Problem with husband's brothers wife...please HELP.

[pakistani123]

Re: Problem with husband’s brothers wife…please HELP.

@mistral

I get what you’re saying. I really do.

If everything is precisely as you’ve described it, then it really does suck because your PILs have an unfair view of things. But there is nothing you can do about it. You can’t force people to think a certain way. You can only take the high road, while still putting your foot down when it comes to issues of keeping your family safe. If your BIL is into some bad stuff, then obviously you don’t want to hang around too much because you have kids to consider.

Maintain a positive attitude, invite everybody to your place when you can, go over there if/when you’re invited, and pray that your PILs have a change of heart, and ignore any bad behavior coming your way (this can actually be amusing because if someone is behaving badly to sour your mood, keeping a cheerful face will drive the person LOONY because they are not succeeding…it’s fun…try it ;)). But also pray for sabr. Because here’s the unkind reality…they may never have a change of heart. Things don’t always get resolved. Real life isn’t like the movies where the lies are exposed and the bad guys get what’s coming. Sometimes the bad people continue on their merry way while the honest ones are going through difficulty after difficulty. Why this is only Allah SWT knows. And He will ALWAYS make sure that all of us get precisely what we deserve, in this life or the next.

So when you see your PILs try your hardest to steer your conversation away from this topic. Don’t get into an argument about it. If they start in on you, change the topic, say you don’t want to talk about it, or just end it with a simple “I’m sorry you feel that way but this is simply not true. Since we’re not going to reach an agreement, let’s talk about pleasant things.” If they keep going, politely leave. If they’re not going to change their minds about this whole situation, then at the very least, demonstrate to them that you’re not there to be a verbal punching bag. When they see their attempts at starting an argument just result in them getting less time with you, their son and their grand kids, they’ll at least shut up about it. That’s what a dear friend of mine did. She got stuck in the middle of this stupid drama where she was blamed for a lot of stuff by her family. Most of it was trivial crap, but boy did it cause a major rift. After being verbally pushed around a lot, she just cut down on communication…kept it to a polite minimum. Once they realized that the only way they would be able to see her was to stop talking crap…they stopped acting like infants in her presence. The matter was never resolved, unfortunately, but at least now my friend can see her relations without massive dramas erupting.

Hope that helps, even a little bit.

thankyou for your advice.. is was really useful…i really apppreciate your help..

just 2 more things i need ur advice on…

1. if I try to ignore her…i.e. dont invite her and dont visit her (cuz of the bad influence on kids)…then whenever my motherinlaw calls me from pakistan, she keeps asking me if I visited my jethani and whether she comes to mine…last time she called me she asked me if things were the same as last time when she went abroad…i.e.between me and jethani…i said that yes everything is the same…i.e. jethani doesnt come to mine and neither invites me and she wants to stay alone etc…then after hearing this my mother in law said a curse word in annoyance and just finished the topic. motherinlaw will be in pakistan for a while and will keep phoning me to ask about how im getting on with jethani etc and whether our kids meet each other etc…what should I tell her when she keeps starting this topic on the phone?

2. my PILs always restrict me…by always telling me I cant do certain things, cant go to certain places…should not meet my familyor stay with them…if they keep restricting me what should I do? should I just do what they say…or not do as they say (and cause tensions and problems etc.)?