Is girls dysfunctional & complicated family a deal breaker for guys? If a girl choose to share some inside details about her family, would that push guys away from doing rishta with her? Lets say they have been talking for a while now & girl is comfortable to share & thought guy is mature enough to understand.
I have seen desis pretending to be normal who have complicated & dysfunctional families when doing rishtas. Do you think thats wise approach? Dont you think thats lying & deceiving others just to make things work? All families have issues & not everyone has to know whats going on. Its all about being honest but some people are like better dont share as too much honesty would backfire & pretending everything is normal in the family until things are done would be mature thing to do. Like just mentioning the positive side & hiding the negative side when questions are being asked by the guy.
Now there is this girl who recently got married as she hid things from her husband even though she has been into this relationship for years. She was molested by her father when she was a teenager & after that she tried as much as she can to avoid her father not to come in front of him & tried to have less interaction. Most of her friends suggested her not to share this & keep your mouth shut. Do you think if she shared this info, it would have backfired & such details shouldnt be shared?
Another girl who met this awesome guy & everything was going smooth until she told his boyfriend that her father is a pedophile. Guy was serious but lost all his interest in her the moment he got to know this detail & he said my reason to back off is that I dont want my kids to be around such person as its not safe. If only she hid this detail then it would have worked for her but honesty backfired.
Do you guys think hiding is a way to go these days, pretending everything is all goody goody as honesty might backfire? Or do you think guys are being shallow & immature by not understanding girls situation, hiding or not hiding details, because its their families at fault not them ?
I suppose it would depend on the severity of the “dysfunction.”
Pedophilia is a serious and heinous thing so in that specific situation I honestly can’t blame the guy. I think the shallowness comes in to play when it is an issue that is less pernicious i.e. an aunt who is bipolar or a sister who funked out of college or a parent that maybe works at a service industry job. None of those things should be deal breakers IF all other things are well in my opinion.
Let’s say the girl were to stay mum about her dad being a pedophile until after the marriage takes place…but before having a child. Those that advise this route would do so with the logic that a marriage would cement the bond better than anything that is only premarital, thus making it harder (hopefully) for either partner to walk out. But even that doesn’t come with a 100% guarantee. I’ve heard of marriages breaking down over far lesser disclosures. And if she were to never tell him at all, then I’m not sure how you can hide this from your spouse. She’d have to be really vigilant with her child when grandpa is around and it’s harder when you only have one pair of parental eyes keeping watch. Plus the husband is bound to notice his wife’s hesitation in letting grandpa interact with the child and unless he’s really clueless…it’s bound to make him suspicious. Given how sensitive Desi culture (and rishta scene) is with such matters, this is a really tricky situation.
As for the previous situation with the girl that was molested by her father as a teenager…you had asked if disclosing this would backfire on her. I don’t think anyone can tell you with certainty as to how her boyfriend would react…as to whether he’d stay or call it quits. Has the girl’s father shown remorse for his actions? Has he changed at all? That’s something that the girl would know better about. Is it something that she feels that she has come out of and moved on from…or that she’s still struggling with psychologically…and does she think that her past will affect her equation with her husband. These questions need to be looked at as well and may factor into her decision of whether or not she should disclose this.
As said above, it depends upon the severity of the dysfunctional behavior and how much of a bearing it will have on the potential marriage.
The guy had valid reasons but he shouldn’t have dumped her, it’s not her fault that she’s a victim. All he had to do was keep a distance from her dad and not let their kids meet him too often. Her dad is a predator among others, at least he knows what kind of person he is so he can protect his kids.
I think, I would have a hard time going through the rishta in both cases. Unless the girl were ready to break up with her father completely. I mean who wants such arseholes to be around them. At the same time I guess if these things did come to surface later, and are bound to come to surface later, it could be disastrous as well.
This thread and then see this news clipping circulating on WhatsApp that in Faisalabad, 6 people call the estranged son in law home and gang rape him. lol
There is this family where father drinks & gambles. Mother managed to find a pretty good rishta for her daughter & hid stuff about her husband. Things were going fine but guys family did investigation & they found out about all this from some outsider & they called off the rishta saying we are respectable people & cant marry our son in such a family… there are so many examples . For some lying & hiding worked while for some didnt.
The other day I was watching this interview of Juggan Kazim, Pakistani actress, where she mentioned how her ex husband was abusive to her. That poor thing went through alot. But later in her life she found a decent enough guy who wasn’t shallow & immature. Point is, he didnt say that look you are divorced & you went through abuse half your life so you are not emotionally & physically healthy enough to give me a child & raise it too. But such people only exist in minority, majority seems messed up. If it was some typical desi guy then he would be like she has abusive history & what she went through might have taken a toll on her mental, emotional & physical health so its a big no no as I can go & look for perfection elsewhere. Juggan Kazim has a career & a well functioning family now MashaAllah.
I dont get this concept of lying & faking. Sometimes I think you cant blame such people either they are doing this just out of majboori to make things work for them if family issues are not that severe. But then you also find such families where they lie about big things like guys job, education, marital status & what not & ruin others life.
If only desis stop being this shallow & stop looking for perfection then no one has to fake anything.
Juggan Kazmi had a divorce and ex would not be in her life. Father of the girl is a totally different ball game. Unless as I mentioned, she is willing to cut him off her life. If a person doesn?t want to do anything with a pedophile, that?s not looking for perfection.
I have an aunt in Pakistan whose husband (when he was alive) couldn’t hold down a job because he was addicted to something or the other. But Alhumdolillah she got 3 of her kids married into good families. I’ve a friend here who married a guy who has a dysfunctional family dynamics and even though they were advised/warned not do a rishta there, they guy won their their trust and she’s happily married with kids.
Point is …If the issues come to light during the rishta process and if the guy/girl walks away, then let them go. They’re doing you a favor. What are the chances that they would have stuck around AFTER the marriage when kids enter the picture and there’s more at stake? Premarital breakups are less painful than a divorce. Having iman in Allah’s plan is easier said than done, I admit. Sometimes you wonder if there’s any hope at all. And I’ve been there. But if it’s written in your qismat/naseeb to get married…then you will…to whenever and whomever it is that you’re meant to be with. The person who walked away was not destined for you. The job you didn’t get despite your sincerest efforts was not meant for you. And the reasons may not become apparent until much later. But is main bhi koi behtri thi. In picking ourselves up and moving on…that’s what we have to remind ourselves of often.
What I am talking about is shallowness & the level immaturity when going through rishta process. Her ex husband wont be in her life physically but it might have left so many emotional scars. Now some people in the rishta process might worry about those things that I have mentioned which her now husband didnt.
Good of her new husband and good for her. May be she is a strong woman. But, this is due diligence and worrying about these things is perfectly understandable. Would you like to spend rest of your life with a man who is not over his ex? I have seen some examples. People who made bad choices about having relationships, got burned and when married, took it all upon their spouses. For them their spouse became the ?de facto ? person to exact revenge and had to bear the brunt of their insecurities. One can sympathize with their plight but no one else has to pay for someone else?s crimes.
Plus the the reason you are citing for lying is farcical. I mean how can one trust a person if he/she lies once for their benefit? Why wouldn?t they lie again?
Then no wonder its difficult for divorced girls to get married in desi socirty. Btw Juggan Kazim’s now husband was a divorcee too with a kid so they might have understood each others situation better.
I agree with what you are saying that worrying about these things is perfectly normal but only “if” issues & problems in the family are severe, when not that severe then thats in a way looking for perfection & we all know thats next to impossible.
Now there is this family where 3 of 4 children are Hafiz-e-Quran MashaAllah but they couldnt get married since father is a womanizer & a quite famous one in his circle. Why children have to suffer in all this? Its not their fault to begin with. Now don’t you think people who have been rejecting them are shallow? As you yourself said no one should pay for someone elses crime.
Now I have seen people rejecting rishtas because this family is urdu speaking & not punjabi. Then there are small families who only prefer small families as big families are a big no no for them. Now these are stupid reasons. Shallowness at its peak I must say.
And I have never said one should lie or hide anything, its just may be majority is hiding out of majboori because they know no one is mature enough to take the reality & it might backfire. Desis have become more shallow, less compromising & majority looks for perfection.
You know what… nothing wrong with being shallow… they are upfront and arent lying about what they want and their true intentions. Why are people hiding things they know other people won’t like…cause it lowers their social standing to them. If the girls family is crazy…sure that might not mean that she’s crazy…but their craziness will eventually become your stress. Even if you live far away and want nothing to do with them. They’ll find a way.
When you get married…you not only have the responsibility to take care of the girl, but you also inherit her problems which can also be family problems.
The other thing i will point out..all of these stories are told from a specific POV..you are not getting 100% of the accurate facts due to a person bias. Sometimes their are deal breakers and things that people ignore when they first get a ristha…but the addition and all these facts adding up puts the cherry on top for people to say no and break the rishta..