First off all i would like to apologise if it isn’t understandable, because english is my third language.
I want some advice because me by myself don’t understand it anymore. I went to PK to marry. I am 29 years old and she is 25 a highly educated girl out of family. I did like here and we married. After the marriage i stayed there for 3 months. But since my marriage we are always fighting.
I had some bad experiences about how she easiely called her mother/father/brother to invite them and tell them how bad my behaviour was and never hers or if there were things then she immediatily tell her parents ore brother and afterwards when they did talk to me i knew. I told here many times but she doesn’t care and share here things with family.
It is like if we are fighting then she blames me or says she can’t do anything because it was here parents/brothers who didn’t behave well to me. But she was the one to inform them invite them and tell them the problems. I am hurt because of many things and if want to tell here that then she says it is past forget it ore she makes excuses. I never ever heard some things about she is wrong ore here parents didn’t behave well or here brothers. I can’t forget because i can forget if someone accepts the faults and gives me understandable answers. All i want is here to accept few things. But i have never ever heard from here that she is also fault in view things or here family. If it comes to that point then everytime she says is past forget it. She picks my things but here own things is because of me.
I did try each and everything in a peacefull manner. But she doesn’t listen makes excuses can’t accept a single fault of her and her family. How hard i try i get things bounced back. Even i wasn’t appreciated for the things i did for her. Not that the things i did say to her but she just say by herself what did u do for me and then if i say then she doesn’t appreciate.
I don’t know what to do. How can i behave to realize here that she also makes faults. It is not only my. How she can say i am sorry i didn’t respect u in front of my parents/brothers. It was my fault to tell each and every tlittle thing to them and invite them.
I do not share this things with friends so i searched on internet and found this forum. I really don’t know what to do now. I don’t want to divorce because it will bring me a bad name. Because every1 is going to say oh that is because he s from europe and that people are like that and i myself don’t want divorce. Because i actually love her. Are there tips/trics to make the relation work?
First of all, remove the word divorce from your vocabulary.
Second, admit that you haven't gain her confidence yet, so she runs to her family for every small problem. Maybe it's her immaturity too, but you can't mature her up overnight.
Third, understand that first couple of years of marriage are very tough, especially in the case of arrange marriage. But with some patience, you will get rewarded with a great peaceful life. It's coming your way inshallah.
Now here is how I would deal with this situation. Next time, just like she uses her family to pass her message to you, you use her family to pass message to her. Next time when they come to you with a complain, make them sit, and with a smile, let them know that you admit that you are not perfect, just like she is not perfect. You guys are in the process of understating each other, and you would appreciate hers and your own family to let you fight your own battles. Let them know that next time your wife has an issue, she should come to you first, and instead if you heard from them for the first time about an issue that your were not aware of, then you will not be in a position to entertain the complain.
On side note, girls please note it down. We (guys) dont like it when you share anything and everything with your sisters and ammi ji so try not to do it. It will make life easy for guys like visee
She is on GS but in my case indirect messages k zamana guzer gaya hai. Aab tu jo hota hai DIRECT hota hai baat ho ya bailan :)
that's good...aamne saamne se do do haath kar ke qissa tamaam kar dete haiN phir donoN shaam ke khaane ke liye baahar nikal paRte haiN...i mean...candle light romantic dinner in a upscale restaurant...
...maiN bhii aapke mashware par 'amal karuuNgaa...ek baar bas shaadii ho jaane deN! :D
Thanks for advice. How i can admite that i didn't win her confidence if she did do this from the first day? U have a point. She doesn't trust me she asks some things 10 times. If i tell here some things and she hears some others things from my friends then she believes them. That makes me furious maybe i am oldstyle guy but my thinking is believe me i am your husband i would never lie to you like i believe you and everything.
I will have patience thank a lot. I can't follow whole the advice as she is in PK and i am in other country.
I actually told here that if there are problems we have to sort it out and here family but she doesn't seems to understand.
Decent Chora, it is not don't share each and everything with here sister/mother, but the things we had ore i told here or the issues. It was good if she didn't share that. I don't know if i did make mistakes but i told here some very private things to here about my past but i thought i have to be honest and tell here and that that it is the past. Telling that things to here parents/brothers and then hearing it from them afterwards in not a good way did hurt me.
No, she is not on GS. I actually opened here a thread because telling this to my friends means i have problems with relationship and i don't know what they are going to think.
I don't know it anymore that's why opened a topic maybe just to write everything down. I know i have to solve it out by myself but thought maybe there is a magic behaviour to realise here that she also can make faults and that she only once tells me that some things she did were wrong. I am actually hurt when she did humiliate in front of here family and i by myself know there were many lies and things she did tell them they wanted to hear. She tries to be good to my parents and here parents even she has to lie but it seems she doesn't care about me.
By all means thanks for reacting to my thread. I know it s a strange topic. But i thought this is a pakistani forum and maybe there are some people who have the same experience and then we can share things and i'll get some good advice as i am in a position to avoid here.
OP, I think you meant to use the word "her" in your post instead of "here."
Do you admit your own faults/mistakes to your wife? Maybe you need to talk to her about this issue. Start off the discussion by telling her that you'd appreciate it if she did not share this with her parents and siblings as things become more complicated when many people get involved and husband and wife are supposed to be a garment or libaas for one another and this means that they cover and conceal each other...and not to expose each other to the respective families and the world. Explain this to her calmly. And then gently tell her that it becomes harder for you to get closure from past hurts when the other person (in this case her) does not acknowledge their mistakes or apologize....and that sometimes it can be ignored...but over time things add up and it clouds the heart and mind and perception of the person. Let's see what she says.
But at the same time, you'll have to develop a tougher skin OP...because in close relationships there should be some dar-guzar where you let things slide instead of expecting an apology for every single offense.
Its your naivety to think a woman will keep a secret. A woman that holds your secret is a rare thing. Your wife is not one. So accept her for what she is. Anything that happens between you two, assume that her mother, her sisters and all her best friends will know it by 1 pm next day. So if you don't want them to know, don't share it with her.
All these fights are just natural. Both of you are trying to adjust to a new life and it will take some time to find a balance. Be patient and don't say or do things that you might regret later in life.
Try to do those things which she likes and slowly gradually start conversation on selective points and share your feelings and likes and dislikes you c the change soon