Question about getting to know people

Lifestyle Relationships
1

I’ve discovered that I can’t be friends with everyone. None of the friends I’ve had up to now, were just like me.

Sure, some of them had one or a few things in common with me, like having the same interest in a book or a sport, so you can talk about something interesting. But none of my friends had my character. I think I could only truly feel comfortable with people who would have my character, so I would know that they would never tell lies against me or use me in one way or another, things like that. They don’t have to tell me everything about their lives, just not tell lies against me and don’t say they are my friends if in fact they don’t care about me.

I can’t find people with my kind of character. I can’t even find people around me who interest me. For example, nobody likes the kind of books I read, most people I know don’t even like reading books as much as I always have. Also other interests they have, are mostly boring for me. The topics they discuss, are mostly boring for me.

Only on internet I sometimes find people with a similar interest. I really enjoy their conversations, especially when I learn something new from them, some new fact or insight. But even when I do find people with a similar interest, they still don’t have my character.

I don’t want someone to be exactly like me, but I would like to be with people who do have my kind of character traits and with whom I can talk about something interesting. They probably don’t excist.

That means I have to be alone, because when I try to be with people who in fact bore me, they start to irritate me, annoy me.

So how do you get to know people? Sometimes you are in a situation that you still have to know them at least a bit, talk to them. Like if you work, there will always be boring people. You still have to talk to them about something. How do you find a topic that will still be even a bit interesting to you and to them, so you can talk at least about something? ( Please don’t say “the weather”)

What do you say and how do you keep yourself from being too bored with them?

2

It's not that I'm completely narrowminded. I do like to read about people who are completely different from me. I've watched documentaries about people who are completely different from.

I like to read about different kinds of culture. It can be very interesting and sometimes funny too, to read about or watch people who are completely different from myself.

But that's just movies and books and documentaries and stuff. I like to know something about topics which have nothing to do with my personal life at all. I can sometimes even like people and things completely different from me. So I'm not narrowminded I think.

It's just that, to really have friendships, I do want people of my kind of character. That's not narrowmindedness, is it?

3

Re: Question about getting to know people

i think everyone is different..no one is the same as another...that is the beauty of being a human being..what i like may not be what u like...i think its just being an idivudual with ur own thought, hobbies, interests and ambition.

and i know u sed u want someone who is similar to u maybe one other girl but we still have our differences....i havent found anyone similar to me...even my fiance isnt similar to me in fact he is the total opposite.

its also about age..when u are younger ur friends are usually school friends people in the same class etc. but as u get older u mature into different person with different ambitions. and also u want to talk about things which are deep rather than superficial

i understand what u mean when u say u run out of things to say. its difficult..i mean some people do have a relationship like that with others and they can talk for hours and hours.

and notorious i dont think u are narrow minded...but u have to accept u are different as is the next person...

Timepass- December 2012
Timepass- December 2012
4

Re: Question about getting to know people

Can you define for us what exactly you mean by "character"?

5

I guess so. Certain differences I could accept. But not someone with evil intentions.

I've had friends who told lies about me, they twisted my words into something I didn't say and they even made up things I never even said.

I don't want that again. So how do you know if someone has evil intentions?

And how do you find something to talk about when you don't have some similar interests as that other person? You could ask them about their culture or religion or whatever, but when that is all said, then what do you talk about after that?

6

Re: Question about getting to know people

...so by "character" you mean that you have no ill-will toward anyone, that you never speak ill of anyone and you want the same in return. That is a reasonable expectation to have of a friend and if you have not yet experienced this type of trust then you need to be more trusting. Even if you've been "burned" before, you will never find what you are seeking unless you're able to let go and trust again.

As far as what to talk about with one who doesnt share the same interests? Start by talking about the things that interest you and why those things interest you. Take it from there and also ask what are they interested in and why.

Perhaps one of the best topics for you to talk about is...this whole "character" thing. There is apparently much that you find to be "boring"...why not talk about and explore that a bit?

7

Someone who won't tell lies against friends.

I don't want people around me who say they want to be my friend, while in fact they don't. I've liked different kinds of people, even who made some mistakes, I told them how I felt about what they did, yet I could still be their friend. But when I really don't like a person, I never say I do like her/him.

I've had friends who argued with each other, than some of them said that I musn't see the person they had argued with anymore, while they were all my friends too and I personally did not have an argument with any of them. Yet, some of them wanted me to stop being friends with the one(s) they had argued with. I don't ever want friends like that again! If friends want to argue, it's their own choice, but I don't ever want to be dragged in the middle of their argument(s) again.

I don't want gossipers as friends. Sure, we all say something about someone sometimes. But I want people who at least try not to gossip and say something about other people as less as possible.

Sticky people. You know, people who come to you too often or who want you to come too often. Once in a while is enough. But I also don't like to be completely ignored. I would like to hear something at least once a year or once in two years.

8

Yes, that's what I mean. I've had negative experiences before and I'm so afraid now. I've realised today, that I haven't had any social life anymore in about 4-5 years. I know I should do something, but I'm so afraid nowadays about peoples intentions. I sometimes do try to trust people again, but then I become afraid again that I won't recognise someone with negative intentions.

That is a different way of talking to each other. Maybe I'll try it. I hope I won't end up boring the other person this time.

9

Communicating with other people can be so difficult. It's so much easier alone.

Maybe I will find a job where I won't have to talk to everyone, then I won't have problems finding something to say. People don't like it when you don't talk, but it's difficult to say something when you don't know what to say or when you're afraid you might insult someone!