I’d really appreciate some serious replies to this issue. This is a relationship related problem and for the purposes of this post, let’s call the 2 people involved in this John and Susan.
John and Susan have been good friends for almost a year…they started dating on New Years Eve. They’re having little bumps in the relationship but it’s nothing that can not be worked out. John’s not perfect…no one is(including Susan herself)…and Susan feels that despite his little imperfections, overall John is a “good catch”.
Here’s the most recent “problem” that actually just happened last night. Susan is a VERY private person. She told John something about herself months ago(let’s just say it’s immigration related) and told him not to tell anyone about it. It’s nothing earth shattering, but it’s still something Susan is very sensitive about. Now Susan just found out last night that John told Susan’s “secret” to a guy that he’s VERY good friends with and with whom both John and Susan hang out with almost daily. Now Susan suspected this 3rd guy knew about her secret last week but she brought it up last night and John admitted he did tell his friend b/c he “needed advice”. BUT John refused to tell Susan when he told his friend about Susan’s “secret” or exactly why. Afterward Susan was VERY upset(in tears) and asked John specific names of other friends of his and whether or not they know. John answered “no” to all of their names…and then Susan asked whether or not John told his mother about it. John refused to even answer Susan when she asked whether or not he had told his mother…he didn’t say “yes” or “no”. So being how paranoid Susan is at this point, she thinks he told his mom.
Weeks ago John told Susan that he told Susan’s “secret” to a friend of his at work…and Susan didn’t have any problem with it. sigh Susan is upset that John told the friend that they hang out with almost daily because in her mind, she FEELS that he sees her different. Even though this friend has done nothing to make her feel different, in fact, he never even hinted that he knew her “secret”. The ONLY reason Susan suspected last week is because while they were hanging out, JOHN made a comment that made her suspicious that this guy knew it. Susan wasn’t upset when John told his friend at work b/c Susan has never met this friend and probably won’t anytime soon. Does any of this make any sense?
Now please keep in mind that John did apologize quite a few times last night and did his best to comfort Susan when she was crying her eyes out. Susan does realize and believe that John’s intentions weren’t bad and that he never would’ve shared it if he realized just how upset it would’ve made her. And this friend that John told the secret to, he doesn’t treat Susan any differently than he treats other people. John’s mom knows they’re dating and Susan met John’s mom once months ago and was treated very well by her. As far as Susan knows, his mom likes her.
Ever since last night and even this morning, now Susan feels confused, and frustrated. She knows that John is very open about his life. Yet she’s very private. Now she keeps thinking whether or not he’s going to share other “private/intimate” details of their lives with other people. She keeps thinking that maybe she should stop sharing her private feelings/views etc. with John and in that way, they’ll never face this problem again. She doesn’t want to argue with him again about this, she doesn’t want to lose him, yet at the same time, she doesn’t want to feel betrayed. Susan is in her mid 20’s, and John is in his early 30’s.
This is Susan’s very first “relationship” so she’s not sure how to handle some of these issues. She has dated other guys before but they treated her really bad. Since everything else is going relatively well with John so far, Susan doesn’t want this issue to break them apart.
How does Susan stop herself from being so paranoid? Should she bring up the topic again with John today even though he has sincerely apologized to her alot last night? If so, how does she bring it up without putting him on the defensive or causing argument? John always tells Susan how beautiful she is, how happy she makes him, how much he cares about her etc. etc. etc. Yet because of past experiences, Susan feels insecure and has a very hard time trusting him. BTW, last time Susan dated a guy was over a year ago so it’s not like Susan hasn’t had time to get over it. How do you make yourself feel secure in a relationship when you’ve been treated like crap in the past?
). Tell her to have a chat with her new boyfriend and just let him know that there are certain things she wants to be kept private. 