relationships

Lifestyle Relationships
1

when we were younger we used to view human relationships as equal…politics and ego and khamkha ki complications were never involved…like with our parents or grandparents or with our siblings or friends or cousins, politics and ego was and is still never involved…

you cared for the other person ‘dil khol ke’ going as far as your heart wanted in loving the other person, not caring about consequences, not holding back, not caring about what they will think or if they will take you for granted or wondering that they did not care for you or if you care too much for them they will take advantage and hurt you…

showing affection and feeling affection towards another person was always a good thing, a positive emotion…

this is till college…

in college, for the first time, had to deal with ‘guys’ lol :o as in ‘guys’ from PSA/MSA and then the whole element entered ‘dont be too free, it will give the wrong impression’ and suspicions regarding ‘why is he being too free?’…my intention was always clean but i never really knew what the correct behavior was *bummer: …like deciding ‘limits’ was always an ongoing mental struggle…not just for me but for my female friends too…we just did what we thought was ‘right’ and ‘clean’ hoping we dint give any ‘wrong’ impression…

and yeah i’ll admit to this, always analysing the other person’s actions thinking ‘why was he being too free, does he think i’m the type of girl he can be so free with? that means he does not respect me. [for a girl the most important thing is that the other person ‘respects’ her and does not think of her as ‘loose’] why does he not respect me? do i give the wrong impression about myself’

and if the other person is ‘too free’ then he’s not worth talking to as he’s ‘cheap’ and ‘loose’ and you can’t ‘respect’ him..

but then maybe he’s just a really friendly person and that’s why he’s being ‘free’…

it was always a really complex thought process :mudhosh:

but this element always creeped in…it seemed like a normal clean relationship wasn’t possible and these complexities had to inevitably get involved *bummer

i hated having to think abt all this and it used to get quite time occupying and depressing even sometimes so thats part of the reason i used to avoid guys all together…and thats why i am all for single-gender colleges…

but whats really worrisome is that i see all this repeating itself with some, thankfully not all, of my engaged/married friends…they are always discussing ways to ‘keep the husband under control’ and ‘playing hard to get’, ‘keeping him emotionally dependent rather than becoming emotionally dependent’… :bummer* i even saw some articles about this stuff in women’s mags…i dont know …all this seems sooooo weird…whats the point of playing these games with ur own fiancee / husband when u know u guys have to spend ur life together :konfused:

its not that these girls dont care about their significant others but i see them holding back, because they feel they’ll become more vulnerable if they allowed themselves to go as far as their hearts wanted…? they can’t ‘dil khol k’ love their significant others, there are always these shaks and doubts in their minds…??

the engaged ones think ‘if i call him first, he will think i am dying for him and then i will be lowered in his eyes and he will take advantage of me’…they wana ‘play hard to get’…the married ones say stuff like ‘saying sorry is demeaning yourself’ and ‘he will get used to ur saying sorry all the time’…

etc etc… :bummer:

it seems like being nice and humble and accepting your mistake and wanting reconciliation isn’t a good thing anymore? its considered a weakness…you have to have ‘self respect’ and ‘pride’ and ‘ana’ and ‘attitude’ and play these games of politics… :bummer:

is it TRUST thats missing? why did relationships become so complex as we grow older and specially spouse relationships? :frowning: can’t they be simple and complication-free like they used to be when we were kids??? :frowning:

sigh…i think i am really disillusioned..i dono…i guess i should find something constructive to do on sunday afternoons rather than opening threads on gupshup … :smiley: but honestly…would love to get your thoughts on this issue…jazaks…

2

aray baba kash hamaray pas bhi itni lambi lambi post likhnay ka time hota { irem baji say maazrat kay sath}

as u grow up ur views n approaches changes

3

^

:hehe: hey did u ever get ur CV done?

4

in college, for the first time, had to deal with 'guys' lol as in 'guys' from PSA/MSA and then the whole element entered 'dont be too free, it will give the wrong impression' and suspicions regarding 'why is he being too free?'
Women set the rules and guys play accordingly. You sound a little too
uptight….rather conscious when it comes to interacting with the opposite gender. Its more of a teenager trait. Try to meet guys one on one without your preconceived inhibitions.

*...my intention was always clean but i never really knew what the correct behavior was *bummer: ...like deciding 'limits' was always an ongoing mental struggle...not just for me but for my female friends too...we just did what we thought was 'right' and 'clean' hoping we dint give any 'wrong' impression... *
Jesus Christ! :-D What is a wrong impression? The worst that can happen to you is a guy will ask you out. Just smile and say NO! Its not the end of the world. Most desi guys do understand as they expect a similar behavior from their sisters. Don’t suffocate yourself and others who do want to get to know you better.

*and yeah i'll admit to this, always analysing the other person's actions thinking 'why was he being too free, does he think i'm the type of girl he can be so free with? that means he does not respect me. [for a girl the most important thing is that the other person 'respects' her and does not think of her as 'loose'] why does he not respect me? do i give the wrong impression about myself' and if the other person is 'too free' then he's not worth talking to as he's 'cheap' and 'loose' and you can't 'respect' him..but then maybe he's just a really friendly person and that's why he's being 'free'... it was always a really complex thought process
*
This whole paragraph is really disturbing ..too free..type of girl..respect Holy smokes :-D. You need to chill.

but this element always creeped in...it seemed like a normal clean relationship wasn't possible and these complexities had to inevitably get involved *bummer
It is as complex as you make it. I still can’t get over your story about the office guy who sat across your desk and whom YOU thought was trying to hit on you.

Its good that you are very expressive in your thought but please give it a rest. Don’t create issues when there are none. Don’t over analyze things… Its not good for you. If I were living with you..I would be banging my head on the wall everyday. J/K

I am just curious..are you gonna raise your daughters with the same thought process as yours or would you try to make it easier for them by giving them exposure early. Bili kay dur say qabooter ankahin bund kur lay to khutra tul nhin jata…You gotta face the world for what it is.

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Re: relationships

Are you serious Irem? :rolleyes: Goodness gracious … these girls have issues.

If you aren’t confident enough to trust that a guy is with you for YOU (talking about marriage here), then these girls shouldn’t be in a relationship to begin with. In fact, they need to work on their insecurity issues. Nobody should have to manipulate their partner to keep them “emotionally dependant” or try to keep them “under control”. Insecurity issues combined with self-esteem issues perhaps?

Also, guys need to be given some credit here. I figure they would pick up on these issues, which would send them running away screaming in the opposite direction.

6

Hmmmm............irem, the behaviour amongst your female friends, cousins etc isnt only amongst them. You will be surprised to know some of my male desi friends have the same kind of attitude: they dont want to give their all to the relationship becuz its not "good" (dont ask me WHY or HOW its not; i am guessing they also want to play hard to get for some reason).
But this is not necessarly a normal behaviour. Everyone is different. Alhamdulillah when i was going to college in Pakistan, none of my friends had this kinda attitude. I mean we would hang out with a group of ppl including guys at the university but we never went "out" with anyone alone. And I must say I made some really good friends in the process. I think that all the time you spent worrying about what the guy has been thinking abt you, you missed out on a great oppurtunity to know some wonderful people. And please dont think I am picking on you or blaming you. THis is just part of our culture sometimes.
So try to look at every person as an individual (if that makes sense???)Dont worry what they think about you if you talk to them. I am sure you have enough other things to worry about in life :)

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Mehnaz, yeah i’m not kidding, i’m in the middle of aunty or married women convos these days a lot and many times i hear these types of convos…its kinda disturbing honestly…

Fayz LOL… i didn’t think he was trying to ‘hit on me’ or whatever. he just had a staring problem. since then we’ve had two new female employees and they’ve complained of the same thing so it was not just me. anyways, he’s a nice guy, that is his problem that he stares, i already got over it a long time back.
and u make me sound like a total nutcase or something :o i was actually sitting here laughing my head out when i read your reply :smiley: i dont think i need to chill shill…this is what goes thru 99% of minds of girls i know :snooty:

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[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by Ira: *
Hmmmm............irem, the behaviour amongst your female friends, cousins etc isnt only amongst them. You will be surprised to know some of my male desi friends have the same kind of attitude: they dont want to give their all to the relationship becuz its not "good" (dont ask me WHY or HOW its not; i am guessing they also want to play hard to get for some reason).
But this is not necessarly a normal behaviour. Everyone is different. Alhamdulillah when i was going to college in Pakistan, none of my friends had this kinda attitude. I mean we would hang out with a group of ppl including guys at the university but we never went "out" with anyone alone. And I must say I made some really good friends in the process. I think that all the time you spent worrying about what the guy has been thinking abt you, you missed out on a great oppurtunity to know some wonderful people. And please dont think I am picking on you or blaming you. THis is just part of our culture sometimes.
So try to look at every person as an individual (if that makes sense???)Dont worry what they think about you if you talk to them. I am sure you have enough other things to worry about in life :)
[/QUOTE]

Yaar nai alhamdulillah we also used to hang out in mixed groups and all that many times, i dont think i missed on any opportunities to get to know ppl alhamdulillah :) Lekin, yes its true, people may not admit it for the sake of sounding 'cool' or 'politically correct' but its completely true that when you are talking one of one then these relationships are very very complex specially among desis and these factors do come into play. Its never as easy and smooth as having a friend of the same gender, there's lots more politics and thinking involved.

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aray janab kahan no reply as yet, i have got a good link for that

thanx anyways

10

Desi chicks have too much drama, they care about what others will think more than anything else... kinda sad really and in addition, it makes being around them in a social situation unbearable, they totally ignore you, which by the way is very rude, not all of you are God's gift to all of mankind. And further more, not all men are 'cheap' 'free' or otherwise in any way always interested in you.

Some of these girls, from the sounds of it irem you are one of them, have a rather high perspective of yourselves, you need to come down to earth.

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Hmm gonna have the agree with aahmed here... added to what he said I think you and your friends are kinda nuts!?

I want to say that such idiotic thinking only occurs in people brought up with the whole segregated mentality but I've since learned this is not true.

Personally I don't think it is healthy emotionally and mentally ( or even normal ) psychologically to grow up never having any kind of normal relationship with members of the opposite sex besides your immediate family.

I think growing up like that you never even learn how to behave around the opposite sex and you end up having all these idiotic unrealistic preconcieved ideas about what a relationship should even be like. Also you tend to look at everything with perverted eyes.

You brought up an interesting point when you said it's not like that when we are younger....which is very true. I don't think it should be any different when we all grow up either. Its just people get so brainwashed by society and 'culture' and it's always the 2 very opposite negative extreme attitudes that are taught.