Relationship with Sister in law

Lifestyle Relationships
1

I used to have a great relationship with my sister in law years ago and I totally spoiled her by getting her good quality gifts for her birthday and tried my hardest to make her feel welcome into our family. She also did her part, it seemed, but I guess i didn’t really know her that well before because I lived 14 hours away and only saw her on special occasions. I’m going to think that she was genuinely sweet then though. About 2 years back, over a stupid issue that I think she blew totally out of proportion and over reacted to, I’m seeing her in a completely different light. Even if she was at fault, I tried to see it from her side and moved on wanting to keep a good relationship with her for my brother’s sake and because I didn’t want to lose touch with my niece and nephew that I love a lot.

I tried to call her to wish her on religious occasions after a few weeks after the incident just to glue the broken relationship back together but she was rude to me on the phone asking for money for something I thought she and my brother were paying for as a gift to me for attending their grand event. That’s what they had told me at the time. I sent a check to them immediately, figuring maybe it was because of that that she still did not want to repair the relationship. I sent gifts to my niece and nephew birthday presents but they never called to say thank you or to confirm they received the presents at all. It’s like she wants this relationship broken and wants to keep a distance.

Now, recently, when they came to visit me, whenever my sister in law was taking pictures of the family in front of whatever tourist site we took them, she made sure to take pictures excluding me. Like if I was taking a photo of a landmark, at that time she would take a pic of the family so all the pictures on the her camera were without me being in them. I felt hurt because I made sure to take pictures with everybody in the photos, no one excluded including her even if she decided to stand on the side, I would say, " bhabi, do you want to be in the picture…".

The whole time they were staying with us, she was the only one that had to serve the kids, I could never serve my niece and nephew and if I tried, she would be like “give it to me, I’ll serve it”. I made the dish for them, i figured I could atleast serve my niece and nephew. I felt bullied by her so I went upstairs and just did chores.

What the heck happened to her. She’s changed into this bullying, mean woman now.

I feel like I’m an outcast in my own family because my parents love their daughter in law and she wears a different, sweet mask around them so me talking to them about it would just fetch a “we don’t want to takes sides” " don’t put us in the middle of all this".

My brother has changed too and doesn’t see me as a part of the family. He used to call to ask how I’m doing since I’m alone here, now all that’s stopped.

All this family drama is most likely how marriage is and it makes me thankful I’m not married, I run from drama. Can’t deal with it.

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Re: Relationship with Sister in law

If you expect sincerity from siblings and their partners you will be disappointed. I don’t even have expectations of my kids this will insulate me from getting hurt. Don’t run away from love there are great people out there but just condition yourself from not needing any relatives to feel good. We have already decided to travel, volunteer, join clubs etc when we are older.

Your SIL seems very insecure and that brings out ugliness in people, keeping grudges is part of that culture.

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Re: Relationship with Sister in law

kind of sounds like my bhabhi as well. These bhabis give their nands a hard time sometimes.

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Re: Relationship with Sister in law

If you don’t mind, would you like to tell the incident that you think was the cause ? I am just curious :slight_smile:
I understand how u feel. I think it is very cruel of your bhabi and I would have reacted definitely if I were you. I am too going to be a bhabi soon :slight_smile:

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Re: Relationship with Sister in law

tell your brother to ask his wife to stop being a b!tch

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Re: Relationship with Sister in law

As tempting and deserving of it as she might be, it’ll only exacerbate an already tense situation. Short-term gratification in exchange for long-term misery :confused:

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Re: Relationship with Sister in law

Fitoor,

Some people prefer hearing an apology as opposed to receiving gestures of kindness. So, whatever it was that happened between you two, if it was entirely or even partly your fault…you can try apologizing to her…if you think it’ll help.

If you’ve already done that or if you don’t think that it will help…then you will have to push yourself to adjust your perspective to keep your cool and sanity. For instance, if they said they were going to get you a gift…let it go. You would much rather receive a gift that is given lovingly than begrudgingly. It was sweet of you to send gifts for your nephew and niece…so the kids (and not their parents) should be the ones to say thank you, right? But kids are innocent and shy and awkward and when they are very young…they are very much under the control of their parents. So, it could be that they didn’t know how to thank you or even if they wanted to…maybe were unable to do so because of their parents. You took the time (and money) out to do something nice and it’s understandable that you want some sort of acknowledgment; that’s natural. But just tell yourself that the important thing is that the kids were happy. About serving the food…let their amma serve the food. Who cares? The server doesn’t diminish the effort of the one who actually cooked the meal. Bhabi won’t automatically become the cook or become deserving of the credit for cooking jist be ause she ladled the contents of the dish on to her children’s plates. Let her have that petty lil’ happiness, lol. When you’ve gone to greater lengths, then worry over the smaller things. A picture says 1000 words or so the saying goes. It’s good that you didn’t play her game of excluding from photos. So your pics speak volumes about you…in terms of maturity.

As for your bhabi wearing a sweet mask around your parents…it won’t last long, OP. I’m speaking from experience. It is only a matter of time before others start noticing her behavior. Only a matter of time. I’ve seen this happen with friends, with family members, with coworkers. It’s hard to keep up an act for too long with consistency…cuz slip-ups happen…little cracks show up here and there. The way your bhabi is behaving reminds me of 2 coworkers on my team…they are not moved by kindness or a soft tone…and if you stand up for yourself or put them in place…they show an even more worse side…so there’s no winning. Better to keep a polite distance and not resort to their same behavior.

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Re: Relationship with Sister in law

I don’t understand why I should apologize for something like that though. I wanted to get a facial but I told my bhabi that if the price is too high that it is not worth it and that it is not necessary. The building that the salon was in was right next door. I didn’t want to waste her time right then because she had to take my nephew for a haircut but she and my brother insisted that we go for the stupid facial. Why force me when I’m saying that we should wait until after my nephew’s haircut for his big birthday celebration, plus the barber delayed the appointment even more so bhabi was in a super bad mood. so basically she screamed at me and took her anger, that she had kept in reserve for the barber, out on me when I saw that the price of the facial was too high and I said that I didn’t want it right then and that we should just forget about it and get the work done at the barber first. I never saw my bhabi that angry before. It was a turning point in how I saw her. She screamed so loud that I wasted her time, my little 8 year old nephew was staring at her in shock.

It shouldn’t have escalated to that. Forcing someone to do something right then even if they don’t want to is wrong.

I have a feeling that bhabi changed when my parents decided to leave their huge, new house to me instead of my elder brother and bhabi. I’m taking care of it, paying bills, property tax on it so my parents figured it should go to me. I feel like her behavior towards me, the way she talked to me changed after that. I don’t know what the cause of it was but I am having to deal with this new version of her.

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Re: Relationship with Sister in law

From the standards I follow she seems like a horrible person who puts on a facade of civility for personal benefit, not all relationships are worth saving. Getting rid of people who invoke negative feelings is the first step towards happiness. Good people don’t yell at people, they respect other peoples wishes, have empathy and are kind and nurturing.

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Re: Relationship with Sister in law

Umm…I never imposed upon you that you absolutely must apologize to her. That’s why I wrote “IF” in my first post. Considering that you never told us exactly what happened between you two in your original post…the reader then has to try to factor in the missing pieces as well when giving advice.

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Re: Relationship with Sister in law

:k:

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Re: Relationship with Sister in law

I feel sorry to read this. As my famiky has faced a similar situation, sadly my brother acting as a stranger.

Its very painful. We can only pray, may Allah give hidayat to your bhai bhabi. And mine too.

Besides ofcourse if you are going to inherit parents big house rather than your bhai bhabi, it explains their behaviour.

Wa’Allah i just fail to understand how people change.

There are plenty of lovely people around, may you find them :blush: