My family is a little unique. Firstly I want to make clear that I love each and every one of my family member. But the thing is, we don’t really get along with each other. My parents are always fighting (ever since I can remember); My brother and I have always been a little formal around each other because of our many fights (over the years), we only speak when its neccessary. My brother and my Dad have their disagreements too. The only constant is that me and my brother both love our mom dearly (our father too, but more so our mom). The question is mainly about me and my brother; my mom has tried on numerous occasions to get us close to each other but it hasn’t worked. So my mom tells me that she feels broken inside and her heart cries out when she sees me and my brother on such negative terms. I don’t know what to do; I feel so depressed when I hear these things and I want to make things better but there is so much bitterness in our family. What do you guys feel I should do?
Re: Question for mothers or potential mothers
Start anew. Some times going away for a while and clearing one's thoughts helps too.
Try not to impose ur views or ideas on others, listen to them, even if you don't agree with them.
If there is a fight in the house, never take sides, instead tackle them both separately without trying to lay the blame on one party or the other, remember they might be parents for you but husband and wife for each other. Make sure your parents can count on you to discuss their troubles in private, once one has a shoulder to cry on and a sympathetic ear to turn too, they usually feel much better. That would also help relieve the tension in your house.
As for your brother try and do things together, like go bowling and sumthing with him, don't try to make an efort at forced conversation as it can be awkward, one the ice starts melting you both would feel that you would start automatically getting along. But don't try too hard.
I hope i helped a bit. And no I am not pregnant. :)
Re: Question for mothers or potential mothers
She probably feels like the conflict between you two is her fault, that she is a bad mother because you two can't get along.
My brothers and I get along very well, mashAllah. We're like good friends. But when we were younger and had even the slightest conflict, my mother would be horribly disappointed in us.
What to do? Well is there hope? What is the cause of the conflict between you two? Is this something you can put aside? Do you love your brother? Do you have common interests? Lifestyles?
Re: Question for mothers or potential mothers
sounds so much like the case with my family.... anil khan, i feel for u.
i'm 28 now... and nothin have changed. its downright depressing... thank god i've moved out after marriage.
i wud love to go out and do things with my siblings and juz be normal like other families. wud love to chat with them, turn to them for advice but they juz dun understand such feelings.
da only thing i'm able to do is be nice and respectful to everyone.
i miss having their support da most, and i hate growing up being afraid to fall cuz i know no one will be there to break my fall. even tdy i live in fear of falling flat on my face. its a nasty feeling.
yes its heartbreaking when u cant even turn to ur immediate family members when ur down. and its even more heartbreaking for a mother to see all this happening with her kids.
my advice, do wateva u can do for ur mom's sake. if nothin else.
Re: Question for mothers or potential mothers
What is the age difference between the two of you?
Re: Question for mothers or potential mothers
judging from your posts.. i think ure a bit of the dominating type who likes to get the last word in.... be a bit broad minded and let your brother just be.. find out where u are at fault and change ureself to better the relationship.. take baby steps and dont expect a miracle overnight... talk to ure brother too.. help him realize what he is doing wrong aswell....
us siblings are close enuff but im more closer to my younger bro.. the older one's mentality just doesnt gel with mine so there will always be ppl u cant bond with on a higher level but can simply just get along with.... if u 2 can be amicable and just talk like normal human beings, then good... ya maybe you wont have that "love him to death" kinda relationship.. but then THAT in itself isnt too bad either :)
Re: Question for mothers or potential mothers
I have two sisters, mostly i get along well with all my family. but as we grew up, we have different views and personalities, we do have arguments sometime, but the good thing is we forget it the next day. even i have made promise that I will not be the first to speak up, I just forget.
we all close to our mother, cause father in our teens has been very strict and also away from home for weeks due to his job. my mum now is more close to my elder sister than the younger one. I think we are close family even we dont live very close to each other now. we used to do things together, mostly everything. that had built a common feeling among us.
ANil khan, I think at this stage of life, problem I guess is difference of opion and trust, accepting others opinion and thinking about why they think different about something than you. judge people on basis of their own mind not according to yours.
start with something invloving whole family, have dinner out all family, cause I think doing something with only two at start will not be good idea.
just keep in mind, he has his own life, you have your, give space to eachother, difference of thoughts is fact of life and should be accepted. dont keep in mind just let it go, think about only positive.
Re: Question for mothers or potential mothers
Anil, i would suggest letting your brother know taht you are there for him by doing little things for him. Bringing him a small, informal present if you go on a trip for example, to let him know you were thinking about him. Or on the way home, picking his favorite chocolate or something equally small. I say start with small and move on to bigger things in life. Once the trust is there, the closeness and friendship will blossom InshaAllah.
And like someone said, your mother perhaps feels responsible for the distance between you and your brother. How old is your sibling anyways?
Re: Question for mothers or potential mothers
My brother's 25 and I'm 20.
The problem with my family is that all of us have ego and pride in us and no one's willing to bend. I've grown up in a tough house.
I guess everyone has some sort of problems wheather it be financial, children problems, education problems and I guess for me its family. No one can say they are without problems in life. I just thank Allah (swt) for all of his blessings and pray that inshAllah, one day my family gets inner peace and happiness.
Thanks for all the responses.
Re: Question for mothers or potential mothers
Move out.
Re: Question for mothers or potential mothers
Anil,
ur situation is no different than many. each one of us, esp. eldest do have differences with parents, as we grow older.
the main point is being rational when we tend to differ from our own parents.
siblings do learn from elder siblings, so setting a respect giving role model thru ourselves is really key here. try to introduce humor that does not get u into trouble nor should it sound like sarcasm, both to ur father and ur brother when they disagree.
build trust by once in a while, agreeing with ur father and letting him feel like ur father. same can be adapted by your father and both of ur selves may feel a sense of finding , at least in good faith trying, a non tense middle ground.
parents and siblings' relations are those which are unique.
they deserve to be dealt with, carefully, with respect. mutual understanding, once kids are grown ups themselves.
wishing u the best,
dush
Re: Question for mothers or potential mothers
I hope Allah will help relieve you of your troubles. Read your pm.
Re: Question for mothers or potential mothers
:( i just typed long message and it disappeared :(
Re: Question for mothers or potential mothers
Anil!
I had similar situation in our house few years back thats when i decided to change the entire structure. We were all drifting away from each other and growing in our own directions. I decided to make and i knew the change had to begin from me. I started to approach the sister who is younger then me. We use to fist fight, pull each other's hair, throw things, break each others stuff you name it we did it.
As time went by i decided to let it go and forgive her for whatever she said or did. I started to talk her via internet our conversations went from bashing each other out to loving each other. We talked about anything and everything and had a heart to heart conversation everytime we spoke.
Then i started to take her out on lunch and dinner and talked talked and talked. I didnt let her feel i was playing a role of psychologist or anything like that. I wanted to be her friend :~) and a sister at a same time. Every now and then she sends me a card appreciating me.. and i do the same..
she works only 20 hrs a week in college and this year bought me a $300 bracelet which was simply beautiful. I would have been with cards... I got two cards with the bracelet--- which were worth over 3 bilion dollars to me. This year inshallah we are throwing a huge surprise party for her. Shes works so hard in school mashallah has almost perfect GPA. She loves to hang out with her buddies and its time we let her have her fun since she will be 21 mashallah.
my lovely brother thinks he is the only smart man on earth he knows whats right and wrong and rest of us are simply stupid. With him it was different one day i took him out for lunch and i just started to talk to him. We talked about few friends here and there and then few other friends which i hate with passion. Oh well he is a boy and i want him to know that he can come to me when he needs something. I am the oldest one - i tried to play part of an elder sister and brother every now then :~). I usually take decisions for him since he hasnt matured enough to make wise ones on his own. Inshallah we plan on throwing a BBQ for him and his friends as a surprise after his graduation....
With my other sisters they are young. i would ask them to come and sit and we would start talking while watching TV.
I have noticed noone of us can communicate directly ... i can deal with indirect way :~)
it works.. try it...
i would just say take your brother out and just talk to him.. Man to a Man talk.... let him know you appreciate him. let him know what he means to you.. imagine a thought o fhim not being there in your life.... Let yoru emotions out... ask him for his advice give him the place for older brother....
Us Pakistanis dont really know how to let our emotions out. I let all of my siblings know i love them and care for them :~).
I would probably die if any one of my siblings were not there... they hold such a special place in my heart....
Re: Question for mothers or potential mothers
^ Nia thanks for the response. I don't think my brother and I could ever just go out to lunch and talk; it'd be too weird. Its hard to explain, I mean I do love him and all but I don't think I could be close with him like, mashAllah, you've become with your siblings.
You are right about how we're not able to express our emotions. For me, I can express my displeasure (for lack of a better word) or some thing to that effect; but I kinda have a tough time expressing my care for something or something that I like.
An example (I'm not sure why I'm revealing this but what the hell :) )
When I was in junior high (grade 7 to be exact) I met this girl who was absolutely beautiful; brown hair, blue eyes, and most importantly she was a good person (oh and Pakistani too :) ) So I told my friends about her and sure enough they went and told her soon after. She then approches me the next day and starts to make conversation but, having grown up in a conservative mahaul, I didn't really pursue the friendship. Throughout junior high and high school she would always smile at me and I would feel so awkward and embaressed. I guess I thought there would be a time and place for these things. So one year after graduation from high school, she comes on msn with the nick "I'm Married". I was speechless....still am.
Re: Question for mothers or potential mothers
^ Ouch
Tabhi i always say.. when you like someone you should let them know right away...To love someone is a beautiful thing but to be loved is absolutely AMAZING :~).... you literally feel you are flying in the air....
Anil- Before life passes by you make this change it will do good toyou only :~) Life is beautiful and having people who love you around you can make it a wonderful thing ... :~)
Re: Question for mothers or potential mothers
Did you at least msg her ???
Maybe she was trying to get ur attention
Re: Question for mothers or potential mothers
why were u speechless? did u expect her to get old and wrinkly dreaming of singing songs in a field of roses with the guy that never even pursued a friendship?
Re: Question for mothers or potential mothers
don’t listen to the touchy feely go-to-lunch suggestions of the girls here.. Go boxing with him.. nothing like a good all out fight to bring you closer… after a good whacking.. there’ d be no hostilities left inside of you.. :bash: 
Re: Question for mothers or potential mothers
I didn't expect an eighteen year old to get married (atleast not in the west). Ah well, naseeb may nahin tha. Although when she showed me the picture of the guy I thought she could of done a lot better.
Sara, yea I messaged her; said congratulations and wished her a happy married life.
But I tell you what, she had the potential to really change a family for the better. She would've been good for me and my family.
Khair, I think I'm getting too emotional, lol, and I don't think it suits me.
Once again, thanks for the responses. :)