What are you views on pre-marital counseling or marriage counseling in general? Why desi people are against such things?
I think every couple should go through a pre-marital counseling before getting married. I also think couples should continue counseling or seek (incase they haven’t had pre-marital counseling) after getting married.
Re: Pre-Marital Counseling
Lusi, you know that isn't a bad idea, but here's my take...marriage isn't as hard as people are making it out to be. I think people are thinking way too much these days. Too many what ifs and buts and me and I and myself, my rights and freaking lehenga and my tikka and my space and my my my. Sorry but our society is messed up these days. Hence the fears and failures.
Re: Pre-Marital Counseling
^ I totally agree with you on that. I think people do get a bit too scared of the M word.
Lusi, I do think counseling is beneficial. Desi people shy away from pre and post marital counseling only because most of our marriages are arranged. Usually, in the West you might not find counselors who know what to advise in such cases. Its a completely different culture and sometimes a bit too foreign. This is generally what people think.
However, counseling cannot hurt anyone. There is nothing wrong with talking out your issues, problems or concerns with a neutral party who can help clarify things for the both of you.
Re: Pre-Marital Counseling
My friend went for premarital counseling. The counselor did personality profiles for them, he discussed both of their their strengths and weaknesses, how both of them can use them for each other's benefit, passions, goals, religion, culture, finances, etc.
I took a class on families and relationships, it was part of my coursework in college. It was so insightful. I know everyone looks at it differently but it is kind of like going for a routine check up to a doc to make sure everything is going fine.
Re: Pre-Marital Counseling
It would suggest that you are thinking about the long term implications of marriage, so I would say it is a good idea. Maybe with a third party there it will allow for one to take things more seriously and address issues in a apolitical setting.
It might be good idea especially for any bollywood obsessed girls whose idea of marriage is based on fiction.
However, who is qualified to counsel on desi marriages? I wouldnt trust your local imam especially if they arent educated. Shrinks may not be able to understand all the nuiances of desi culture. Finding a desi shrink who does marriage counseling might be a good idea... but are there a lot of those around?
Re: Pre-Marital Counseling
saarii counselling dharii kii dhaarii rah jaatii hai when couples are in rage for whatever big or small issues. one analogy is carrying a gun which is not a defense at all coz its hardly ever used in self defense. actually, its on the contrary...some one in the family gonna get hurt due to an accident of in rage.
Re: Pre-Marital Counseling
pre-marital counseling? for desi's?
That would mean that girl/guy need to be very upfront / open and had been dating to know each other for a while to even ENTER the counseling phase.
Although things are changing, desi's are not yet ready to declare their relationship because of fear on what if it does not work out. They do not want to keep a "known" past to the public. If you don't bravely come out and declare your relationship - then how can you brave it up for counseling?
Re: Pre-Marital Counseling
In the christian religions, they require a couple to complete a pre-marriage session that is run by married church members in good standing. They have a set routine to follow, subjects to be discussed etc. I think if Muslims began a program like this, it could be helpful. Ive read too many times about after-marriage surprises, some of them really basic things like where to live, whether wife will be "allowed" to work, how many kids etc - all things that should be discussed prior to signing on the dotted line!
Re: Pre-Marital Counseling
People aren't afraid of the M word. They are afraid of the C word. Compromise. They are unwilling to place the needs of others before themselves. This forum is an obvious example of that. A majority of the problems people have can easily be sorted out by talking to each other and acting like mature adults.
lolzz nice use of 'C' 'M'
Lusi its not a bad idea at all.
You just can't always point out to your partner what is hurting the relation.
And if Friends and family gets involved, they become on bad terms eventually.
So Its better if a professional do that... and his/her input would be unbiased.
Its a good idea... plus if you want to go with a person to a profesional.. I mean you are already there....don't consider your self so "unmarried".
PlayStation: Not you but the third person.
Re: Pre-Marital Counseling
***If people would go into a marriage with all the cards on the table and actually think this is for keeps , there would be no need for any counselling.
Even though the concept of counselling per se helps a lot of couples , in my opinion involving a thrid party in a marriage is never good........You need to learn to figure things out as a couple without outside influence. ***
In the christian religions, they require a couple to complete a pre-marriage session that is run by married church members in good standing. They have a set routine to follow, subjects to be discussed etc. I think if Muslims began a program like this, it could be helpful. Ive read too many times about after-marriage surprises, some of them really basic things like where to live, whether wife will be "allowed" to work, how many kids etc - all things that should be discussed prior to signing on the dotted line!
I agree MO3... however, I think this needs to be ingrained in the culture. Christains have been doing this and it's a norm, whereas if this is even started in Muslim culture - it would be very partial... cause only a few select people would actually support it - only because it is not part of our culture (leaving religion aside for this matter).
There are many thing in difference cultures that are good, and I like to take all the "good" any religion has to offer.
I also like something about Christianity - is that there are no set rules from pre-ancient times. You CAN live your life as conservatively or any which way you choose to. Whereas, as a Muslim you are given a pre-historical guide lines on how to live your life. This is the only thing that bugs me :(
I agree MO3... however, I think this needs to be ingrained in the culture. Christains have been doing this and it's a norm, whereas if this is even started in Muslim culture - it would be very partial... cause only a few select people would actually support it - only because it is not part of our culture (leaving religion aside for this matter).
There are many thing in difference cultures that are good, and I like to take all the "good" any religion has to offer.
I also like something about Christianity - is that there are no set rules from pre-ancient times. You CAN live your life as conservatively or any which way you choose to. Whereas, as a Muslim you are given a pre-historical guide lines on how to live your life. This is the only thing that bugs me :(
I don't agree with that statement at all !
What you are confusing is cultural norms and practices that don't hold true in today's generation and which leads to failures in relationships. Being a muslim doesn't teach you to follow cultural prejudices , and it should not be confused with it.
Islam does not give you pre-histoic guidelines on how to live your life , being a muslim teaches you the basics of living your life that spans centuries and still holds true in todays society.
If we all lived and practiced Islam as it should be rather than in the selective ,whatever suits me way , there would be no need for counselling pre or post marital !
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nj..Being open is good…but being open to just one option is real bad!!!
Re: Pre-Marital Counseling
NJMasti, I cannot profess to being any sort of religious scholar but the Ten Commandments are age-old and the credo that christians are expected to live by. I think they hold pretty true for Muslims also (in addition to the five pillars). So these things have held true through the many centuries.
Trouble comes in with interpretations. There are some Muslims (I KNOW, not the majority!!) but there are those who say that their women must wear burkha or go out only when escorted by a male relative, or not mix with the opposite sex or must marry who their parents tell them to marry. These are interpretations and sure that can be a problem in any religion, not just Islaam. But when you have interpretations that go way way over to the left or way waay over to the right, you lose the essence of the religion yeah? Most o the time, its based on cultural practice or beleif rather than adherence to the religion.
ANYhoo....I think if the local mosques would ask for volunteers of happily married couples in good standing, that they spend a few hours with engaged couples and discuss the basics of married life, goals, hopes, fears etc. that it could work nicely.
Re: Pre-Marital Counseling
I don't know if premarital counseling will help at all because I wonder how much can you find out about a person in an office setting plus in our desi society marriage is rarely about two individuals....we are often dealing with issues with other family members of the spouse. A lot of times a third person is creating problems in a marriage. I think counseling might help a little but it can't guarantee anything because you can't really know how your partner will respond to a situation s/he has never faced!
Re: Pre-Marital Counseling
Instead of looking for married couples with good standing, lol...this could be interpreted in many ways, they should be forced to watch an episode of Shadi Online on GEO. Those 30 minutes would turn off any prospective girl pretty fast.
Re: Pre-Marital Counseling
When i read the original post i thought it was a ridiculous idea but i do think its a good idea after reading the responses of others...and like mentioned before it will help the couple understand what to expect after marriage in a way that wont cause arguements and fights...well hopefully...but whether this can be implemented is another matter..
Lusi, you know that isn't a bad idea, but here's my take...marriage isn't as hard as people are making it out to be. I think people are thinking way too much these days. Too many what ifs and buts and me and I and myself, my rights and freaking lehenga and my tikka and my space and my my my. Sorry but our society is messed up these days. Hence the fears and failures.
***If people would go into a marriage with all the cards on the table and actually think this is for keeps , there would be no need for any counselling.
Even though the concept of counselling per se helps a lot of couples , in my opinion involving a thrid party in a marriage is never good........You need to learn to figure things out as a couple without outside influence. ***
excellent points.
In the christian religions, they require a couple to complete a pre-marriage session that is run by married church members in good standing. They have a set routine to follow, subjects to be discussed etc. I think if Muslims began a program like this, it could be helpful. Ive read too many times about after-marriage surprises, some of them really basic things like where to live, whether wife will be "allowed" to work, how many kids etc - all things that should be discussed prior to signing on the dotted line!
sorry to point out the obvious, but considering the sky-rocketing divorce rate in the west, it does not seem to be helping at all.