I have a friend who’s been in nikah with his cousin for almost 4 years and their shadi will take place end of this year but the guy is kind of confused regarding going on with the relationship for life time, according to him their compatibility is zero, they think differently and nothing is common between them. To give a little more insight, his father and mother also have an incompatible relationship and he grew up seeing all that(mother being bossy/adamant and father detaching himself gradually from everything) now he is afraid/confused/worried, what if she turns out to be like his mother after shadi.
Do you think above mentioned reason are enough to divorce?
I believe that he should have thought about those things before saying "qubul hai" Nikah is not a joke . I agree with the above poster that he is assuming things. Our parents are our role model and his parents marriage has not certainly been an ideal one. I believe the whole idea of two people getting married and living together is scary for him.
But I am also concerned what if he leaves her after rukhsati ......this is a very delicate situation......what he needs to do is to develop trust on her .....with such kind of attitude "what if she turns out to be like this ?" he will only damage the relationship and I can very confidently tell you the damage will be very deep. Can't he discus his fears with his wife ? Who knows may be she manages to get him some sort of surety or mental relief.
i agree with both of you...making decision based on an assumption is not wise and sadly the element of trust seems to be missing between them. He has discussed things with her and probably she is doing an istikhara for that too.
**Well, its great to know he woke up after 4 years :k:
Anyway, now that he has realized how important it is to him to have compatibility and strong communication, they both should go beyond just discussing it and try find things which can match them together. I mean they’re already married, why not go all the way and really try to find similarities. A marriage counselor may help.
Whats the point of doing istikhara now?? This should have been done 4 years ago!! I’m guessing they don’t even live together like they should be so they don’t know much about each other.
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Shoulda thought about that before he got married... at this point he needs to do whatever he can from his side to make it work out, I'm sure his wife will do the same.
He doesn't have his heart and mind in to it . I don't know how fruitful it will be to pushing for it . He might give it a shot and see if they can live together . But if result gona be same after few years then why waste time .
Why have they been in a stagnant situation for the past 4 years? Who was responsible for this? A nikah that long is a disaster...long distance relationship like this fail.
They havent lived together...they have nothing to base their decisions on...I think the couple should try to make things work before going their separate ways.
Marriage is not meant to be a bed of roses all the time. There ARE going be scary and weird realizations throughout their lifetime together. He cant just bail out everytime something unexpected develops. Its not fair to her.
Unless they have 0 chemistry...they need to try and work this out.
I have a friend who's been in nikah with his cousin for almost 4 years and their shadi will take place end of this year but the guy is kind of confused regarding going on with the relationship for life time, according to him their compatibility is zero, they think differently and nothing is common between them. To give a little more insight, his father and mother also have an incompatible relationship and he grew up seeing all that(mother being bossy/adamant and father detaching himself gradually from everything) now he is afraid/confused/worried, what if she turns out to be like his mother after shadi.
Do you think above mentioned reason are enough to divorce?
Even if he were to marry some other girl (who is not a cousin)....what guarantee does he have that she'll either turn out OR not turn out like his mother?????
Even if he were to have a love marriage......being in a marriage (where you actuallyhave to live with the other person) is much different than just being in the relationship phase.
You don't really know a person unless you live with them....and that's a risk that he'll have to take no matter which girl he marries. Although.....you can get to know your partner before marriage to see if you're compatible. But....if he already knows and has observed that she and him are NOT compatible.........................then why is he still in a relationship with her? Why doesn't he end it?????????? Is it because she's his "cousin" and he doesn't want to upset family members?????????? If that was the case, then he should have told his parents in the beginning that he will get to know the girl....but won't agree to marry her unless he finds her compatible. That way, if they don't click....he wouldn't prefer it....and it would be fine because he would make that clear to everyone in the beginnning.
He goofed up...didn't think it through carefully...(sure, fear may be a reason here)....and now he wants to call it quits....???? Shoulda thought about the compatibility before agreeing to a Nikkah....because ending it would carry greater consequences for her than for him.
Rolls eyes....at the spinelessness of some desi guys.
^And did he just recently (just this year) have the realization that they are not compatible?????????????? If so..........could it just be a case of cold feet?
Cuz 4 years is a long time.....for him to realize things. He SHOULD have realized this BEFORE agreeing to Nikkah....that way it would have never taken place.
But since the Nikkah is already done..........he could have realized that they were not incompatible....a few months after the Nikkah....or 1 year after the nikkah....even 1.5 years. BUT WHY NOW AFTER 4 YEARS?????????????
I wouldn't want the girl to marry a guy who is weak and is not attracted to her. At the same time, I imagine how people in desi community gossip when a girl gets divorced and that too....after 4 years (which will make for greater talk). I hope she finds someone better than him. Or if this is just a case of cold feet on his part....I hope he snaps out of it and starts thinking sense. He needs to analyze what's going on with him.
Pretty much what everyone said. Few months are enough to realize whether or not you are compatible with someone or not. 4 years is a lot. Divorce is not a joke nor was the nikkah. He should work with his wife and communicate to see how they can atleast make effort to be compatible and think at same levels. He needs to be a man and learn to live upto his words and decisions.
Perfect example of why you don't do a nikkah, wait for a long time, and then do a shaadi (rukhsati). What a joke. He's been treating this like some engagement that can be broken off any time soon, and it is NOT the case. He will have to go through full divorce proceedings, and quite honestly, its only going to hurt her in the end. She will be seen as an unvirgin woman, even if she never consummated the marriage as she was in a nikkah for 4 years. No one will believe they didn't consummate at some point, or didn't get at least to second base.
Comon man, this is ridiculous. Don't get into nikkahs when you're not sure about things.
Perfect example of why you don't do a nikkah, wait for a long time, and then do a shaadi (rukhsati). What a joke. He's been treating this like some engagement that can be broken off any time soon, and it is NOT the case. He will have to go through full divorce proceedings, and quite honestly, its only going to hurt her in the end. She will be seen as an unvirgin woman, even if she never consummated the marriage as she was in a nikkah for 4 years. *No one will believe they didn't consummate at some point, or didn't get at least to second base. *
Comon man, this is ridiculous. Don't get into nikkahs when you're not sure about things.
Agree with RV, seriously how spineless can a person be?? Four years??
Whatever he decides I sincerely hope he thinks things thru properly.. Also would be wise not to be intimate at all with her till his head is totally clear cos apart from playing with her feelings and stringing her along the last thing the girl needs is to be dumped with a baby (you'd be surprised how many guys say they aren't compatible or attracted to their other halves after an arranged marriage but still somehow manage to have sex with them, sometimes get them pregnant and create an even bigger mess)..
Some ppl on here have asked in the past 'does love always come after marriage if I feel nothing for him?', let this be a lesson to those who answered 'yes' and those who aren't attracted to or feel anything for the person their parents want them to marry yet kid themselves into thinking they're 'doing the right thing.'
I say he should divorce her... he obviously isn't interested in her anymore (whatever the reason might be) . if his heart is not in it, its not good for either one of them.. y go through rukhsati and later on realize that "i was right, i shouldn't have married her" dilemma (Allah na kare) . that would be worst than divorcing her now.
she doesnt live with him so it isnt as bad as if they were actually living together (rukhsati)
May Allah give them hidayat and whatever happens, happens for their good.
It's the fault of the parents as they are the ones who have a major part in this. Who delays rukhsati for four years, dumb sh*ts, it's also possible his parents are behind this, don't rule that out, they might have found another to extend their rubbish 'khandan'