My friend got married 5 years ago…after 2 years they separated…they have now been separated for 3 years over petty little issues…its a very weird situation…stupid families and stupid rules that the girls not gonna go back till he comes to get her and the guy’s not gonna go to get her.
anyways in these 3 years my friend has tried to talk to her hubby(on the phone) on numerous occasions…he usually swears at her or tells her that he’s confused and doesn’t know what he wants…her father and uncle have since passed away so she has no elder that can sort things out…his father tells any go-betweens that they should speak to the son, when the son is asked he says speak to my father…i can;t see this problem being resolved.
anyways a few weeks ago she rang him and he was actually willing to talk and told her he would like to meet up…he didn’t want to be seen in a public place so he would give her a venue…the venue surprise surprise was a hotel room…she was strictly ordered not to tell anyone of this secret rendezvous…as they were going to ‘talk’ and sort things out…but no talking was done in the hotel room
they met like this a few times…each time my friend footing the bill…as apparently he can’t afford it…
a few days ago he has blown cold again and tells her that he is confused and doesn’t want anything to do with her…he told her that he has slept with another woman and wanted to know ‘what her state of mind is now that she knows’…and that he hates her and that his family would never accept her back and that they will make her suffer by not offering her a divorce and not taking her back.
before this whole hotel rendezvous i had arranged for her to go to th Sharia court to discuss Khula…i dont know what she can do now
i am not sure what her hubby wants…he was after one ‘thing’ which he got but now he’s messed her about again…what do you guys think…my friend doesn’t know where she stands with him and i feel she has ruined everything by agreeing to meet with him
i don’t know what advice to give her…any suggestions and what do you think of her hubby..has he just used her? or does he actually wanna get back with her?..or does he just wanna get his thrills out of these rendezvous?
Honestly I would tell your friend to run as fast as she could from this mess. Leave the idiot on his own, what else is left if he even slept with another woman. I think its a clear answer that he doesn't want her anymore. She should just forget about him and take the divorce and move on with life.
no kids...but i dont understand why he met up with her...maybe he does have feelings for her...or was he so desperate that he remembered that he had a wife.
i totally screamed at her though, she should have never given him what he wanted and actually got some sense out of him
he is now not taking any of her calls...i have told her to leave a voicemail and give him an ultimatum either take her back or divorce her, or tell him that she will apply for Khula.....but i don't know if she can be granted Khula now bcos they have actually been together recently.....
That's a messy situation. The girl should THANK the guy for telling her "he does not want to do anything with her" - and walk away. The guy is not worth her time. She should just take a deep breath, take it all in and MOVE on in life.
I don't see what else she wants from him?
Even if they were married - WHO cares? What matters is the present... and in present the guy has brushed himself out of this relationship.
The guy - may or may not - have slept with another woman... but he sure knows that will make her mad and leave him alone - which he is looking for.
So tell your friend to move out and apply on secondshaadi.com. I am sure there are serious guys out there looking for a second chance in marriage...
Your friend needs some brutal honesty here. It’s called tough love. Have you heard of the book/movie called, “He’s Just Not That Into You?”
Well, the author of this book is a guy…and according to him…“If a guy is acting like he doesn’t know what he wants…then he’s just not that into you.” If he doesn’t ask you out, if he doesn’t put the ring on your finger, if he doesn’t marry you, if he doesn’t want to make things work, if he doesn’t come after you…HE AIN’T INTO YOU!"
And that is what you need to tell your friend. Just tell her straight up. And the blunt honesty is going to hurt her. And the reason it will hurt her is because she would like to believe that he loves her and did not just use her for a good screw. But this type of thinking will not get her anywhere. She needs to look at the facts in this relationship and here they are:
1) Although this guy is an adult…he is incapable of acting like an adult and making adult-decisions. When a mediator tries to speak to him…he tells the mediator to “talk to my dad”. How **PATHETIC **is that? He can’t even resolve issues without handing them over to “Daddy”. He’s still Daddy’s little boy and he hasn’t grown up.
**2) **Dealing with conflicts is a part of marriage. You can’t run to mommy and daddy to make decisions for you every time a problem arises. This guy seems to lack independent thinking, confidence, and leadership skills. It’s best to ditch his ass.
**3) **He does not respect women. It’s bad enough that he’s sleeping with other women outside of marriage…BUT it’s even worse that he treats his OWN WIFE just like he treats the other women…as nothing more than a good SCREW!
His** “mixed signals”** are his way of saying “I’m not interested in a relationship”. If this guy truly loved his wife…he would run back to her and try everything to make the marriage work. He wouldn’t let his EGO get in the way of seeing her and he wouldn’t treat her in a wishy-washy way. Think about it…when you KNOW you love someone…you do your best to save the relationship. He’s not doing that. So, he’s not interested.
Is the guy a Muslim? Your friend can consider getting an Imam to talk to him. Or ask him to consider marriage counseling. And if he is not open to either idea…then it’s…Time for a DIVORCE. She doesn’t have to wait for him to initiate the divorce. She can simply get a** KHULA and liberate herself**.
Pyaare.…you asked if he wants to be with her or if it’s a rendezvous. Believe me, if he wanted to be with her…he would have done it a long time ago. It’s just a rendezvous. Plain and simple. It’s not what your friend wants to hear or even accept. But the facts are staring her right in the face! The “love”-making session in the hotel did not prompt him to return to her make the marriage work. And that is evidence enough…that is was only a rendezvous.
^ im wondering, how happy will she be even if he took her back?
like, why dont women grow a spine and just move on? He is using her because she is letting him use her... she should have put her foot down when he asked her to come to the hotel room... why did she allow that to happen? it happened once.. fine, a mistake... why let it go on if he's not "giving" anything in return
the guy is a pathetic example of a husband. Should never have married in the first place.. there is no love there, there are no emotions (from his side)... could she really be happy with him even if he did take her back?
The woman is an idiot for wasting three years being separated from a man like this. Do people really need three years of cold shoulders, use-and-abuse to get the point that the jerk of a man wants nothing to do with her?
OH MY GOD!!! What is your friend doing??? She already wasted three precious years of her life waiting for this good for nothing waste of space. I am sorry I refuse to acknowledge such species as MEN!
Tell her to get a divorce and start her life!!! She should get a khula if he refuses to divorce her but unfortunately, she needs consent for a Khula too (I don't understand my religion sometimes!). However, if he refuses to consent to a Khula, she can persuade him to enter into an agreement of Khul’ (a release for payment from the wife). So she can pay him some amount and get his consent to agree to the Khula.
She really needs to get out of this marriage and start living! Seriously, the best thing you can do for her right now is support her so she can become strong and then encourage her to initate the Khula proceedings.
I so agree with all of u, for the past 3 years i've been telling her the same thing...she is still so madly in love with him....i just can't get through to her...i had arranged for her to talk to the Sharia council but she says she can't put her mum through the pain and bezati...i think her mum is in more pain seeing her sat at home not sure what ther future holds for her..her mum thinks she shoudl be patient...i disagree, i think waiting 3 years is punishment not patience.
she did speak to an imam, who tried to sort things out, but her hubby who has no balls whatsoever told the Imam that his dad would sort things out....
RV i have been honest with her and told her to sod him...but she keeps thinking things will be hunky dory again...i feel so sorry for her i wish she could be strong and throw everything in the jerks face
She should get a khula if he refuses to divorce her but unfortunately, she needs consent for a Khula too (I don't understand my religion sometimes!). However, if he refuses to consent to a Khula, she can persuade him to enter into an agreement of Khul’ (a release for payment from the wife). So she can pay him some amount and get his consent to agree to the Khula.
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I am really confused about the whole Khula thing, i have read in several places that a woman needs her husbands consent for Khula...but there was a programme on Tv a while back about Khula..where a woman had asked for khula through the Shariah court, her husband did not respond, 3 notices were sent by the council, he replied to neither and then the court signed a form and gave her a letter stating that she was now divorced...
i think this is the only way for her, but i've been convincing her for the past year...this hotel redezvous has just thrown her back to square 1, i dont know whether to laugh or cry at her bewakoofi.
I will convince her to contact the Shariah council, and that there is no bezati in applying for Khula, his family is tapped, his uncle seperated from his wife for 15 years and then divorced her...they love to ruin a girls life.
I will convince her but cannot physically take her to teh Shariah Council as my family is telling me to keep away as her in-laws are psychos...the only thing I can do is guide her....
It was nothing more then a ruse to get what he wanted and now that he is done...he has the luxury of hiding behind "confusion" again. He is not confused...3 years of separation is not confusion...its a decision...he wants a divorce but doesnt know how to do it. Meaning, he is hoping she will end the relationship so he doesnt have to.
When you speak to his father, he tells you to talk to his son. This leads me to believe they have left the decision to him and want him to work things out BECAUSE its HIM who has to work it out...not THEM. So, the guy has probably been told to work on the relationship and NOT get a divorce. If he divorces, he will disgrace the family, parents will be upset, etc. He is hoping she will get tired of waiting and leave him.
The thing is Khula by strict religious standards can only be given by the consent of the husband. But Pakistan and other muslim countries have passed laws that qualifies certain criteria on the basis where Khula can be given without the husband’s consent such as failure to maintain the wife for 2 years etc. Different countries have passed different laws to get around this stringent requirment. Women also have an option to be be able to get a a divorce without the husband’s consent but only if they have specified that requirment in the Nikah. I think the whole requirement of needing the husband’s consent is rather ridiculous and should be changed with the times.
I have pasted the important information below. Sorry I am a law student and work for women’s rights so that’s why I am giving you this info.
6.2 - Khula
*Khula*, or *mubaraat*, is a mutual divorce effected through the common consent of the wife and husband.[73]](http://www.expertlaw.com/library/family_law/islamic_custody-4.html#_ftn73) This form of divorce requires that the wife give the husband some form of compensation.[74]](http://www.expertlaw.com/library/family_law/islamic_custody-4.html#_ftn74) The compensation may be pecuniary or consist of the wife agreeing to care for the couple's child.[75]](http://www.expertlaw.com/library/family_law/islamic_custody-4.html#_ftn75) Only the Shafii school requires that the compensation be monetary.[76]](http://www.expertlaw.com/library/family_law/islamic_custody-4.html#_ftn76) Under the Shia schools, *khula* must be witnessed by two Muslim males of accepted probity.[77]](http://www.expertlaw.com/library/family_law/islamic_custody-4.html#_ftn77) As in *talaq* divorces, a wife who divorces by *khula* must observe *iddat*.
****6.3 - *Tafriq*****
*Tafriq* is a divorce obtained through a judicial ruling issued pursuant to a petition by a wife or husband. While most of the juristic schools today allow *tafriq*, they differ regarding the circumstances in which this type of divorce may be obtained. The Shia Ithna-Asharis allow *tafriq* only in certain cases where the husband is impotent.[78]](http://www.expertlaw.com/library/family_law/islamic_custody-4.html#_ftn78) Likewise, most Hanifi jurists accept *tafriq* only if the husband has a serious genital defect such as impotency or castration.[79]](http://www.expertlaw.com/library/family_law/islamic_custody-4.html#_ftn79) However, the Maliki, Hanbali, and Shafii schools allow a wife to apply to a court for divorce on other specific grounds. Modern laws based on one of these three schools generally allow a spouse to apply for divorce on the following grounds:
thanx 4 that Augustsunshine.
and i totally agree with you PS buti think he’s not divorcing her because he wants to save his Izzat, but what Izzat? is not bezati enough that shes been sat at her mums house for 3 years…he wants to be in a position to say that she asked for the divorce which is why i divorced her, he really wants her to push for it.
wow... husband is a complete jerk, BUT your friend is not acting very wise either... its time for her to take some action... I hope God gives her strength, Amen!
But seriously, 3 YEARS and she still visited + kept on visiting him in the hotel, sheesh!
