Problem with husband's brothers wife...please HELP.

Lifestyle Relationships
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my problem:

my problem is my brother-in-laws wife (husbands brothers wife). she is so clever that she tries to be very good in front of my mother-in-law and when she is alone, her behaviour is very bad with me, my kids and my husband’s sister. its a very long story but i’ll try to shorten it:

shes from pakistan from a very bad village…

when my parent-in-laws were with us, she didnt cause any problems. however, they often go to pakistan etc. for some long trips. when my parent-in-laws are here, she acts to be very nice to me, my kids and my husbands sister. However, when they go abroad, she totally changes. She doesnt even talk to us or even invite us to her house (normally when my parent-in-laws are here she always invites everyone to her house)…she just tries to act to be good in front of them to impress them…but actually she is very cunning. my parent-in-laws say to me that she is very good and im not good like her…because she invites everyone to her house (i.e. to my parent-in-laws house because she lives with them)…she only invites everyone when they are here…when they are abroad she neither invites anyone or even goes to anyones house…its all fake.

i have told my parent-in-laws about this…that why does she behave differently infront of them and behaves different when they are not here. even my husbands sister has told her parents about this (shes married and lives in her own house). My parent-in-laws dont believe us and instead when we told them about her, they said some very bad things to me and my husbands sister (in front of my husbands brothers wife). she is very happy that my parents said bad things to us in front of her…

my mother-in-law has admitted that she likes my husbands brother the most from all her kids (even though he’s a criminal)…my mother-in-law therefore treats his wife better…she even likes their kids more than all their other grandchildren. even though the kids are so naughty, they still like them more.

my husbands brothers wife doesnt listen to what my mother-in-law says…still she likes her more.

After we discussed this topic with my parent-in-laws…they said that me and my husbands sister are wrong because we said that my husbands brothers wife is two-faced. they said that its impossible for someone to be two-faced. we meant that in front of them she is different and she is different behind their back but they dont believe this.

they then went abroad, and told us that this topic is finished…and that we should just ignore her if she does something we dont like. they said try to stay ok with her and even go to visit each other.

now my parent-in-laws are abroad. she is still acting the same way as she used to be before (i.e. she is ignoring us and being horrible with us). in fact she is even worse than before. she is ignoring me and my husbands sister…but she tries to hang out with my husbands older sister. she goes out with her everywhere…without inviting us with them. she doesnt come to our houses and doesnt invite us to hers (even though she used to invite us very often when my parent-in-laws were here -just to show them that shes good). I have told my parent-in-laws about this -that everything is still the same as last time…but they just said “do whatever you want”…they are still ok with her…but not the same with me and my husbands sister.

my kids cant play with their cousins (i,e, her kids)…because of her…i cant go to her house because she doesnt like us coming to her house…therefore they are suffering too.

I have always listened to whatever my parent-in-laws have told me and so has my husbands sister…but my parent-in-laws dont care about this. They said to us that they care about my husbands brothers wife more because her husband is not good with her and is not a good person.

me and my husbands sister are mentally stressed out about this. its not our fault that her husband is not ok with her…why are we suffering.

we cant see any solution…we cant even tell my parent-in-laws because they said this topic is finished. my parent-in-laws often keep things in their heart that they dont like …and then take it out on us after some months…in a bad way. maybe they will blame us for all this after some time when they come back. what should we do?

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Re: Problem with husband's brothers wife...please HELP.

What does your husband know about this?

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Re: Problem with husband's brothers wife...please HELP.

I'd like to introduce you to the terms "Jethani" and "devrani"...e.asier than typing "husbands brother's wife" every other sentence

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Re: Problem with husband's brothers wife...please HELP.

Here's a suggestion. Stop worrying about what your SIL is doing/not doing. Stop telling your parents in law (PILs) what she is/isn't doing. Stop worrying about what other people (yes, that includes your inlaws) think of you. You have no control over what others do or think. You can only control your thoughts and actions.

Instead, you be the better person*. *Invite ALL your inlaws over from time to time. If this one SIL refuses...well you did the right thing by making sure she was included. If/when she does invite you over when your PILs visit from abroad, go with a happy face and no expectations of another invite once the PILs leave. As for your children suffering because they can't visit with their cousins...not to be harsh, but they'll get over it. Children are champions at adjusting to just about every situation. They have other cousins and friends, I'm sure, and of course school and other activities to keep them busy. They'll be fine. There are kids out there who don't know what their parents look like. Be grateful your children have parents and relatives who love them and shower them with affection, even if one auntie ignores them.

And try to give her the benefit of the doubt. What you're describing really does sound bad, I agree...but just for a moment consider her motives. I'm assuming you live in the states, so you know the reality here of the sheer work involved in just living your life. Not only do many of us have full time jobs, we have spouses and children and elderly parents to take care of. We have houses to clean and meals to cook and the crazy, desi social life that for most women, involves at least one big daavat every month (or every other month) which can take days of grocery shopping, cleaning and cooking. Because we have no drivers here. No dhobis, no maasis, no help. We're the drivers and the dhobis and maasis. Now...add to this when relatives, especially PILs come to visit for months at a time from the motherland. Because they come from far away after a long time, most want their children with them constantly, hulla gulla almost 24/7, weekly family dinners, family trips, etc. And since the visits are at least a month (sometimes 3 to 4 times that), it's just constant work, work, work, especially for the women of the family. So once the PILs go home, the ladies are EXHAUSTED. Maybe they just want to relax at home (before the next round begins) and that could be why all the "togetherness" dies down for a while and there aren't as many dinner invites. So maybe there is a reason. Maybe she invites everybody over when the PILs are over, not to "look good" but because it's expedient. It's a good way to just invite everybody once and get things DONE instead of having multiple parties/dinners over the course of the year. Maybe she hangs out with the older sister more because she just "clicks" with her better. That happens. I love all my SILs to pieces but there's one I'm extra close to and spend more time with simply because we have similar ways of thinking and common interests. It doesn't mean I'm trying to exclude my other SILs.

Or maybe not. Maybe she's not the best person in the world and needs to improve.

But don't we all? So forget about her and everybody else. Worry about yourself. The rest you leave in the hands of Allah SWT.

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Re: Problem with husband's brothers wife...please HELP.

Get husband's brother's wife's mother involved in it, or husband's brother's wife's father at least. If that doesn't work, take your case to husband's brother's sister's mother in law or husband's brother's sister's sister in law. Keep us posted on how it goes.

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Re: Problem with husband's brothers wife...please HELP.

he knows....and tells me to just ignore her...but its hard to ignore...considering ihave to come facetoface with her often

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Re: Problem with husband's brothers wife...please HELP.

shes my jethani

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Re: Problem with husband's brothers wife...please HELP.

thanks for ur reply. my parents-in-law live here in UK with her....she tries her best to impress them.....however, if they go away for some time....she totally changes.....so why the "dikhawa"in front of my parent-in-laws

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Re: Problem with husband's brothers wife...please HELP.

You're kinda missing the point of my post. I don't know why the "dikhawa." You don't either. And you probably never will. And at the end of the day, you can't even say it is "dikhawa" because it isn't for you to judge someone else's actions. That's for Allah SWT to do. So what's the use of worrying yourself over it when there's nothing you can do about it, even if you do get the answer to your "why?"

Live your life and live it well. Stop worrying about what others are doing/thinking, otherwise, you're just going to make yourself very anxious and very bitter.

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Re: Problem with husband's brothers wife...please HELP.

i dont want to worry about it. but the problem is that her husband my mother-in-laws favourite...therefore so is his wife. even if they do wrong things nobody says anything to them. maybe because he has already been divorced twice and been with numerous other women without marriage....therefore my motherinlaw maybe doesnt want him.to get divorced.again thats why she never says anything to his wife.

the problem is when my motherinlaw comes back from pakistan she will blame me and my husbands sister for not staying in contact with my jethani or even visiting her even though shw doesnt even want us to come becuase she doesnt invite us. i just dont want my moterinlaw to blame us for what my jethani is doing. i think she gets away with everything because thwy live with her and dont.want to upset her.....but when shea wrong dont u think they should tell.her?

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Re: Problem with husband's brothers wife...please HELP.

Let me get this straight. The parents chose to believe their daughter in law over their own daughter? That I don't believe for a second.

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Re: Problem with husband’s brothers wife…please HELP.

With the rise of one idiotic made up troll type thread after another… Im lost as to whats real and whats not… Smehow majority of the OP have a form of pakistani as their nick…so that doy help either.

My reply?

A bg fat :hoonh:

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Re: Problem with husband's brothers wife...please HELP.

they do that. they say bad things to their daughter infront of my jethani. my husbands sisters husband was away for a few weeks so my husbands sister came to stay with my in-laws for that time. my jethani used to be horrible to her. if my husbands sister wanted to make milk for her baby in the kitchen then she used to keep standing in her way to irritate her and show that shes in control of the w hole house....even though its my parent-in-laws house.....she told them about this and that my jethani is two-face which resulted in a big argument. then my husbands sister came to stay with us....and my parent-in-laws were not bothered that their daughter had to come and stay with me just cuz of my jethani. my parent-in-laws said not to tell anyone about this....even my family. they also want me to cut off from my family....but they let my jethani meet her family and even stay at her brothers house....but i cant do the same.

they said bad things to me and my husbands sister in front of my jethani.

ps. this is a uneducated jahil type family....so maybe you will not understand their logic....

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Problem with husband's brothers wife...please HELP.

Perhaps you should keep your kids away from jaahil and criminal families. You dont want them influenced by such people.. Stay away..as much as you can.

Or... When your PIL are there, visit them often, and take full advantage of her 'niceness'. And when PIL are not there; Ignore her completely ..and invite the two sisters round regularly.. PIL will complain but they will do that anyway.

But dont stress it out.. Its really not worth it.. Esp if PIL are lacking common sense in the first place. Their actions are deliberate... And you cant change it unless they want tp.

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Re: Problem with husband's brothers wife...please HELP.

Get over her,don gv her too much attention if she doesn't mingle wid u no worries,u also keep a safe distance from her,be diplomatic,like she's been wid u infront of ur inlaws n stop,saying things abt her to ur inlaws jus act normally,by pointing towards her unusual behavior ppl might get u wrong cause she's not saying/showing her insight to anyone(nobdy will believe you either)..when she talks wid u infront of ur inlaws reply two times nicely then she does..be diplomatic!

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Re: Problem with husband's brothers wife...please HELP.

So she doesn't hang out with you. What is the big deal?

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Re: Problem with husband's brothers wife...please HELP.

So....you're itching because your jethani, who you dont like at all, does not invite you to her house?

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Re: Problem with husband's brothers wife...please HELP.

ur right...

if I invite the two sisters and not her then my parent-in-laws will say very horrible and hurtful things to me....like im the one whos causing problems....problem is we live very geographically close too....jethani used to talk so badly about my husbands older sister but now she has made an association with her......shes trying to make her against us too..

she has even made my mother-in-law against other relatives too.she talks so badly about my husbands aunties/uncles/relatives....and has made my mother-in-law even cut off from mother-in-laws sisters....by making up lies about her....why doesnt my mother-in-law see this side of her?

shes from some paindu, witchcraft, jahil type village.... and always one step ahead of everyone else...

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Re: Problem with husband's brothers wife...please HELP.

^THIS u will be better off in the long run!

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Problem with husband's brothers wife...please HELP.

Pil are doing that already... So it wont make any difference. They have made their mind up.. And chosen her for reasons you know already, not much you can do will change that.

She is weaving a web of lies around her, and it wont be long when PIL will catch on and realise what she is. Just bide your time and do what you have to do until then..i.e. visit/invite..