A good relationship needs conviction to build one but there are three reasons which come in way of them.
There are asupects of “seeming” and “original self” in relationship. Seeming relates to how we want to appear to people and “orginal self” is our un-managed self, where we do not care for confirmation. The tendency of human being leaning towards “seeming” is understandable because we want confirmation of others in life.** This natural tendency to lean towards “seeming” is major problem towords developing good relationship. A relationship could only prosper, if its between original persons. **
The second problem is with how we percieve people, To develop a good relationship we need to percieve other person as a unique individual, We need to sense the presence of a human. Our tendency to be simplistic in this makes genuine communication not possible, which obviously removes any chance of development of a relationship.
The third porblem is related to our imposition of ourselves on others, or our find in others self a disposition towards us and making it further. A genuine relationship, goes on naturally where both partners explore each-other, its not like teaching.
I found these three points helpful…
A bit more on “Seeming” and “Original Self”, I think even independent of relationships leaning towards “Seeming” won’t allows one to build a genuine self, with which he/she can be comfortable when he/she is alone. And by this i doesn’t mean that one should not listen to people, but one should seek a confirmation of his own inner as well, one should nuture his voice with the voice of others as well. I think many sensitive persons would already know what i’m saying.
this is what i can offer as a thought on the proposed issue
i find that relationships, any kind of, being with a mutual understanding of similitude, & some are strong and beautiful enough to even be based on complimentary (opposing) views or characteristics.
as far as 'seeming' is concerned, no amount of pretense or ‘natek’, works especially if the desire is for a reliable relationship.
& the original self is the best way to be, so that at least the agent with which the relationship is being formed or has been formed, knows that there is nothing to come as a surprise, that there are no hidden motives, that the basis of the relationship is transparent personality ands its end in sight is clear.
the moment, original self becomes susceptible to notions of make belief or short-term consolidations or compromises, the very reason as to why the other party in a relationship got intrigued by the originality of the first, all momentum is lost, & one side goes so far out in their quest for making sure, that the relationship is reliable.
being stable in one’s own person, being calm in one’s own skin is really important. changing a lot for the other is actually a bad thing,. both are in there together, therefore, both MUST be fair and considerate & not over stretch each other, if the relationship has to be a lasting. and content one for both .
You are totally right, If two person can’t maintain their own distinct self, there is little chance of healthy relationship, because it would be like “loosing the self for fulfilling a need(relationship) of self”.
I agree, but what makes two persons unable to trust eachother, the three points which i mentioned are the causes of development of untrust, in my view offcourse :). In short they are..
Hiding the real self from the other person, and presenting something which could be more acceptable but not real.
Not Perceiving other individual as a unique, genuine individual.
Imposing ouself on the other fellow, or Finding in his self Disposition towards yourself and making it further.
I hope that above re-written three points might help, and it could be explained if you like…
I am sorry to sound pessimistic but all relationships degenrate into a getting along well but boring each other all the same pattern. Even among parents and children (let alone among spouses) it is not possible to continue being intersting all your life. After afew years, there is really not much new you can say to each other, after that there is just terminal boredom.
I respectfully disagree from both of you.
Lets think of a married scnario,
Two people should not have distinct self, they should merge and evolve as one.
It is not " loosing the self" but it is the finding of oneness.
Maintaining distinct self is helpfull for maintaining a strong relationship and be tolerant up to some level, When in a marriage two partners merge, then this means that they consider each-other a kind of property. And create un-bearable problems for each other and their off spring.
The meaning of life for a couple shouldn't be just marriage, they had to find there focus and essense in life and work through it. One of the major reason for the many un-successfull marriages is that one of the partner has nothing to do, other then serving the relationship.
Absolutely agree with words...firstly practically impossible to merge and find oneness.
secondly, you married someone knowing what they are like...why change them or yourselves into something different. Yes you can improve on your qualities or your partner can do the same...but to consciously try to be alike and one is really not possible...and if you can achieve that it is a short termsolution. At some point in life, the basic personality and individuality will re-emerge. So do not supress, but live with the distinct personalities. Same for your children....let them be themselves...and they will be more confident in their futures.
'stressfull' relations take a toll on understanding and understanding commitment.
they could be stressed due to inner or outer reasons.
physical distance is one thing, but mentally staying non-alert to the nature of the significant other is alarming.
that will make the relationship grow weaker.
How many people on their deathbed wishthey'd spent more time at the office?Everyone wants a piece of your time. Somewhere between your personal vision and daily actions, a gap is created between what you feel you should be doing and what you are actually accomplishing.
For others, we feel guilty over what we're not doing, and we can't enjoy what we do. Some feel empty; our "success" is linked to professional or financial achievement. Absorbed in the ascent, we've left a trail of broken relationships, or missed moments of deep, richer living along the way.
The wake up call comes when a loved one dies, or we discover our teenager has a drug problem, our doctor tells us we have six months to live, or our marriage is threatened by divorce. It takes a crisis to make some
people realize what we're doing with our time and what we feel is important don't match.
"I'd love to spend quality time with you, but I've got a deadline".
"I just don't have time to exercise."
whts this .............
relationships stop due to this main reason tht when we don t have time for ourselves..thn wht abt others...obviously no time for others too
**Identify your roles.
We all have many roles to fulfill at work, in our families, in the community, or in other areas of life. We sometimes succeed in one role at the expense of another, so the key is balance.
Your various roles have to work together along with your mission .**
**
"Everyone has his own specific vocation
or mission in life; everyone must carry
out a concrete assignment that demands
fulfillment. Therein he cannot be replaced,
nor can his life be repeated. Thus,
everyone's task is unique as his specific
opportunity to implement it."
As long as you live, keep learning how to live. -
**
Building, repairing, or renewing relationships with family and friends
Recommitting to deep values through religious activities
Restoring energy through rest and recreation
Developing talents through special interests and hobbies
Contributing through community service
**
The meaning of life for a couple shouldn't be just marriage, they had to find there focus and essense in life and work through it. One of the major reason for the many un-successfull marriages is that one of the partner has nothing to do, other then serving the relationship.
Have you seen people dancing together and moving in almost same fashion while dancing?
Have you seen people setting together silently at some body’s funeral?
Have you seen a couple setting together looking at each other and not saying a word because some thing tragic happened in their household.
Those are the times when (most of us) are out of our shells and acting naturally.
Those are the times when people exhibit and realize that in fact they are not different than next person.
And yes other times we forget and go back to our distinct shinny shells.
