( the lessons are not based on formulae or logic, and have been established solely on personal experience )
Lesson 1,
19th june, 1999.
** Offensive things to do on a FUNERAL **
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Tell the undertaker that he can’t close the coffin until you find your contact lens
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Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first
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Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.
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Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.
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Use the deceased’s tongue to lick a stamp.
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Ask the widow if you can have the body to practice tattooing on
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Put crazy Glue on the deceased’s lips just before the widow’s last kiss.
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Show up at the funeral services in a clown suit.
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If the widow cries, blow a trumpet every time she wipes her nose
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When no-one’s looking, slip plastic vampire-teeth into the deceased’s mouth.
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Toss a handful of cooked rice on the deceased and scream “MAGGOTS! MAGGOTS!” and pretend to faint
[This message has been edited by jewels of insignificance (edited June 19, 1999).]