Re-surfacing after some time

Lifestyle Relationships
1

For those of you that have read/answered my previous threads regarding this topic, there is an update. I need mature advice as I’m conflicted between how I WANT to handle this situation and probably how I SHOULD handle this.
Previous threads:
http://www.paklinks.com/gs/life-and-relationships/511835-any-idea-whats-going-on.html
http://www.paklinks.com/gs/life-and-relationships/520237-family-inquiry.html

summing up the previous threads: boys family pursued me, then vanished when we asked for family info and said that we couldn’t commit until the guy and I knew what we were doing in life (job/school location, etc). Boy who had talked to me everyday (his family was also emailing/calling all the time) then vanished. This was September…

Well last week, I was at some building for something work related and ran into boy’s cousin. This cousin is the one that lives nearby and has been the “third party” involved and was the one responsible for setting up this rishta from the get-go. I knew she worked at the building and I was hoping I wouldn’t run into her as I’ve gone there a few times since this whole thing happened and I had the good fortune of making it out without having to see her. Anyways, I was standing and talking with my boss when I noticed her hovering out of the corner of my. As I was turning around to leave, she started talking to me–asking how I was doing, tell me she had switched her hours and was working some other day now. I was uncomfortable the entire time but tried to be cordial. She ended with “tell aunty I said salam” and left. I was confused because she/her mom–along with the guy’s family (her cousin)–had completely vanished this entire time and she had made no effort to reach out or even figure out what was wrong. Now all of a sudden she’s talking to me normally.

I told my mom about it and her only response was that chances are the girl doesn’t know the details about the “rishta ending” and can’t have known that her cousin and family were shady and batameez like that. So I shouldn’t hate on her for trying to talk to me.

I forgot about it and then today I receive a message on fb from the cousin saying that it was nice seeing me and I should come and visit her at work more often. And then a friend request.

I really want to say something about what happened, because I felt so hurt and humiliated by the way things were handled by her family but at the same time I feel like it’s giving her/the family too much importance to even acknowledge the cousin. I’m confused as to what’s going on–especially since it’s nearing June/July (when the guy adn I should be finding out about grad school/jobs). I had defriended the guys family and stopped keeping in touch with everyone after the rishta ended so shadily (mostly because I feel like the manner with which it was done was so disrespectful to my parents) so obviously this cousin knew that I had no intentions of being friendly/keeping in touch with her 7 MONTHS AGO. Why is she back all of a sudden, wanting to be all chummy?

I’m so confused. As of now, I’m sitting still and not responding to her messages or anything. Any advice/thoughts? (I know this sounds so stupid…me freaking out over a fb message…but I’m bound to see this girl at work again OR at friend’s stuff since turns out we have the same extended social circle)

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Re: Re-surfacing after some time

if she makes you uncomfortable, then dont get chummy with her.

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Re: Re-surfacing after some time

Tell her if you're uncomfortable, and tell her exactly why you're uncomfortable. No need to bad mouth the guy because that would make you look petty. Just tell her that they ended it abruptly and that you haven't been in touch with them since. If you actually want to be friends with her then tell her that.

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Re: Re-surfacing after some time

If you are going to find yourself interacting with her in social situations, you can reply to her message casually, one or two lines depending on what she wrote to you, you know like you would treat a sister from the mosque. Don't feel pressurised to add her, though I would suggest you don't tell her about what happened/how you feel about the entire proposal issue because come on this will pass on to their family and rumours spread like wildfire.

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Re: Re-surfacing after some time

I would go with post 3 suggestion

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Re: Re-surfacing after some time

Tbh i have no desire to be friends with her. We met only because of the rishta context. And I can't shake off the feeling that she knew about the shadiness because she was completely nonexistent for the past few months. So why the sudden need to want to be friendly now? I guess im confused because on the one hand I don't want to be batameez (only because last thing I need is gossip about how rude I am ) and on te other hand I'm still hurt and disrespected about what happened so I feel like she should know it's not ok to try to pawn off your shady cousin to some girl knowing about his past (we found out some stuff she had lied about regarding him).

Im slightly creeped out/worried because I had found out they had been keeping tabs on me for the past 2-3 yrs and I question why she's back in the picture. And as humiliating it is to admit this (I know I deserve better), I had developed feelings for the guy and the situation left me pretty hurt and its annoying that his fam returns just as I had finally got over that. Not only that, she pretends like everything is fine and dandy and that all that didn't happen.

blah I guess im just on a rant. Sorry.

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Re: Re-surfacing after some time

Also the "passing off info to her family". I know that my med school location was a big barrier in all this and i don't feel like they deserve to know if im single/married/in med school/working. And this cousin HAS to be prying. She asked me asked what I was up to when i saw her and i just gave her a vague answer.

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Re: Re-surfacing after some time

Why not just be open with the cousin and tell her what happened, and that you feel awkward? You dont have anything to hide.

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Re: Re-surfacing after some time

u were the one who was hurt and besides its been 7 months , she must have thought you wouldnt even remember?

if it upsets you then be "ok" with the cousin but not really be ok.Keep avoiding her.

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Re: Re-surfacing after some time

soconfused, just ignore her. If she acts dheet and is still after you (like running into you again and/ or sending messages on fb again), then be polite and tell her why you don't want to take things further since it makes you uncomfortable.

People do have this feeling of inquisitiveness with families where they have had been in contact for the rishta thing. My mom continues to receive calls from such an aunty who is a mutual friend of a family who had been in contact for my rishta and then disappeared. My mom occassionally receives the phone calls and being asked, Ashy ka kuch final hoa? Wth... Why would people want to know about us if they don't want to pursue further and if they are not interested.

The way things were ended in your case, I don't think the guy and his family would be thinking to come back again for the rishta. Just try to avoid the cousin and if she it still persistent, talk to her and tell her that you and your family is uncomfortable. Just tell her that the way things ended, it makes you uncomfortable and you hope she understands this.

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Re: Re-surfacing after some time

maybe its time to get over what happened....?
I would still have my guard up and perhaps only provide her access to a limited profile until such time as she is able to earn your trust again.....

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Re: Re-surfacing after some time

how about asking her where the hell they went. was she not the one who set you up? she's got some explaining to do... and most likely she will know what happened considering she was involved from the get go.

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Re: Re-surfacing after some time

I really do want to do this, but I was warned by mom to not "give them any importance" because the last thing she wants is them thinking that I'm sitting here pining away, thinking about how sad it is that we couldn't be together. And truth be told, I don't expect her to be honest. She lied about the guys age/when he was going to be finishing his degree/etc so...Plus, I don't know what reasoning they could have for possibly disappearing so shadily--at least a REAL, valid reason. "Hey, so the truth is my cousin was actually married before (or whatever) which is why they vanished when you guys asked them for info for background check"

I just replied back with a "iA". That's it. Hopefully the short response will hint that I'm not interested in conversing.

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Re: Re-surfacing after some time

I think I'm just panicking/confused/holding onto hope (don't want to admit this but I guess it's true) because WTH...what is prompting her to come back all of a sudden. We were never friends prior to this setup and I've met her a handful of times, 95% of which were when the guy was visiting and she came to see me with the family. There is nothing that would indicate I want to keep in touch with her or that we have anything in common...I guess the thought running through my mind is: are they trying to snoop to find out if I found someone else/got into grad school? Their past behavior (ESP this cousin's) would indicate that snooping is something normal for them since they had been gathering info about me/my family for the past 2 years even before approaching us formally. But this is a pretty sadistic/masochistic way of dealing with things since it wont do anyone any good to find out what I'm upto.

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Re: Re-surfacing after some time

This is not about giving them importance, in fact its about giving them a piece of your mind and letting them know what you think of their behaviour. but more importantly, you need closure. They played with your mind and feelings (with intent or not), you will still wonder what happened for many years on. It could affect your self esteem and trust in potential future rishtas.

There is no need to be confrontational, just ask casually (via text), 'by the way, do you remember the guy (your cousin) you set me up with a while back,well they seemed really interested but strangely we didnt hear back. it went quiet all of a sudden...do you know what happened?

she may say she doesnt know, or whatever, but ask her if she could find out for you. and when she does (even if you presume shes lying), you can simply reply well...we think there was something dodgy and disrespectful about the way they dissappeared, maybe they've got something to hide.....etc. and tell her what you really think, and then end it with but thankfully I've moved on...to better places and people. Thank God, we didn't pursue the rishta, imagine having to live with such people all your life.

end of discussion from your side.. regardless of what she replies.

dont worry, she will pass the message on.

I wouldn't agree to meet or add her fb, just talk via text, it easier that way to refuse ignore, dismiss any personal questions from her.

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Re: Re-surfacing after some time

Ok firstly, there has to be no way that the girl couldn't have known. If the rishta came through them, she has to have known!
Secondly, if the rishta went south, there's no need to be buddy buddy with the girl. I had a rishta once and the guys sister and I hit it off right away, she always said even if things dont work out we should still stay intouch and I always thought it would be, might be ok.. but as soon as it was over, I just blocked her off fb, msn everything. No need to have reminders in your life about stuff that fell through!
If she says salam, be cordial but don't let your heart get into the matter. If they were that rude to not even say why they did what they did, your better off!

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Re: Re-surfacing after some time

I thought about it because what you said did make some sense to me but 1) I'm not close to this girl at all and the thought of being like "hey tell me what's up" seems really weird since I've talked to her like 2x. 2) She's the one that started this whole re-initiating contact business. I feel like it would make MORE sense for HER to be like "hey I know you were upset at me because of what happened (I mean HELLLLLOOOO, I deleted her and ignored her for a good 7 months till these recent developments) but here's the deal: _____" She could've said anything but the fact that that she's acting like NOTHING happened--especially not something shady--is really odd.

I know she's going to pass back whatever goes on between us to her khala. That's part of the reason I'd rather adopt silence instead of engaging them. They shut me out of everything when they wanted (and not once, but twice). To this day, I have no idea how the guy I talked to for a good 2-3 months went from being totally gung-ho about this union to cutting me off completely. Thus, I don't think he or his family deserve to get a glimpse of what's going through my mind. I'd rather that they sit there and wonder what happened with me--just like they made me do these past few months--than give them knowledge about me moving on/not moving on/going to med school/getting married.

As such, I ended up just responding with 'iA'. Nothing more. It's just acknowledging that if God wills, I'll see her. If not then, I won't. Nothing else.

[QUOTE]
*Ok firstly, there has to be no way that the girl couldn't have known. If the rishta came through them, she has to have known!
*
[/QUOTE]

TOTALLY. If she was driving ME crazy with trying to get this rishta to keep going on, then SURELY she must've also been talking to her own khala about the updates. Also, I know for a fact that they share everything with each other because somehow the guy would know where I'd been/who I'd been hanging out with since the girl would tell him immediately.

[QUOTE]
*The guys sister and I hit it off right away, she always said even if things dont work out we should still stay intouch *
[/QUOTE]

This girl and her mother said the same thing to my mom. That "we're like family". Of course that means nothing because as soon as things took a turn for the worse the mother and cousin disappeared --even though we're from the same community. Guess they didn't want us asking as to why the guy's parents flipped out when we asked for family info back home in Pak.

**
[QUOTE]
If she says salam, be cordial but don't let your heart get into the matter. If they were that rude to not even say why they did what they did, your better off!
[/QUOTE]
**

Unfortunately, I had let myself get attached to the guy and now I"m paying the price. This is why even though everyone's telling me to brush it off / it's not a big deal, I'm thinking so much about it. I'm one of those ppl that needs to take drastic steps to get over people which is why I blocked him on everythign and deleted all of his emails to me just so I wouldn't look through them. I'm just gonna reject the cousin's request and block her so I don't have to sit there and look at the thing everyday.

Thanks guys for your advice. I know I sound like a stupid love sick puppy and, trust me, I thought I would be the LAST person in the planet to ever act like this over someone. :S

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Re: Re-surfacing after some time

update
so I was very concise but polite and said iA I'll try (a week or so ago) and I got a response yesterday saying "btw did you decide where you are going to medical school".

Now I'm really suspicious. Why does she care?!? I just said Yes. And left it at that. But wthhhh