So I cancelled my previous visits to my sister’s place owing to her terrible attitude over visit length (my FIRST visit to her place in like 6 years of her married life), first of all when she suggested that I’d have to stay over at a relatives place after a few weeks, and then the second time when she added that a “few weeks will be enough” and that she needed the remaining time to finalize arrangements for her OWN trip (that she makes five times a year). Really pissed at her attitude esp since she’s stayed over at my expensive pad in the big city. And now I’m at my parents place she’s coming over for a MONTH and I’m also here for a break and I hate her guts coz she puts such massive limitations on others. I know some of you will say like wtf this does not amount to an issue, but sorry, I’ve burnt my fingers bad and I do have a def stance here though you may opine that it’s unwarranted. My few choices are to:
a) Be diplomatic and all smiles, keeping a quiet distance
b) Ignore her and send the message
c) Be hostile and get her OUT
d) Pretend as if nothing happened and be normal
I’m inclined towards B though I fear I may end up doing D. HELPPPPPPPP!!!
EDIT: YES there was a reason why she referred me to the relative when I was going to make a visit – it was one of her frequent trips home BUT bro-in-law was going to be at her own place and I would have ample time to get acquainted with him a li’l more (I know him well enough). I intended to make this trip for work-related as well as leisure reasons. I thought her putting me off was simply rude and unwarranted, she could have simply said something less abrasive.
Talk to her about it without being defensive. Maybe there's SOME reason why she doesn't want you staying any longer. Just hear her side first before making any accusations. If you feel that she doesn't have valid reasons...then CALMLY (otherwise there'll be much tension when she comes over) tell her that you don't mind helping her out when she needs it, but that when it's your turn...you feel that there is some hesitation/reluctance on her end. Tell her .."If my assumptions are wrong, then correct me"...give her a chance to explain herself. At least i'll plant the seed in her head to just reflect over her own actions when family needs her.....not just for things like staying over at her place...but just in general.
Okay, so if I add that in most of the phone conversations I have had with her she sounds pretty irritable and at times condescending (towards me) lend more credence to my position?
PS: My mom is all out on her side, when I told her this is what she said when i was planning a trip, she's like "she NEVER said that" to quote her verbatim
Okay, so if I add that in most of the phone conversations I have had with her she sounds pretty irritable and at times condescending (towards me) lend more credence to my position?
Did you do anything to piss her off (that you may not be aware of)? Maybe she was upset at something else when you called? Is she usually irritable? Cuz I'll tell ya....I know some family members that just don't have warm/fuzzy/lemme talk for hours on the phone type personalities. How is her marriage? Any problems there?
You know THIS (point that you brought up) could actually be a good place to start when addressing the matter. Tell her "Maybe I'm wrong, but I've noticed that whenever I call you seem irritable. I just wanted to know if everything is okay with you...or if you're upset with me? Maybe there's something I can do to help...or if there are any misunderstandings between us I might clarify them. I'm there for you..but sometimes I feel that when I turn to you...there's some hesitation/reluctance on your part."
I'm going to go in the other direction from the rest. Why shouldn't a sister be as nice to her brother as a brother is to his sister? Why is the obligation only only one way? If the excuse is that his sister is married and has her own obligations, well then when Guy's wife marries into the family, she too won't have to be nice to the sister. Common courtesy, affection and consideration is not based on gender, but sincerity of feelings.
Mind you, none of us know the back story of why the sister behaved the way she did - she may have a valid reason.
To OP, as for what you should do, talk to her about it - you're both adults - tell her how her actions made you feel and clear the air with her - why let such negative feelings fester between siblings.
redvelvet, well she visited me in the midst of a snowstorm that lasted for weeks in subzero temperatures, and it didn't go exactly fantastically because she expected that I'd walk her through all the touristy places which I have neither the appetite nor the stamina for, but which I did do reluctantly but the freeze made it worse. But I did go out of my way -- did not have any other appointments, made sure she stayed comfy and happy. I think her marriage is fine, so no problems there.
the situation at hand is.......his sister is giving him cold shoulder.........what he can do about it honestly??? if she doesn't give a sh!t...she doesnlt..
at the end of the day despipte all of the issues you have with her she's still your sister, talk to her about it she may not even know that her attitude and actions have been bothering you so much..
^^ No seriously, I'm very pissed off esp coz this tendency runs in the family to brush everything under the carpet and pretend as if nothing happened, apologizing let alone owning up RARELY happens, so I'm not sure if talking would help coz the reply would be "it's all in your head there's nothing to talk about"
^^ No seriously, I'm very pissed off esp coz this tendency runs in the family to brush everything under the carpet and pretend as if nothing happened, apologizing let alone owning up RARELY happens, so I'm not sure if talking would help coz the reply would be "it's all in your head there's nothing to talk about"
Ok so if this is a tendency in your family....then im guessing that issues dobt get any closure...they fester into grudges. And who knows how old they might be. Could ths be a cause for your sister's irritability? You can choose to either adhere to this usual practice and brush it off....but clearly it bugs u too much...or you can attempt to develop positive communication. Tell her that uve noticed het strssed tone on the phone whenever u call n u wanna know if shes,okay in general n with u. I get the vibe.something is off with het and has been for a while.
So she was maybe not pleased with how you took care of her on her snowstorm visit, whether justified or not? So she gave you a taste of your own and now you're going to do the same. You both seem to have expectations that the other is not living up to.
Perhaps you're both high-maintenance egoists and just have to accept each other as that and expect nothing else.
It's just super awkward -- I needed to make those trips, I AM mad at her, not sure if she understands what she did and now she's around.... :( not exactly the vacation I planned for -- and this is her THIRD trip home :S
It's just super awkward -- I needed to make those trips, I AM mad at her, not sure if she understands what she did and now she's around.... :( not exactly the vacation I planned for -- and this is her THIRD trip home :S