What were your reasons to reject girls in all the rishtas you came across so far? Do you think those reasons were valid enough to reject someone? Do you think things would have worked if you compromised on small things & showed a little bit of flexibility? What are those things which you are willing to compromise on & what are your deal breakers?
Gals
What were your reasons to reject guys in all the rishtas you came across so far? Do you think those reasons were valid enough to reject someone? Do you think things would have worked if you compromised on small things & showed a little bit of flexibility?What are those things which you are willing to compromise on & what are your deal breakers?
As a girl, I've rejected only a handful of rishtas before I found "the one" (though technically I rejected him at first, but only because I was scared of marriage/commitment). There were a bunch of rishtas my parents rejected on my behalf (usually due to a difference in values, education, age, etc.).
There was one guy we went to see who seemed really good on paper, but his family turned out to be super weird. Like the entire time we were there, his sisters were fighting really aggressively and he acted kinda odd and didn't seem to have much of a personality. As to your questions, none of these issues were things I was willing to compromise on and I'm sure I would have regretted it if I had.
There was another guy who I just didn't like and I still can't explain why. He too seemed good on paper, but when I met him, I just got this really bad/uncomfortable feeling so I said no. This guy later ended up marrying my husband's friend but thankfully we live in different cities, so I haven't had to meet him yet. I guess I could have compromised on this one, but I'm glad I didn't.
Another was this doctor whose mom seemed to be "shopping around" for him. I was pretty insulted when I found out about a few other girls she had approached before me and was still leading on. I insisted my parents break it off and they agreed (even though I could tell my mom wanted a doctor damaad lol). I would never have compromised here because I won't want to feel like he was settling for me; plus his mom gave a snotty sort of vibe. My husband's family, on the other hand, loved me from the start and were actually willing to wait for almost a year till I made up my mind. I thought that was reallly sweet of them and it made me feel really valued.
For me, the guy's family is just as important as the guy himself. I truly believe marriage is the joining of two families and for that reason a dysfunctional family is a definite dealbreaker for me.
Thankfully I didn't personally have to reject anyone as my parents were pretty happy doing all of that for me. I only rejected people pretty early on and the reason was I wanted to pursue some higher education beyond college. My parents rejected an engineer about one day before telling the guy that he will get to talk to me (finally- after a month of talking to him) because the stuff he was telling them wasn't adding up at all. My parents were super cautious with him to begin with because his family was not here and he was living alone. Another two were rejected because parents didn't want me to be married in our own family, nothing to do with the guys themselves.
My husband actually approached me first at work (we had worked together for a few months) and met my parents afterwards. I compromised on a lot initially because I loved how compatible his values were with me, he acted like a friend (no weird chichora pan), and my parents instantly fell in love with him and his family. But alhamdulillah, very happy that I compromised since it turned out to be such an awesome decision. I loved the fact that his family was so compromising, and didn't dily daly at all the way pakistani families sometimes do, and they weren't greedy the way people are when getting their doctor sons married!
Different family environment/background - as in culture in homeetc
Different socio-economic background (usually the richer ones)
Didn't find physically attractive etc.
Different family environment/background - as in culture in homeetc
Different socio-economic background (usually the richer ones)
Didn't find physically attractive etc.
Do you think these things can be overlooked to start a family or not?
Are you a girl?
Reasons for turning down rishtas (don't like the word rejection!) before I met my husband:
I liked the family (siblings/cousins etc) better then then the guy. They were close family friends of ours and I felt like he almost a brother figure
Age difference combined with cultural difference. I said no to a doctor rishta from a guy from pakistan who was doing residency in america. I was 19 at the time, he was 28. A 10 year age gap plus the fact that I was born and raised in America and he wasn't gave me the feeling it would be a recipe for disaster (things he said and did during the getting to know you phase didn't sit well with me)
Last rishta I got was actually a really great guy but I said no because I had already met my husband when the rishta came
Did they actually stop looking for rishtas in the entire year you were deciding? If so wow. Your hubby must have fallen for you !
As a girl, I've rejected only a handful of rishtas before I found "the one" (though technically I rejected him at first, but only because I was scared of marriage/commitment). There were a bunch of rishtas my parents rejected on my behalf (usually due to a difference in values, education, age, etc.).
There was one guy we went to see who seemed really good on paper, but his family turned out to be super weird. Like the entire time we were there, his sisters were fighting really aggressively and he acted kinda odd and didn't seem to have much of a personality. As to your questions, none of these issues were things I was willing to compromise on and I'm sure I would have regretted it if I had.
There was another guy who I just didn't like and I still can't explain why. He too seemed good on paper, but when I met him, I just got this really bad/uncomfortable feeling so I said no. This guy later ended up marrying my husband's friend but thankfully we live in different cities, so I haven't had to meet him yet. I guess I could have compromised on this one, but I'm glad I didn't.
Another was this doctor whose mom seemed to be "shopping around" for him. I was pretty insulted when I found out about a few other girls she had approached before me and was still leading on. I insisted my parents break it off and they agreed (even though I could tell my mom wanted a doctor damaad lol). I would never have compromised here because I won't want to feel like he was settling for me; plus his mom gave a snotty sort of vibe. My husband's family, on the other hand, loved me from the start and were actually willing to wait for almost a year till I made up my mind. I thought that was reallly sweet of them and it made me feel really valued.
For me, the guy's family is just as important as the guy himself. I truly believe marriage is the joining of two families and for that reason a dysfunctional family is a definite dealbreaker for me.
Did they actually stop looking for rishtas in the entire year you were deciding? If so wow. Your hubby must have fallen for you !
Haha yeah I was pretty surprised about that too. At the time I was almost hoping they'd say no so I won't have to make a decision but alhamdolillah I'm so glad they waited!
Cousin/bhai: couldn’t see myself getting attracted to him physically.
Too old: 10 years difference = generation gap.
Too old/religious: Ok, 6-8 years difference is a little better but too religious. No attraction.
Mr Yes: I wanted to say NO to him as well because I was still studying and would have to move. But he was the kind of guy who could deal with my and still be happy about it.
As a girl, I've rejected only a handful of rishtas before I found "the one" (though technically I rejected him at first, but only because I was scared of marriage/commitment). There were a bunch of rishtas my parents rejected on my behalf (usually due to a difference in values, education, age, etc.). There was one guy we went to see who seemed really good on paper, but his family turned out to be super weird. Like the entire time we were there, his sisters were fighting really aggressively and he acted kinda odd and didn't seem to have much of a personality. As to your questions, none of these issues were things I was willing to compromise on and I'm sure I would have regretted it if I had.There was another guy who I just didn't like and I still can't explain why. He too seemed good on paper, but when I met him, I just got this really bad/uncomfortable feeling so I said no. This guy later ended up marrying my husband's friend but thankfully we live in different cities, so I haven't had to meet him yet. I guess I could have compromised on this one, but I'm glad I didn't.Another was this doctor whose mom seemed to be "shopping around" for him. I was pretty insulted when I found out about a few other girls she had approached before me and was still leading on. I insisted my parents break it off and they agreed (even though I could tell my mom wanted a doctor damaad lol). I would never have compromised here because I won't want to feel like he was settling for me; plus his mom gave a snotty sort of vibe. My husband's family, on the other hand, loved me from the start and were actually willing to wait for almost a year till I made up my mind. I thought that was reallly sweet of them and it made me feel really valued. For me, the guy's family is just as important as the guy himself. I truly believe marriage is the joining of two families and for that reason a dysfunctional family is a definite dealbreaker for me.
Lol Macy's Rishtas.
Care to elaborate?
Lol, what I meant was that she was talking about the Ristha's as if she's shopping for clothes. Like "Guy one was too snobby. Guy 2's mom not good, doctor this, shopping that" LOL sounded like she was on RisthaEbay.com
Haha very true. But in an arranged marriage situation, is there really any other way to treat it? It’s like a business transaction where you figure out what you want and what you have to offer. If both parties are satisfied with what they’re getting, the transaction goes through… the stuff of dreams
I dispise it, I think it’s the worst kind of joke that parents can play to their children. Instead of letting them fall in love with the person whom their comfortable with they lay these rules and regulations ahead of them. Stating bogus facts like “Don’t look at the girl, but her family”. Like dafuq man I’m gonna marry her family. But usually that’s how Shaadis are looked at in our culture. It’s a way for families to connect. My answer to that is I dont know have the family members add each other on Facebook. Don’t ruin people’s lives. People marry without know intimate details about one another. This is a huge gamble, if you dont know what kind of person you’re going to be spending the rest of your life, you might as well spend all your money play poker. Because the life you have is too short to be able to figure people out and try to reach a ground where you both agree upon. Some married couples are happy, sure you found the right person. You got lucky, but there are some people who don’t. They get stuck with the worst kind of people imaginable. People who are compatible with each other one bit. But they force themselves to live with each other. That is what’s scary, such a sad life.
I can totally understand why parents are so concerned about the family part. My parents tried to connect with my in-laws but they have always been irrational and completely unreasonable, creating issues out of nothing while ignoring the real issues. Even though I have never lived with them yet, they still found ways to make things difficult. Still, it is better to have a loving partner who still gives you the place you deserve rather than a family that loves you but the hubby couldn't care less.
and still be happy about it.