problem with a friend...

Lifestyle Relationships
1

I have a friend, who is from Surinam. We are pretty close, like sisters.
But she’s been seeing this one guy, also from Surinam, problem is she is muslim andhe is hindu. And they want to get married.

I used ot support her. I used to say only love counts and if she loves him, she cuold marry him. Well, I’ve been reading all these fatwa’s about marrying outside Islam. And I just don’t know how to tell her it’s wrong. I used ot support her always, I was always on her side. But now I feel bad about that, it’s so wrong! She herself is more a muslim of name, she does nothing at all religiously, so to her it doesn’t make much difference. But I’m feeling bad about it. I haven’t even dared to call her because of this now. I don’t want to hurt her, she’s the sweetest person in the world. She has stood by me no matter what. I’ve been in terrible trouble and she was always there. I feel like a traitor if I don’t support her! But on the other hand, this feels so wrong! How do I tell her it’s wrong, I mean she does know the rules, that muslims women aren’t supposed to marry non-muslims. Her paretns dont’ seem to like that guy much either.

But I wonder if it would have any effect on her if I would talk to her? Because she doesn’t have taqwa in her heart. She is the sweetest person in the world, she has a heart of Gold. She does believe in God, but seh thinks we all pray to the same God in the end and it doesn’t really matter what way you pray. She once even said she’s willing to accept Hindu faith for him. So I don’t know if it would matter to her at all, I don’t think so.

Still I feel so st range now to be with her. Would I hurt her if I would tell her now about my feelings? I think it would. She always has been there for me. I know her family won’t like this and she will need all teh support she can get. Would it be a sin to stand by her in these hard times? I don’t even know if I could bring myself to support her in this decision now! It feels so wrong. Í’m stuck both ways, it feels wrong to no t supprot her, it would be like betraying her, because she is more than family to me, but on the other hand, wouldn’t I be sinning if I would support her decision?

2

get rid of your hangups and congratulate your friend on this important turn in her life.

3

I am always of the opinion that if someone wants to marry outside one's religion, he/she are either (1) confident about their own belief and relationship with the other person & probably had it all worked out how their marital life will work out. (2) they are ethnically religious and religion probably has no meaning in their life.

In either of the above two cases it's no use trying to tell them about the Fatwas. You can talk to them showing your concerns related to an inter-faith marriage but that's about it.

I say, let them get married and if you are so concerned that they should turn to Islam then why not preach them both? Aik teer say dou shikar!

4

Ok! So u were supportive and as time passed u read some fatwas etc and became more religious and now you feel, it ain't right .. whatever your friend is about to do. Well .. first of all I don't find anything wrong in a person marrying someone who is not from the same faith as em. I mean what cud possibly be wrong in loving another human being.

Anyways .. u seem to be caught in a dilemma. I would say .. if you try to change her mind now or you try to oppose her decision, she is gonna be hurt for sure. First of all she isn't religious herself and she loves the guy .. whatever you say now, isn't going to make sense to her .. on the contrary it will just frustrate her and make her angry. So.. your trying to show her the "right path" isn't going to be helpful .. and it might just sour the relationship between you two.

I would say, be what u have been to her so far .. supportive that is.

5

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by PakistaniAbroad: *
get rid of your hangups and congratulate your friend on this important turn in her life.
[/QUOTE]

I already have, months ago, when they got (secretly) engaged.
We've been talking about the family's reaction, and I kept telling her to hold on, listen to her heart, bla bla.

Now I wish I could only have said congratulations, and nothing more...

6

That’s also a problem, you see, I’ve been teh cause of my problems myself. I wasn’t super religious before myself! Lot happened, I blamed Allah, while the problem was me myself all along! I ahd lost faith myself and then teh problems increased. But she, she never lost faith in me and always believed me and always stood by me.

Anyway, I feel I couldn’t really ‘lecture’ them, since I myself am so full of faults! I feel so ackward telling her that this or that is wrong behaviour, while I myself was full of faults. CAn you imagine a person worse than one blaming God for his/her problems? She always knew that, and it would be so strange to tell her now my changed feelings. I don’t know if she would listen to someone like me, who almost lost faith myself. Or maybe I’m making it too complicated again. :frusty:

7

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by Chandbeti: *

So.. your trying to show her the "right path" isn't going to be helpful .. and it might just sour the relationship between you two.

I would say, be what u have been to her so far .. supportive that is.
[/QUOTE]

That's what I've been wondering too, if it would break us or make our realtionship bad if I would tell her how I really feel about htis.

I guess you're right, mabye I should just support her and stay out of it.
I keep thinking maybe what I 'm doing is still wrong after all, lol, I never know what to do when it's me, I can tell anyone else, but I never know myself what to do in such situations...

8

Perhaps I should go to Oprah and ask dr. Phil's help....lol...

9

Re: problem with a friend...

www.islam-qa.com
check this site for some good answers

10

Sadya,

My sister’s best friend was in the same situation as yours except that her boyfriend(he was hindu) was going to convert to Islam and he said, he’ll do it when he thinks he’s “ready for it”. Guess what, my sister at first supported her best friend but after a while she felt guilty of not showing her the right path so she then talked to her friend but as expected she got deeply hurt and felt that my sister doesn’t think their relationship will work out. She kinda stop talking to my sister.

We came to know that they broke up after like 4 years because the guy couldn’t make himself to convert to Islam because as much as they respected each other’s religion the guy finally realized they had totally different lifestyles which would make it impossible for them to stay with each other.

Right now, my best friend is in the same postion. She’s a smailie and her boyfriend is sunni Muslim. I have talked to her a lot of times and explained to her that even though, they think religion is not that important in their life sooner or later it will cause problems in their relationship(arguments, different lifestyle, different beliefs) and it might be very difficult for them to stay together and she did agree with me. I explained to her that right now they might be able to stay together without major conflicts arising in their relationship but right when they have their children, they will realize that both of them will want to teach their own beliefs to the their kid(s) and it will cause more problems than they think. She agreed with all I said but as she’s very involved in this guy so she says no matter what happens she will marry this guy.

Sadya, I think you should try to explain this to your friend too; don’t force her though just try to explain. If she gets hurt, that’s okay. You’re telling her to do the right thing, there’s nothing wrong in it! If later, their relationship doesn’t work out then she’ll realize that you did try to show her the right direction and she’ll thank you for it. You’ll also feel that you did what you were suppose to do. Well if she doesn’t listen to you then it’s fine also. Just pray for her that she doesn’t get hurt from doing what she’s doing…Just hope they grow out of it and neither of them get hurt…:flower1:

ps.

I think I wrote too much…sorry for boring you…:o

11

Re: problem with a friend...

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by sadya: *
And I just don't know how to tell her it's wrong. .......it's so wrong! ...But I'm feeling bad about it. I haven't even dared to call her because of this now. ...this feels so wrong! How do I tell her it's wrong...

So I don't know if it would matter to her at all, I don't think so.

Would I hurt her if I would tell her now about my feelings? I don't even know if I could bring myself to support her in this decision now! It feels so wrong.
[/QUOTE]

I'm going to tell you my opinion from a different perspective not really mentioned here.

First of all, its very obvious that YOU feel what she is doing is wrong. I am also of the opinion that it is not correct islamically speaking, but I wont get into the Islam part of the issue.

Secondly, if you are a good friend of someone, you should not be forced to lie to them just to make them happy. Which is what you would be doing if you told her you supported her. You dont. And why should you have to lie to her just because it wouldnt be pleasing to her? Do your friends prefer that you lie to them? My friends do not.

If some muslim friends of mine went out drinking alcohol, and asked me to join them and agree that its a mighty fine thing to do, I would flatly refuse them. I dont care if they are going to call me a party pooper, because I believe its wrong, and they cant convince me otherwise. And I dont want them to use me by saying I should come along so that nobody will get hurt. No, they will remain my friends, and if they are unable to drive back home, I expect them to get a cab, or call me after all the fun is over, so that I can bring them home if they cant drive.

Anyway, my point is, you dont support her in this decision, and as a friend, you should be able to tell her you dont support her, and show her any evidences you have, whether she pays attention or not is her decision. You can still remain friends with her, unless you believe you should only be friends with people you 100% agree with all the time. Which I dont believe you or anyone else here does.

You will be responsible for your actions, she will not be responsible for you, nor will she at that time take responsibility even if you want to give it to her. You should be happy with the decision you made, and your friends should still remain your friends, if they are true friends, even if you did not approve of some of their actions.

This doesnt mean the guy isnt a nice guy, nor does it mean they cant be happily married. It just means that you feel what they are doing is not right, and you have the right to tell her whats on your mind. Just as she has the right to ignore your advice and marry him regardless.

Feel free to disagree with me, but this is my opinion. smile

12

S H I K E S

very sticky situation!!! :bummer:

yaar its really tough to give advice without knowing the background and future plans of your friend and that guy…

at the end of the day i do believe that love conquers all…and its between a person and Allah…

but

converting to hinduism is like a MAJOR MAJOR MAJOR SIN its like an UNFORGIVABLE sin…

but i can also understand how she feels…

shikes…

i think you should tell your friend that you love her and at the end of the day will always be her friend no matter what but you can’t see her sliding into a ditch like that and you really feel like you must warn her about this…

coz think abt it, its also ur place to do it being her close friend, if u dont say it then who will? so atleast convey this to her…

try to convince her gently for some time…but if she doesn’t get convinced you can’t force her…

try upto a point…gently and persistently…but dont be too persistent…to try to convince her to make the guy convert…coz that seems like the only option to me if she wants to stay with him…

but if it doesn’t work then just drop it and let go and leave it…

Allah will judge them…who knows how they will be judged…positively or negatively…

u r not being a traitor though…cuz u r doing this out of care for her…so dont feel bad…

13

If you don't tell her how you feel now you'll regret it later, and besides it'll benefit your friend in the long run...and she shouldn't get upset so don't worry about that.

14

Actually the problem starts right at the title. The problem is not with your friend. Apparently she is very happy. The problem is with you?

Your myopic thinking and butting in where it doesn't belong is going to cause consternation not only for your friend but will ultimately cost you a friendship. Now, unless the book says you shouldn't have non-muslim friends, then you are just meddling where it is none of your business. If it does say that, then you should kill yourself for ever having a hindu friend. You are screwed either way. I feel so bad for you. :(

15

Matsui uncle..couldn’t agree with u more..:k:

16

CorruptAngel, no you're not boring me at all, in fact, thank you for sharing your sister's friends story. It's very helpful to hear about soemone elses similar experience.

Munni, I guess you're right, I can't lie toher either. I just don't want to hur ther, or see her get hurt! But that's a good point, yes, it 's true, I AM responsible for MY actions. I will have to anser for my own deeds.

Niqabi, that's one of the hardest things, to tell her. I don't know if I can convince her, especially since I'm not perfect myself. But when I tink about it, maybe I should tell her, gently, show her the fatwa's. And then drop the subject.

samina mm, yes, I think I would regret it, if I wouldn't tell her. But maybe I would also regret if I would.

I keep doubting myself! But I'm thinking more and more, maybe I should tell her, gently, I am not going to stop supproting her, she will need all the support she can get, because her family won't be too happy with this! So I'm going to standby her, I can't jsut drop her like that! Not after the way she suppported me! She has been a true sister to me. I feel it would be bad if I would let her down.

Don't feel bad for me Matsui, feel bad for my friend. Her fiance's family doesn't mind, but her own family is giving her a hard time. She todl her parents only at this stage. She's been getting speeches, her parents, especially her DAd is shocked. It's not easy right now for her, and I'm afraid it will get worse wehn they will anounce it.
If you would see your friend doing someting that you know is not good for your friend, wouldn't you be concerned too? You care for your friend, and you want to help, would that be meddling?

I'm not sure myself how far I should go, but since we are like sisters, I think I should be honest to her instead of polite silence.

tanha, that's a good idea, I'm just going to check that website and see what they say. Should have thought of that before!

Thanks fo rhte advice, everyone.

17

okay i dont support inter faith marriages mainly because i wudnt want that for myself. but i have seen such marriages which are pretty successful. i guess it all depends on individual and their level of comfy with this issue. i'd say if she is happy, congratulate her. its not U who is getting married and i believe ur friend is old enuf to know whats good for her so let it be and be happy for her.

18

No, I feel bad for you. Apparently your friend has no issues but you do. I would recommend you see a psychiatrist. Preferably a muslim one, otherwise you might hastten your drive to hell.

19

There are consequences for opening your mouth, but you are entitled to your opinion. If I were you sadya, just be a friend and stick to her side. She needs all the support she can get instead of people towering down on her. If you truely are her best friend or sister then tell her how you feel about this relationship but emphasize that you will stick by her no matter what....atleast she knows then where you stand.