I’m not talking about spouses of different religions, but even when spouses are both muslim for example, both sunni, but following different schools of thoughts, many differences of opinions can happen causing rifts at home.
For example, a guy I know, had issues with his wife holding milads at their home because according to him, it shouldn’t be done, but she’s grown up having those in her home and wants to set the same traditions.
Please don’t get into whether milads are OK or not, but what are your views on resolving these kind of issues?
A great deal depends on how much respect they have for each other. Provided they can clearly communicate their reasons for wanting things how they want them, then they should eventually be able to come to a unified decision. If they let anger and ego come in the way, then trouble abounds.
Respect for the other person and their wishes. Also, acceptance of that person's way of life. Just because they are your spouse, doesn't mean they have to live their life your way.
But this makes me wonder about my vegetarianism. SO isn't a vegetarian. I wouldn't want meat being cooked at home (I HATE the smell). I don't know what compromise would have to be made. I really want no meat at my place, or at our wedding. Bechara! :p
Let me know if you find your match from among desi folks. Even if he is vegetarian , other members of his family might not be and you cannot refuse to go visit his family just because they will cook lots and lots of non veg dishes for a party.
I wonder your parents and other siblings are vegetarian at home. Do you go out when a meat dish is being prepared at home. How do you deal with that. Just curious.
^I am the only vegetarian at home. Meat is cooked regularly, but, luckily, I am not home when that happens. I have to smell it sometimes over the weekend.
I wouldn't kill relationships over ideology. Also, it is not like I'd be invited at people's places every single day.
I dunno. I think milads at OTT and if someone made me do them I'd tell them to go organize one on their own while I go vacay in Bali.
Sorry. These things are issues that should be discussed in the first conversation. A couple should be on the same religious wavelength. The only exception being my Lizard. If jump on that bus anyday, no matter how Jewish he gets.
^I am the only vegetarian at home. Meat is cooked regularly, but, luckily, I am not home when that happens. I have to smell it sometimes over the weekend.
I wouldn't kill relationships over ideology. Also, it is not like I'd be invited at people's places every single day.
The way you described it . It is not ideology for you , it is inconvenience. Right ? Like I cannot tolerate cigarette smoke and smell of tobacco. I will vomit if I just ate and someone light a cigarette near me. I move away if someone is smoking , I feel nauseated. So I would hate to be put in such a situation on a long term basis.
I have lost many potential friendships when I told people not to light a cigarette indoor where I was sitting. I was upfront to tell them that I feel sick if someone smoke near me.
I dunno. I think milads at OTT and if someone made me do them I'd tell them to go organize one on their own while I go vacay in Bali.
Sorry. These things are issues that should be discussed in the first conversation. A couple should be on the same religious wavelength. The only exception being my Lizard. If jump on that bus anyday, no matter how Jewish he gets.
I also wonder , did not not know their religious difference before they get married and sorted it out beforehand.
Is it something that goes so against my belief system that I do not want it taking place in my home? if that is the case than I see issues in marrying someone who cherishes something that one is so against.
Now the other part is, I dont agree with it, I dont like it, you are free to do it, but I will not participate. so the dude or dudette does not participate. or is present socially for sometime but does not partake in the events/rituals.
The way you described it . It is not ideology for you , it is inconvenience. Right ? Like I cannot tolerate cigarette smoke and smell of tobacco. I will vomit if I just ate and someone light a cigarette near me. I move away if someone is smoking , I feel nauseated. So I would hate to be put in such a situation on a long term basis.
I have lost many potential friendships when I told people not to light a cigarette indoor where I was sitting. I was upfront to tell them that I feel sick if someone smoke near me.
That's just the smell aspect of it. My vegetarianism is based in ideology.
On the other hand, to play devil's advocate, one could be supportive of their spouse's passions. Even if they involve outdated religious rituals.
Some are so strict that they think that if they follow rituals of other sect they will loose their faith. But they did not think twice that they will loose their faith if they married a person of other sect. It beats me.
We talk to each other and try to convince. If that does not happen, we dont stop each other from doing what we believe. Luckily there is nothing separating us too much.
The problems begin when children get older and notice differences in the parents. In the case mentioned in the first post, the father was concerned that his children would think that milads were OK whereas he believes they are not. This is just one example. You will be surprised how many such issues surface with time but you don't realize until the kids start asking questions.
The guy did not cross the line and tell his wife she needs to delete all those traditions from her mind. However, the wife did make it clear that she strongly believes in these rituals and would like her children to learn and participate. This is where the problem began.
but can be simplified if both use their heads and the knowledge already at hand... meaning.. reading quran with translation. husband and i have started to do that... it answers all our questions...
your lady friend though is clearly in the wrong and would probably lose out if the husband were to start gathering evidence that milads are not an islamic practice.
if there is an argument , and neither can get their questions answered by reading the quran, then why not ask a maulvi from their own mosque? if something is not permissable then why continue doing it and leading ure own kids astray... both spouses have to think along those lines.
its only mess when there are kids involved... otherwise the need to be uniform adn united in almost everything isnt so great.
How do you deal with that. Just curious.