Here’s how to help your child grow to be a caring person.
Parents sometimes feel overwhelmed when they confront the issue of raising their children. However, the on-going daily struggles with feeding, diaper changing, temper tantrums etc. aren’t really the main ‘worriers’. What concerns parents the most are the critical issues of how to steer their children into making correct and sound decisions that will affect their entire life, and how to help them understand the value of their own life and that of those around them; in essence, how to help them grow into caring, compassionate and conscientious individuals.
When it comes to raising a caring child, Dr. Nabil Ahmed, a psychiatrist in private and hospital practice in St.Petersburg, Florida, stresses that “as children are brought into this world needing to be taught everything, parents are their primary role models carrying that responsibility. Parents model for their children the hows and the whys of dealing with others. They don’t, however, have to worry about being ‘excellent’ role models; they just need to present their children with an attainable role model for the values and principles they themselves live by.” When asked about how to encourage kindness and empathy (to understand and care about other people’s feelings), and as a result raise a caring child, Dr. Ahmed made the following suggestions.
Show your child how to treat family members and others in a caring, considerate and polite way
It is important that the child see the love and caring that exists between his parents, even though they may disagree at times. “It may be frightening,” says Dr. Ahmed, “for a young child to see arguments between his parents, for example. Should this happen at any point, the parents have to explain to the child that people are allowed to have different opinions and may argue, but that does not mean that they don’t care for each other.” Dr. Ahmed also suggests that when parents go to visit grandparents or a sick relative, that they take the child with them so he can see how his parents care for other family members as well.
Children have to be taught politeness by saying please and thank you; kindness by sharing toys with other children instead of teasing them; and helpfulness towards others by helping a friend in need or a neighbor with carrying groceries, etc. A parent should also teach a child that he has to apologize when he has done something wrong and that saying ‘I’m sorry’ does not lessen his self-esteem as a human being. On the contrary, the child will learn that admitting his mistake is better, and that this happens to everyone.
Dr. Ahmed adds that this behavior can also be extended to people who are not immediate relatives or friends. For example, parents can teach their child to be kind to a beggar in the street instead of brushing him off, being polite to the bawwab (doorman), and treating the maid nicely. Some children treat people with a disability in a mean way, not realizing that this can hurt their feelings. One of the reasons could be that children don’t understand how or why they are disabled. Parents can explain to their child what kind of disability the person has, and teach him to treat the person with more consideration.
Develop your child’s sense of belonging and responsibility
Parents can also encourage their child to donate some of his toys to less fortunate children or to orphanages, to help take care of a family pet, or to give part of his allowance or clothing to the poor and needy. It is also very important that children treat those who offer services to the community such as the mailman, taxi driver, trash collector, etc., in a modest and humble way.
When a child is made to feel that he ‘belongs’ and is ‘part of a whole’, not just part of his family but also of the community, this gives him a sense of stability and security. When a child is then given the opportunity to help and be responsible both inside and outside of his home, he reaps the reward of being important to others. Once he feels the satisfaction of caring and being responsible for someone, he will become more compassionate and will develop a sense of caring and kindness towards others.
Teach your child to be thankful
“Recognizing and being thankful for what he has,” explains Dr. Ahmed, “is another essential point. Children will come to realize that other people may not have what they have.” For example, in the Holy month of Ramadan, the hunger that the child feels when he is fasting will remind him of the hunger that less fortunate or poor children live with day in and day out. The difference is that he will later have food to eat, whereas a less fortunate child may not always be so lucky. He may also have a new game or book that will keep him busy while he is fasting whereas again, a poor child may not have that same option.
Show your child how to express negative feelings such as anger or sadness
It is crucial for parents to show their children how to express not only their positive feelings, but also any negative feelings they have. For example, parents can try to teach their child how to express anger without having any major outbursts, or how to handle any sad moments with serenity instead of becoming depressed.
First of all, it is important for children to know that it is normal to have negative feelings. For example, when your child is sad explain to him that it’s normal to feel this way, and that you both need to sit together and discuss why he is sad and ways to make him feel better. This demonstrates caring and concern on the part of the parent; emotions that are ultimately “taught” to the child. When a father comes home from work irritated or annoyed and shouts at his child, he must apologize shortly afterwards, explain to his child that this was wrong, and offer an explanation, not an ‘excuse’, for his behavior. He could explain that there are problems at work that made him act this way. This will teach the child that he must try to control his anger so as not to hurt other people’s feelings, and that if he does act angrily, he should explain himself.
Parents should also point out that rudeness is not acceptable, and should teach their child that if someone is impolite to him, he shouldn’t respond by being rude. He should ignore the rude child to give him the message that this kind of behavior is unacceptable.
Explain your feelings and emotions to your child
“Explain to your child when you’re feeling happy, sad, hurt or worried,” says Dr. Ahmed. You can tell him something like ‘I am happy’ when he shares his toys with his friends, ‘I feel sad’ when a family member has moved away, ‘I feel hurt’ when he has said unkind words to you, or ‘I’m worried’ when his brother or sister is sick. With time, the child will understand what these feelings mean, how they affect him and those around him, and basically that they are all valid emotions that everyone has.
Treat your child with the same respect you treat others
“Be polite to your child [and] explain to him what you’re doing and why… for example, if a young child breaks a glass, don’t slap [his] hand and move away angrily, [instead] explain to him in simple language why what he did was not right,” says Dr. Ahmed. This way you are disciplining him with the respect he deserves, and the respect he will later treat others with.
It is also very important to emphasize the positive traits in your child by praising him and limiting criticism. According to Dr. Ahmed, “It’s usually very easy for [parents] to accentuate negative actions [but they also have to] point out the ‘good’ aspects to reinforce the positive action for the child. For example, sharing a toy with a friend is a large endeavor for a young child; therefore, it is important to compliment the child on doing this to accentuate and reinforce this sort of behavior.”
Most parents want their children to grow up to be kind and sensitive adults. Do not despair. With patience and care your child is capable of being kind. Remember that children learn how to be caring and compassionate, not only from seeing such behavior in those around them, but also by being cared for, valued and loved themselves. When a child is raised in a loving and caring atmosphere, he will grow to be a loving, considerate and thoughtful person.