Raising Girls & Curfews

Lifestyle Parenting, Household Affairs and Cuisine corner
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I was inspired to ask a question after reading a thread on raising girls. Esp for parents who have both boys/girls, how do you feel in regards to a girl and her curfew? Let me explain. If your daughter wanted to go out to movies etc with friends, would you be comfortable in letting her go by herself with friends. How much trust do you give them, how do you figure it out.

I remember growing I used to get into major arguments with parents about being allowed to go out with buddies to eat/parties/movies/shopping etc…and usually I had to go with my brother/father for shopping/movies etc…until I got older and even than required a little rebelling or insistence on my part. How do you find a healthy balance of being open minded with them but NOT too open. There have to be boundaries right.

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Re: Raising Girls & Curfews

I have only boys so I'm prob not the best person to reply. But that aside, I think each child needs to earn the trust of the parent. If they take small steps and successfully adhere to desired behavior and morality then give them a little bit more. Keep a very close eye always but also give freedoms that are earned.

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Hmmm, I have 2 girls and I am not sure about some thing at this point as they are still very young, but even now if they want to play with some neighbor's kids I let them but give them a time limit. They are always OK with it because the fact that they were allowed is exciting enough. I know things change when they grow older but when I was growing up, my sister and I never felt the need to go out much. We did things together and if friends came over or we were invited, it was anyways during the afternoon time. Somehow it was always like that. Dunno why.

I am not much into sleepovers. I don't trust people these days. I will not allow my girls to sleep at a friends home.

SO yeah, there have to be boundaries.

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i think practicing equality in a household is very important. i always resented the fact that my brothers were given more trust when heading out, even though i was older, and way more responsible. in your teen years, it can feel like you're being throttled and i know i was unhappy about it for much longer than my teen years.

i think you should be very careful to never let your daughters feel like they are an inferior species and not to be trusted, just because of their gender. or that they cannot accomplish simple things like mall visits and trips with friends without supervision. i think you should teach your kids to watch out for each other (and not just brothers looking out for sisters, because as anyone with a brother can testify, boys can be morons too), regardless of gender. the stronger the bond between them, the better it is.

my cousins grew up with a lot of freedom, compared to what i had- they stayed out late, they had friends of both genders, they had sleepovers, trips to niagara falls, club nights, the works. they're really good kids. they've never rebelled because they've never had to or felt the need to- their parents taught them from the start, laid down the law in terms of boundaries and behaviour, and then trusted them to follow. of course they got into **** here and there, but what kid doesn't? its part of growing up, IMHO.

i think its as important for parents to be flexible about these things and to have faith in how they've raised their children, as it is for kids to recognise their freedoms and obey limits.
all in all, with my cousin's, their parents knew everything.
there is mA so much open communication in that household, that even if they got into trouble, they were always able to come home and confide in their parents and deal with their issues together as a family, rather than the kids hiding things and trying to figure them out on their own or with friends.

that is how i want to raise my children.
not with gender bias and limitations that discourage them to be open with me and their father. i believe there is nothing in this world that a mother and child cannot discuss, and chances are, you won't like half the things they tell you, but guess what- both of you will be better off knowing them, and discussing them, and working your way through them together.

in conclusion, if you have kids of both genders, make sure their curfews are the same. and if not, have a really good explanation for the ones left behind, because they'll want to hear it. and if you don't, your relationship will suffer for it.

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I agree very strongly with SGC that I will practice an equal approach with my children, regardless of gender. I also think Mo3 makes a good point when she says that each child has to earn trust individually, and that based on any problematic/habitual behaviors that come up, one child may have to have some stricter limits/more oversight for a time. But I would not base that on gender.

I wish our generation would begin breaking the practice of turning a blind eye to the boys' activities, while keeping girls under much more scrutiny. Both genders have equal responsibility in terms of protecting their chastity, making wise social choices, etc.

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Afro, my parents had quite an equal approach to raisiing my bro and us two daughters. I was never stopped from going out, having friends, or any of the sort.. but i naturally knew what was a good time to be home... and what was ok to do. I was never into clubs, although bro was... but we both turned out ok. My sister is the quieter one.. doesnt go out as much as the bro and i had..

the thing is, we knew our limits though... we were never told them outright that u have to be home this time or anything but we knew. Like, i knew what time my dad would start getting worried.. so i made sure i was home before then..

I am not sure how im gonna raise my daughter though. I would like to give her as much freedom as i was given.. and not to be the enforcing type. Dont think my hubz is like that either.. but obviously, we're a lil bit more protective of her cus she is a girl. And plus, i think times have changed. Back then, we didnt hear a lot about the bad stuff that was happening. Sexual abuse.. kids getting it on with one another below the age of 10... it was a lot more innocent back then. Now, its crazy!

and im with Niksik, im not cool with sleepovers. Unless its to her nano's house where there are other girls, id be cool. But where there maybe boy cousins... id think about it.

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my parents also dealt with me and my brothers equally. Like sadzzz, we didn't have a set curfew but we "knew our limits".. and all through my teenage years and a little after that too, we knew what to do and when to come home. We never felt like rebelling or that we didn't have enough freedom.

But I have to add that having an open and non-judgmental home environment is very important! Like for me, towards the end of my college years I was also working part time.. and everyone in my house seemed to think that I just had no time for them or that I was avoiding them on purpose even though I was either in class, at work, in the library, or studying at home. I would always make it a point to take out time for my family and sit with them or watch tv with them for a little while.. but for some reason, we kept getting into the same arguments every few weeks.. the arguments started getting very judgmental and it got to the point that anytime someone would talk to me it would be to point out things that are fundamentally wrong with me. Eventually I just didn't want to come home anymore and started staying out later and later.

So I think what SGC said about her cousins' family is exactly how it should be: kids should be able to come to the parents no matter what.. once you have that relationship, they'll know their limits, regardless of gender.

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as an aside:
sorry, sadzzz, but a) just because we didn't hear about it in the media, didn't mean it wasn't happening, and b) that kind of stuff is NEVER "innocent".

is it really more crazy these days or is it just a lot more publicized?

i'm curious, what drove you guys to "obey your limits"? you say you inherently knew, so was it fear of being yelled at, or were you concerned about your parents, or were you just going to sedate parties where it was easier to leave, or were you motivated religiously? i'm not being flippant, i'm just wondering, honestly.
because i know it takes an immense amount of self-control and presence to leave a really good party just when its getting started, and really, i don't know about pakistan, but at least in toronto, most clubs and even weekend home parties don't really get hopping until about 10.
and what about alcohol? was no one here tempted to try it? or pot? its so prevalent in culture here, anyone who was raised in north america surely knows how easy it is to get a hold of it. how do you school your children on those issues?

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I wonder and worry about the stuff you mentioned SGC. Me and the younger of my brother are only a year n 4 months apart. So went to all the same schools, just 1 grade different. Somehow he was tempted by a lot of stuff, but I wasn't. Trust me pot was easily available so was alcohol and many other things. I guess it was my parents teaching me right/wrong and me sticking to my guns. Not to say I was an angel, I tried the smoking thing..etc but it just wasn't me. Maybe by nature, maybe by parents fear dunno. That and the fact that after trying it was horrible, awful tasting and couldn't make sense why people do it. For me I had to struggle a little in getting my parents to go out and hang out, dinners, just chilling ...but my mom always had issues with it. It never made sense to me, but her thing was she trusted me completely 100%...BUT she doesn't trust others. She worried a lot that something/someone could harm me when out late & night. That I did agree....but did not see how going to say Red Lobster with 5 friends I was at risk of being harmed. Unfortunately she also didnt want me out late because "what woud others say if they saw me out late, people will talk"...etc.....that used to piss me off.

Timepass - November 2013
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Re: Raising Girls & Curfews

My parents did not set a specific strict curfew, nor did they differentiate between me and my brothers. My mom does not like the idea of any of us staying out late, but we do sometimes. None of us are crazy partiers. I'm pretty good about at least letting them know where I am and who I'm with. The boys are more careless. But still not getting into trouble.

I was not allowed to sleep over at school friends' houses. It was different with cousins. And other Muslim family friends who my parents knew very well. It was a big deal when I finished the Quran and Ammi Abbu let me invite my school friends for a sleep over at age 10. And that was at my own house! But I understand it, and I will probably be similarly strict.

Guys vs Gurlz
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My parents were pretty lenient with us (myself, my younger sister and older brother) but that doesn’t mean there were not any rules or guidelines whatsoever… they just really trusted us and since we were very young, the word “honesty” was instilled into us. Also, we’re all around the same age as well, so we pretty much had the same group of friends, so we’d have boys and girls come round our house for dinners, parties, hanging out etc. My parents always treated us equally to my brother and didn’t show any form of “i’m oblivious to what my son does, but my daughters are chained to their rooms”.

If we knew we would be out till late, we would tell our parents exactly where we’d be and who with. We were always up front and honest with our parents, thus we never had any reason to do anything stupid, because there was nothing (with regards to rules) to rebel against… and our freedom was definitely earned in incremental steps, not just given to us outright .

I don’t know how they did it, but they gave us the freedom to do what we wanted, so long as they knew where we were and who we were with. We always had a great, honest relationship with them where we could speak to them about anything, and what i found to be a real shame was that some of our friends felt more comfortable confiding in my parents about certain things than their own…

Regarding sleepovers: My parents were always a bit iffy about their children staying over at other people’s houses…and i never really saw the big deal about sleepovers but my younger sister would plead with them to let her stay over… i think she realised afte a while that it was for her own good…

And honestly, i wouldn’t let my children stay over at a friends house either.

Regarding recreational activities: I never dabbled in drugs or alcohol… never smoked either… but my brother, when we were teens, dared me to try one of our grandfathers cigars… being the idiot that i was, i did it, but i inhaled the smoke :smack: (which you’re not supposed to do with a cigar)… whilst i was coughing and spluttering, my brother was in fits of laughter on the floor…and i had a weird taste in my mouth for days that just would not go away…

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lol maroush, yeah thats what a cigarette did to me to...it was horrible. Never touched it again. Oh yeah 1 point I didnt make was that whenever I did go out, my mom knew who i was going with, where we were going, and about when we'd be back. Slowly she wasnt as uncomfy about it. She always maintained and I know she trusts me wholeheartedly because I never gave her a reason not to. But like I said she was worried what people would think if they saw me...and also about the crazy stories u hear about rapists...etc...attacking girls. I alleviated that usually with a few phone calls from cell phone....etc. Parents had rules for all 3 siblings, but just a bit more lenient with my brothers. I agree with being equal to all kids, that's what I inshallah plan to do with my kids. From experience I always used to resent that. I was the "good" kid who never even wanted to do anything crazy, just go out to eat/movies etc....but i still got some trouble over it. Whereas my brothers are a little more high strung, esp the younger one...and he eventually got away with it. If i had done exact same as them id be in more trouble. My eldest brother was just a goody 2 shoes...hehe.....he was no problem.

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no not at all... there was never a fear of getting yelled at. It was the fear of disappointing them. We lived in a smaller community back then... and i know a lot of the other kids my age did that kinda stuff, but it wasnt my thing. Just wasnt into it..

We hardly ever got yelled at for being late or things like that... but we knew if we did something wrong... we'd get that horrible silence and disappointment type of treatment.. which is sooo much worst.

I have NEVER been tempted to try alcohol. After seeing what it does to friends and the fact they have no hosh... makes me wanna stay away completely. But everyones different. Some see others actions and that refrains them... while others want to join in. Different school of thinknig

parties are the same everywhere... but i was never into that stuff.

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Re: Raising Girls & Curfews

Mahroush, i was raised exactly the same way as you!

My parents never had any major rules about what i couldnt do/could not do. Even if im going to come home at 3 in the morning, as long as i let them know when im back its ok ( as i live in uni accom away from home).

I was never ever allowed sleepovers, but was allowed to chill and i was never set a curfew but i myself was uncomfortable staying out late so i never did!

I have never tried alcohol, drugs or smoking, and even though i live away from home with loads of students i have never set foot in a club.

Its weird because i dont rememebr my parents saying you are not allowed to drink, you are not allowed to go clubbing..etc

For some reason i just know and even though i get the chance i chose not to.