I don't know if I would. If I had to I don't think I would mind. Even if I did mind, I probably would still live with them. They are my husband's responsibility just like I am.
My brother made it clear to my bhabhi that he will live with my parents being the only son, of course she will too. She had no problem with it, and MA they are all living very happily. Now that's some balance.
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I don't know if I would. If I had to I don't think I would mind. Even if I did mind, I probably would still live with them. They are my husband's responsibility just like I am. My brother made it clear to my bhabhi that he will live with my parents being the only son, of course she will too. She had no problem with it, and MA they are all living very happily. Now that's some balance.
Now according to some other posters, your brother was immature, inflexible to do that.
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Wow! Good to see you back Destinee. It’s been ages.
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If bhabi knew from the start and was fine with it no problem imo..
If a guy is dead-set on staying with his parents forever (regardless of age or health) he should make that clear at an early stage..
Personally I would say ‘no’ to living with inlaws unless there was an actual need.. I would happily live 5mins down the road from them or even next-door.. For me it would be mainly cos I find most don’t respect each others’ boundaries.. I remember when my sil lived with us (and that was just for a few months) my mum would sometimes go into their room without knocking (her reasoning was ‘why should I?’ 
) get irritated if they stayed out late in the evenings, make not-so-nice comments about how my sil dressed or if she wanted to change her hair or makeup style etc. There weren’t any ‘proper’ arguments (credit due to my sil lol), just the atmosphere wasn’t great.. In the end my dad actually asked them to move out..
It’s easy for sons to say ‘it’s no big deal’ when usually they’re making little or any sacrifice or effort in that situation.. In fact life often gets better for them.. halal intimacy without the extra responsibilities (and costs) that usually come with marriage..
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Everyone has responsibilities. Men and women. Those responsibilities do not just disappear - they are part of your life as long as you are alive and breathing. You're responsible for your bills, kids, spouse, parents, etc. This isn't new.
If you're mature enough for marriage, you are also mature enough to balance your wife and your parents. Otherwise, don't do it. When you get married, its not supposed to be a death sentence for the wife. She's supposed to have a life with her husband. You don't have to be unjust with one to be just with the other. Its not necessary.
My feelings exactly! Very well said!!!
Well too bad. He is the only son so he knows his responsibilities. Likewise my husband knows his. Do I always get along with my in-laws. No. Would I ever ask my husband to not live with them. No. Bhuray maa baap betay ke pass nahi raheen gaey to aur kahan rahaeen gaey.
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Now according to some other posters, your brother was immature, inflexible to do that.
Oh wow...this wasn't obvious at all. No wayyyy. You sly thing, you.
Anyway, to the topic and this post:
Again, its your approach to this that matters. Why would anyone in their right mind (in this day and age particularly) agree to a rishta that came off as rigid?
Things work out when ALL parties, inlaws, wife, husband, etc do their part. Taali do haat se bajti hai. Spiral's family situation is working because I am sure the people involved are doing what they need to do to keep the relationships healthy. And I never said living with inlaws was bad or cannot happen.
My point is simply that you cannot expect flexibility if you plan on being rigid with your views or approach. That much should be common sense.
If you approach someone with a smile, your chances of getting one back are high. If you don't, why would they?
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^
So what'd be the right way to put it(not come off as rigid)? Assuming you're the guy and you know not letting your parent/parents live with you is not an option.
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To those guys who want to stay with parents forever would you have to physically be living in your parents' home or could they come and live with you and your wife at some stage? I think where the wife and future kids are is also what some girls (inc me :D) have an issue with.. The dynamics change a lot when husband and wife actually own their own place..
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^ So what'd be the right way to put it(not come off as rigid)? Assuming you're the guy and you know not letting your parent/parents live with you is not an option.
Saeed, once you have an understanding with someone, you can tell them what your priorities are in life and what you aspire to achieve. If they care about you, they'll want to make sure you're happy.
But if from the get go, you put forth an ultimatum that in order to be with me, you *must *do this or be this way, then that throws people off because then they start thinking ok this is just the beginning, what other demands is this guy going to make in the future.
My parents once rejected an otherwise good proposal simply because his parents were making unreasonable demands right from the start:
First they wanted me to go to Pakistan for a few days just so they could see me in person and make sure I look like my pictures (because you know pics these days can be deceiving, what with photoshop and makeup use).
Secondly they wanted me to move to USA after marriage, even though the guy was not a US resident. Simply because his older brother owned a store there and they thought why invest in Canada when we can save money and have both brothers work in the same place. They didn't consider the legal complications of doing that or the fact that this kind of move would hurt my career. If the guy's parents were living in the States, I would have understood their reasoning that ok they want to keep the family together. But it was just his brother. So to me they were being inconsiderate and selfish, making comments like "larki rukhsat hoti hai, larka nahi."
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Again, its your approach to this that matters. Why would anyone in their right mind (in this day and age particularly) agree to a rishta that came off as rigid?
Things work out when ALL parties, inlaws, wife, husband, etc do their part. Taali do haat se bajti hai. Spiral's family situation is working because I am sure the people involved are doing what they need to do to keep the relationships healthy. And I never said living with inlaws was bad or cannot happen.
My point is simply that you cannot expect flexibility if you plan on being rigid with your views or approach. That much should be common sense.
If you approach someone with a smile, your chances of getting one back are high. If you don't, why would they?
So you would rather have a person not say it clearly right at the start, instead you wait for this information to come out later, and then get in all the larai jhagra AFTER getting married?
Like in spiral's brother case, he knew he had to live with his parents, that was his decision. you would've preferred that he hadn't done that..and then someone like you, who wouldn't want to live with in-laws, might misconstrue and then troubles happen later on...
one more question,
lets say, if you want to keep your job/career after marriage, or lets say, you want to keep supporting your parents financially after marriage, and you tell that to a prospective rishta....then by your own logic...you would come off as too rigid, and anyone in their ''right mind'' shouldn't accept you???
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I think that when entering into marriage, either by choice or arranged, both parties need to be up front and forthright on these expectations. There is absolutely nothing wrong with the joint family system **or **with a women continuing with her career and/or supporting her parents after marriage. The key is to lay it ALL out on the line prior to making the commitment.
I see a lot of parents looking for specific "types" or rishtas for their daughters (i.e. guys who are already living alone/seperate or families who are like minded in not having joint family living) for this very reason. They know what their daughters/sons are capable of accepting and won't entertain matches where they can forsee potential issues.
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I think that when entering into marriage, either by choice or arranged, both parties need to be up front and forthright on these expectations. There is absolutely nothing wrong with the joint family system **or **with a women continuing with her career and/or supporting her parents after marriage. The key is to lay it ALL out on the line prior to making the commitment.
I see a lot of parents looking for specific "types" or rishtas for their daughters (i.e. guys who are already living alone/seperate or families who are like minded in not having joint family living) for this very reason. They know what their daughters/sons are capable of accepting and won't entertain matches where they can forsee potential issues.
so in short, ''rigidity'' wouldn't turn you off?
its quite weird to say '' i don't have a problem with what you are saying,,,,i just don't like how you say it"...
I agree with khatti. Was going to post the same thing. As long as both the guy and the girl lay out their expectations before shadi, there shouldn't be any surprises. Of course sometimes when you are well aware of the expectations and it still doesn't work out, there should be some flexibility. I disagree that the guy shouldn't state what kind of setup he'll be living in.
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Saeed, once you have an understanding with someone, you can tell them what your priorities are in life and what you aspire to achieve. If they care about you, they'll want to make sure you're happy. But if from the get go, you put forth an ultimatum that in order to be with me, you *must *do this or be this way, then that throws people off because then they start thinking ok this is just the beginning, what other demands is this guy going to make in the future. My parents once rejected an otherwise good proposal simply because his parents were making unreasonable demands right from the start: First they wanted me to go to Pakistan for a few days just so they could see me in person and make sure I look like my pictures (because you know pics these days can be deceiving, what with photoshop and makeup use). Secondly they wanted me to move to USA after marriage, even though the guy was not a US resident. Simply because his older brother owned a store there and they thought why invest in Canada when we can save money and have both brothers work in the same place. They didn't consider the legal complications of doing that or the fact that this kind of move would hurt my career. If the guy's parents were living in the States, I would have understood their reasoning that ok they want to keep the family together. But it was just his brother. So to me they were being inconsiderate and selfish, making comments like "larki rukhsat hoti hai, larka nahi."
But as khatti said
[QUOTE]
I think that when entering into marriage, either by choice or arranged, both parties need to be up front and forthright on these expectations.
[/QUOTE]
Now where would you be if the guy's parents hadn't been upfront about their expectations, no matter how stupid they were.
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Saeed, once you have an understanding with someone, you can tell them what your priorities are in life and what you aspire to achieve. If they care about you, they'll want to make sure you're happy. But if from the get go, you put forth an ultimatum that in order to be with me, you *must *do this or be this way, then that throws people off because then they start thinking ok this is just the beginning, what other demands is this guy going to make in the future. My parents once rejected an otherwise good proposal simply because his parents were making unreasonable demands right from the start: First they wanted me to go to Pakistan for a few days just so they could see me in person and make sure I look like my pictures (because you know pics these days can be deceiving, what with photoshop and makeup use). Secondly they wanted me to move to USA after marriage, even though the guy was not a US resident. Simply because his older brother owned a store there and they thought why invest in Canada when we can save money and have both brothers work in the same place. They didn't consider the legal complications of doing that or the fact that this kind of move would hurt my career. If the guy's parents were living in the States, I would have understood their reasoning that ok they want to keep the family together. But it was just his brother. So to me they were being inconsiderate and selfish, making comments like "larki rukhsat hoti hai, larka nahi."
The answer to your post is above.
So you would rather have a person not say it clearly right at the start, instead you wait for this information to come out later, and then get in all the larai jhagra AFTER getting married? Like in spiral's brother case, he knew he had to live with his parents, that was his decision. you would've preferred that he hadn't done that..and then someone like you, who wouldn't want to live with in-laws, might misconstrue and then troubles happen later on...
one more question,
lets say, if you want to keep your job/career after marriage, or lets say, you want to keep supporting your parents financially after marriage, and you tell that to a prospective rishta....then by your own logic...you would come off as too rigid, and anyone in their ''right mind'' shouldn't accept you???
While I understand your perspective - you have to keep one thing in mind:
You will never have everything out in the open prior to marriage. It doesn't happen. How many commitments will you have from before? How many things will you get in writing? You have a long life ahead of you and let's say you do move out.
How long will your parents live alone? At some point, you WILL have to be there for them. Regardless of what kind of family you marry into parents become dependent.
If the person you're talking to doesn't have the "roll with the punches" type of attitude towards life - then you need to re-think your choice. Things change. Its called life. You plan for two kids and have three - what do you do? You have a great job and lose it...what do you do? You have parents that are independent and one day - they're not. What happens then?
My point about being flexible is not just for the men - its also for the women. If you think your husband will somehow keep his parents away from you for the rest of your lives - think again. It ain't happening.
Its unreasonable to think you'll have it all figured out before. You're in for a big surprise if that's the case.
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Not sure if it was unclear in my earlier post but when I said you need to get to know someone a little better and give them a chance to know about you before explaining your situation to them (and to not do so as a demand but in a polite way so there is room for discussion), I didn't mean to wait until after marriage to do so. What I meant was, this shouldn't be the first thing you ask the next party.
To me, personally, living in a joint family system or with the guy alone isn't a deal breaker. But to some people, it is a big deal. It all depends on what kind of lifestyle people want in their future and how flexible their personality is in making adjustments. If you talk to someone a few times and get a good vibe (like your personalities complement each other and you feel like you can love and respect them), ask them what kind of setup they would like after marriage. If the answer isn't what you were looking for, ask if they are flexible. If not, then move on.
However, let's suppose the couple moves out after marriage and later on at some point, one of the parents passes away. It would be unreasonable and ikhlaaqan ghalat hoga for the wife to still want the parent to live on their own (assuming no other siblings/caretaker).
So as Reha said, you can't foresee everything and people need to be flexible. Everyone needs to compromise for it to work. And if you truly care about your spouse's happiness, it shouldn't feel like a compromise.
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Does it bother anyone else that ladies in the title of this post is not spelled right? 
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Parents - don't mind...whole TABAR hell no...BU.. yes there is a but..sorry Nomi, IF the parents are healthy and have an independent life then I see no reason for the newly married son to keep his wife in his parents home. They should move out - if and when the parents need support then yes they should move in together.