Remarriage in middle age

Lifestyle Relationships
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What’s your opinion on this folks? Is it wise to turn down a good rishta if it’s going to upset your children (adults)

I have been divorced for 12 years and found a rishta through my nephew. But my kids aren’t happy. They’re embarrassed and mortified that their mother is even considering this.

Surely I’m within my Islamic rights to remarry? When they’ve left home with their spouse, what’ll become of me? I need my happiness and companionship too? Also isn’t it better for widows and divorcees to remarry rather than remain single for safety’s sake and for her own protection?

Please no bashing, I’m after some constructive, practical and religious advice.

Thank you.

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Firstly, Imma gonna whoop butterflies out of anybody who tries to judge you. Secondly, yes you're allowed to by all means and incoming scenarios. Islamically, or not. Them kids won't know until and unless they get to first hand experience the kind little guy you're bringing in, or perhaps the guy isn't being as welcoming when it comes to your kids. I guess tell him to win over your kids if he really wants you?

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All of prophets wives except Hadrat Ayesha were previously married. Your children are being controlling and manipulative! Yes the dearest to us manipulate us. Manipulation is not love. Every adult has free will to decide.

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Children never accept someone else in place of their father or mother even if the new person is an angel. But this is life and it must go on. You don't need that your children accept the new man in place of their father. However, you need to make sure that your children will not make the life of your future husband a living hell. Also you need to realize that you cannot expect the same sort of temperament from the new man at the tantrums thrown by your children. These are the issues one has to deal with virtually every single day. I have seen a few cases in my family of both men and women with children getting married once again but children never accepted the new step-parent. However, as long as the children are not in an antagonistic state-of-mind and the step-parent also shows a big heart and tons of patience, then things worked out far better for everyone than what things would have been like without the step-parent. Sometimes children will have to be married and made to live separately as early as possible to maintain order in the family. I wish you all the best with whatever you eventually decide to do.

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[quote=““Afghani Mum””]
What’s your opinion on this folks? Is it wise to turn down a good rishta if it’s going to upset your children (adults)

I have been divorced for 12 years and found a rishta through my nephew. But my kids aren’t happy. They’re embarrassed and mortified that their mother is even considering this.

It’s natural for your kids to feel unhappy and uncomfortable because it’s human nature to feel resistant to change. For 12 years, your children have been your world. They haven’t had to share you with anyone and they are accustomed to you prioritizing them over any other person. Even though you haven’t been with their dad in 12 years, they still might find it strange to picture you with someone that is not dad. If your first marriage was a difficult one, perhaps your kids are afraid of you going through another difficult marriage. Kids can develop trauma from seeing their parents in pain from a difficult marriage and they can consciously or subconsciously hold on to those fears.

Surely I’m within my Islamic rights to remarry? When they’ve left home with their spouse, what’ll become of me? I need my happiness and companionship too? Also isn’t it better for widows and divorcees to remarry rather than remain single for safety’s sake and for her own protection?

**Of course you are within Islamic rights to remarry. Unfortunately Desi culture has its own set of expectations that not only unjustly limit women but are also not in alignment with Islam which is even worse. **

Please no bashing, I’m after some constructive, practical and religious advice.

Thank you.
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I would suggest having an open discussion with your kids. Find a time when you and the kids are not tired or stressed to have this discussion. Start it off by asking them what exactly makes them feel uneasy about the thought of you remarrying. If they say (for example) that they find it shameful, ask them to explain …why. If they say that they are afraid of such a huge change, ask them to explain what fears they have. You should acknowledge and validate their feelings because in every conflict the other side wants to feel heard and acknowledged. After you heard their ‘side’ where they get the chance to express their feelings and their fears, you should then share YOUR feelings and fears.

Ask your children the SAME questions that you have asked us in this thread. Ask them .."What will become of me when you kids get married and move out of the home? Am I supposed to live the rest of my days in loneliness? I know you will welcome my visits in your own home, but those visits do not adequately compensate for the daily loneliness I will feel returning to an empty home. Gently remind your kids that companionship is a natural need for humans and that includes mom’s as well. Remind them that Islam grants divorced and widowed women to remarry and that the same Islam also prohibits anyone from preventing a person from marrying. Remind them while you are not doing anything un-Islamic by wanting to remarry, THEY (however) ARE doing something un-Islamic by giving you a hard time about it and by giving you a guilt-trip for it or shaming you for it or even giving you an attitude or the silent treatment for it. Remind them of the female figures in Islam that remarried. For example, Khadija (RA) was the first woman to accept Islam and she was married …3 times.

So, have a gentle open dialog with your kids and don’t expect them to accept your point-of-view right away. Let your words sit with them and give them time to reflect upon them. Give your kids some reassurance that you are not going to marry someone blindly and that you will, of course, consider a potential ‘guy’ carefully and that you will introduce him to them and also take their opinion on board…PROVIDED…that they consider him with an open mind and not with prior bias. You can even tell them that you will do your best to verify things about the guy and that (optional) you will do istikhara and seek Allah’s guidance as well.

If talking to your kids is not working, then consider getting support from respected and trusted family members and friends. Maybe an aunt or uncle (for example) can also try talking to them. You can even enlist the help of your local Imam to do a counseling session with your kids to address their fears and worries.

InshaAllah things will work out for you and your kids will become more accepting of you getting married again. Ramadan is coming up and it’s a good time to make dua for yourself that you find an excellent spouse that will also be easy for your kids to accept. Make plenty of dua in sujood and during tahajjud. Some good adhkaar to recite that are recommended for marriage include istighfar and durood. Even just reciting istifhfar throughout the day while you are driving, cooking, cleaning, shopping…is said to bring many positive changes into one’s life. And before approaching your kids to have the ‘marriage talk’…recite the following dua a few times: Rabbish rah li sadri wa yassir li amir wahlul uqdatam min lisani yafqahu qawli.. (Surah Taha verses 25-28)…this dua is often recited before you have to address an audience or a person and you really want Allah to make it easy for you to express your thoughts and for your audience (in this case, your kids) to be able to understand you…and this dua brings about a confidence in expressing yourself. Alhumdolillah I and a friend of mine have experienced the positive effects of this dua.

Hang in there. Things will eventually fall in place. May Allah make it easy for you and children. Amin.

6

I had another thought...

When you say that this is a 'good rishta'....is it 'good' because it sounds good on paper based on what your nephew has told you ...or....have you actually really gotten to know this rishta and feel that he's a good man? If it's the latter and if this guy is also keen on marrying you, then how do you feel about him talking to your kids?

Maybe your kids need more opportunities to interact with this guy in order to accept him? You can't really expect kids to accept a 'good rishta' that your nephew suggested if your kids hardly know him. They will naturally resist. But if this guy is not in a hurry and if he likes you well enough to understand that your kids need time to get to know him....then arrange for some meetings.

I don't know how old your kids are, but I feel that when children (especially young ones and even teens) are involved, you have to take your time and you have to be more thorough. Consider allowing for multiple opportunities for this guy to interact with your children as they might warm up to him. And such visits can always be chaperoned. In other words, you can still have an elder present to keep things halal. Best wishes.

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Arranged Marriages are like blind dates that never end! I agree with the poster to get to know the person first. Being a good person and having good chemistry are two different things. Eg...for some eating loudly, having bad breath, walking slow, slouching, not picking after yourself would a deal breaker. 3 of my renters are single moms with adult kids and seem to be enjoying life, they work, volunteer, have social circles and fully enjoy life. People should

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Please be advised, OP, said poster had his first wife divorced then went on a spree of bragging about how he took her children away. The second wife, he made sure her liver spoke to God on his whatsapp number asking to be brought back in because of the misery she was being put through in his presence. True story. A few months on and he most definitely will be up in the market for a third stint considering the little witch that he is in a male’s body. Take what he says with a grain/pinch of salt is all, although technically I wouldn’t want to take any from a crooked one with a short sight and drumrolls shorter height. Not mentioning his overly large, leaking milk joysticks considering it is ramada

And I repeat, and with all due respect, if the boy legit loves you it shouldn’t take much for him to win over your kids too

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Your children are acting like janwar. Go race them out of the house.

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Polygamy is permitted in Islam, maybe read Seerah! Human race evolved thru polygamy, the genes of weak men are supposed to die off and winners are supposed to reproduce. Women are genetically designed to be repulsed by an average of below average man. In the west it is a phenomena where women will willingly share a winner rather than accept a faithful loser. Unfortunately the toxins god destined for you; to drink, to eat, ingest!! Every one of your and your loved ones organs be speaking to GOD!! Allah!! provides his Naaymaat and good lives to good people and corrupt and evil people drink water infested with feces.

It is not up to the man to convince her selfish and manipulative children. When an adult tries to impose their will on another adult, it is called manipulation. As per Islam or any cultural norms, her children should not compel her.

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Thank you for your replies, really appreciated.

I should have been clear from the start. I married this guy, went abroad, had our nikkah and basked in ten days of pure bliss. My kids were against it, as were my two brothers (both refused to sign my nikkah forms as Wali) and my mum was truly mortified that I could even entertain the thought of remarrying. She tried to sabotage my flight by getting my kids to steal my passport from my cabin bag but I got it in the end.

Coming back to London was a nightmare, they stayed with their dad and I texted them whilst I was abroad but no response. They had completely boycotted me. Life at home is unbearable with the youngest feeding off on the negative hostile vibes from the older ones. Always throwing it in my face that I've destroyed the family by marrying a pig just because he happens to be white. Ramadhan is passing by without any joy or happiness, the kids are fasting, praying and going for Taraveeh, but what the point if their behaviour towards their mum is hostile and aggressive? They want me to admit I made a mistake in marrying but I can't do that. My friends tell me it'll take time but how do I tell them that I'm planning to go back to my husband in May for my birthday? They won't celebrate my birthday and completely ignored me on Mother's Day, so what's the point? I miss my husband and I owe it to him to be with him, we are a couple and we both have rights to each other.

Please advise.

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I wonder why they raise slogans of human rights and super aggressively demand equal and especial treatment for their faith and can be so brutally racist towards others. This fasting, Taraweeh, Namaaz is only a fake drama for personal validation, if they are disrespectful to the mum then they have no deen or religion or humanity. I don’t believe in blood relations, I only believe in relationship of love and respect and kindness.
They are adults now and May Allah give you strength and courage.
Dont ever let anyone dictate how you should live your life.
These guys are not Muslims and are acting like Jihaliyya where women were property.
My second wife’s kids and family don’t want her to associate with me either and she married me in secret. This is pure manipulation and controlling behaviour.

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I’m sorry you’re going through a hard time with your step children, may Allah make it easy for you.

I’m at the stage where I’m sick of tredding on egg shells around my youngest daughter. She’ll glare at me, mumble answers and generally just rude to me. She’s seen her siblings behave like that with me and thinks it’s OK to copy. I’m so reluctant to do anything for her upcoming birthday, I mean why should I? Eid is always a disaster when their dad wants to have them over but so do I. This year I just dunno what’s gonna happen. They’ll certainly won’t want to be near me.

I’m just so unhappy in my own home, I can’t celebrate or feel happy as a married woman who found her own partner. I can’t have my nikkah photos displayed on my table incase it triggers the kids and that I’m rubbing it in their faces. My mobile wallpaper has a photo of our nikkah, yet I feel scared to be open about it. They’ve never once asked to see my pics. I feel defeated, lost and sad to see my kids resenting me cos of what I did. I’m so done with explaining why I did what I did. I’m not going to keep apologising for doing something that Islam has allowed me and what’s completely in my rights. They hate my husband so much without even knowing him. They will never accept him as my husband let alone their mehram.

The sooner my daughters are engaged and married off, the better. Their attention will shift and they’ll focus on their own future.

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[quote=““Afghani Mum””]

I’m sorry you’re going through a hard time with your step children, may Allah make it easy for you.

I’m at the stage where I’m sick of tredding on egg shells around my youngest daughter. She’ll glare at me, mumble answers and generally just rude to me. She’s seen her siblings behave like that with me and thinks it’s OK to copy. I’m so reluctant to do anything for her upcoming birthday, I mean why should I? Eid is always a disaster when their dad wants to have them over but so do I. This year I just dunno what’s gonna happen. They’ll certainly won’t want to be near me.

I’m just so unhappy in my own home, I can’t celebrate or feel happy as a married woman who found her own partner. I can’t have my nikkah photos displayed on my table incase it triggers the kids and that I’m rubbing it in their faces. My mobile wallpaper has a photo of our nikkah, yet I feel scared to be open about it. They’ve never once asked to see my pics. I feel defeated, lost and sad to see my kids resenting me cos of what I did. I’m so done with explaining why I did what I did. I’m not going to keep apologising for doing something that Islam has allowed me and what’s completely in my rights. They hate my husband so much without even knowing him. They will never accept him as my husband let alone their mehram.

The sooner my daughters are engaged and married off, the better. Their attention will shift and they’ll focus on their own future.
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My sister, We shouldn’t let others behaviours affect how I feel. Her children have been very respectful and my first wife created great troubles for them. My first wife and my children attacked me like you could never imagine and I don’t blame my children, but their mother.
As a parent we should believe in unconditional love and please never retaliate. I keep providing, cooking, cleaning, doing groceries and mentoring and supporting their career as my love is not dependent on their behaviour towards me.

Thanks for sharing. I know I am not in the wrong and live a happy and fulfilled life.
Once you stop caring what anyone thinks, life becomes beautiful.

I would encourage you to show love and kindness to your kids. Your behaviour towards them will shape the rest of your life.

I didn’t retaliate and my kids came around and now I am starting to have a great relationship.

My advice is to show them double the love, and stand your ground on living your life your way. The strongest person is the most humble. The biggest strength is Sabr. No one can defeat a person with Sabr.

I admire your courage!

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With all due respect, If you had to go white I'd reckon you were better off keeping your immediate family in the loop from the very beginning of things. Bearing the consequences of your own merry actions once the honeymoon phase is over is pretty much all I see here

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Tumhara pathan brother to bahir jaa kai larkiyan karta haina? Woh mota hai ya patla? Eid card bhi na bhaij.

17

GS got a new troll?

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^ Only if @SID_NY aka Olive baaji is one

Apparently yeh saare namuney (me included) un hi ke balboote phul phoos rahe. Samjhao tou khud namuney bun jaate pur majaal hou jo baat maanein. Kuttey ki dum waali misaal yaad aarahi pur budbukht sharam bhi aarahi..

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Post removed.

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Thought there'd be a few responses but all I got were troll replies.....

A few developments but I need to better construct my response here.