tried istikhara? that may help him... and yeah i think he needs to grow a spine... dont blame ur parents for everything.. sometimes its hard to see that they might be right.. and he may end up really liking the girl..

9

the only person i can point my finger at is your brother. you being the daughter and girl sure can't say or do much to make them change their decision but how come your brother is listening to them. yes emotional blackmailing does take its toll but he is the one who will have to face them and tell them not to be hasty. as long as he is not making enough noise, i don't see your parents backing off from this issue and you too should try to say more than you have said so far. make your opinion heard.

10

Ok I can see how a desi girl can get forced to marry someone considering they're rarely if ever able to support themselves anyways..

But last time I checked most guys are earning their living and hence financially independent.

Now given this what kind of a wuss do you gotta be to still have your parents in total control of your life?

11

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by waqas72: *
Now given this what kind of a wuss do you gotta be to still have your parents in total control of your life?
[/QUOTE]

An obedient one...thing is we got it drilled in our heads that our folks are always right..and mayeb if we disobey them we'll live to regret it...

12

hmmm…

DD your parents are not the only ones…

more than 95% of parents are like that because in their hearts they believe that what they are doing IS the best for their child and nothing will convince them to budge from doing what they think is the best for their children…

i think you’re being too emotional and impulsive yaar…i would have probably been like that too…lekin firstly cool down a bit and think rationally…

drawing swords against your parents and not speaking to them is not right, is not going to help the situation and is not going to lead towards any kind of solution…

i think first you need to talk to your brother and both of you need to decide on what exactly he wants…does he REALLY not want to marry this girl?

if so, then both of you need to talk to your parents, very nicely, and very honestly and sincerely, and explain to them honestly about your thoughts and why your brother does not want to marry her…

and if they dont listen, dont be disappointed or change your attitude…continue to be nice…continue to be persistent…if they get angry, then listen to what they have to say, dont say anything…and bring up the topic the next day again, talk to them again, calmly…bohot pyaar se…and explain your feelings…

you and your brother are both grown up mature adults now…talk to your parents like mature adults and explain your point of view maturely and responsibly and honestly…but very respectfully…

i have seen that this approach really works…

they are your parents and do want the best for you always…

yaar trust me, when parents see that their kids are just not listening to them they can become defensive and authoritative, but when parents see that they are being taken into cofidence and their advice is being sincerely sought, they try to help coz they do want to see their kids happy…

so i think a change of approach is needed from you and your brother…

good luck :flower1:

p.s. you can choose not to answer but just curious…why is your brother so decided that he does not want to marry the girl they are recommending?

13

I was thinking of suggesting istikhara also, try that! :flower1:

14

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by waqas72: *
Ok I can see how a desi girl can get forced to marry someone considering they're rarely if ever able to support themselves anyways..

[/QUOTE]

Do clarify.

15

Sobz I'm glad you brought it up..I noticed that comment...and you knwo that "dependecy" idea is what give then bast**ds the liberty to fool around and slap the wife around too.

You men mistake love and dedication towards the family with an inability to support ourselves. I've seen uneducated women thrown out of their house by their darling husband and have yet supported themselves and their children...a woman has a hell lot more courage than you think...it's the "role" that society has given us that make us look "dependent".

In my opinon...if wives were allowed to work...they'd probabaly end up making more money than their husbands...and we all know what an ego issue that is for men.

Sorry to go off track DD..:D

16

DD,

Parents are humans and they make mistakes, lots of them. Since a (bad) marriage could have a lasting effect on a person's life, you are well within your rights to stand up to your parents. As the saying goes, be polite but firm and DON'T BACK DOWN!

17

DD,my prayers n best wishes with you:flower1: i cant really give u advice or anything as its not my place to do so.
but,i woul like to know…out of curosity…n u dont have to answer & please my questions have nothing to do with whether its a good rishta or not or blAh blah.

  1. is the guy u r going to be married to well educated? i mean does he meet your standards? do u think u have the same mental level…erm,get wht i mean?
  2. is the guy independant or would you have to support him?i-e bring him over etc?
18

Sadi - you asked me to clarify this

Ok I can see how a desi girl can get forced to marry someone considering they're rarely if ever able to support themselves anyways..

If you have a young girl around the typical expected desi marrying age and she's still studying or living at home. Well then she does not have much control of her life.

Where as if she is earning her own living ..it really doesn't matter what her family tries to make her do.. if she doesn't like it she can just leave and live on her own.. who's gonna be able to force her then?

that's what I meant.. I wasn't saying a woman is not capable of taking care of her self ..which is what I think you thought I was saying.

Freedom comes from independence.. financially and I guess socially too.