Hi ladies! I have been an avid fan of this site for many years as I stumbled across it first when I was helping my cousin plan her wedding. I wanted to get some excellent advice from you all on a problem I am having. A few family members have given me their input but nothing helps and I’m not about to ask my khalas and cousins for help because I don’t want them to worry. So here it goes..I shall spare you all the pain staking details and cut to the chase. So I have been married for 2 years and it seems my husband has all the power. He makes ALL the decisions and tells me to do things his way and I had been until I tried to put my foot down which is not working. He and his family has not bought me gifts which is custom,like bari etc but I never complained or cared since his mother is a widow. He says clothes cost money and we should not be concerned with material things anyways..okay, so the question is how do I shift the power to me or rather..make it equal? I’ve tried talking to him but he either gets angry or changes the subject. When we talk these days its only in a joking un-serious manner..Any suggestions would help..and thankyou for anything to help
Re: Power shifting in relationships
Hello there..this seems like a personal matter, a very personal one..I would find friends to confide in that themselves are married and ask them for help as only a married person can relate..well to being with someone for a long time and all..and how about couples counseling? That should help alot too..It shouldn't be ab burden on your wallet as most insurance should cover part or most of it..hope this helps and keep your head up girl,you'll get through this!
Re: Power shifting in relationships
Do you work? Why don't you get a job and do things your way with your money?
Re: Power shifting in relationships
And some ppl can be controlling, its in their nature. I see many women who want everythign their way. But yeah being financially independent makes a huge difference in power shift.
Re: Power shifting in relationships
Yes I have a part time job!! Whay does everyone say having a job will help? Yes, it makes me financially almosy independent(its part time so I don't make much) But he is the one who makes the money for the household. I never want everything my way. I always compromise and at times let him have his way even if I don't like it. Also,the thing is..I may voice and voice my opinion about something being done a different way than his and he does not seem to care or listen..my white friends tell me to get a divorce but many factors are against it. Such as 1. I don't want to disgrace or embarrass my family(but not at the cost of my happiness) 2. when he is nice he can be loving and cute 3. I still love him and remember all the things we did before marriage which led up to our marriage..the fun and romantic things that showed he cared. 4. Nowadaya after we fight I go for a walk or occupy myself in the bedroom with something else and in no time he comes back to me in an apologizing manner. He may not say he is sorry but shows it in other ways like hugging me etc...
Thanks for he help so far people..
Re: Power shifting in relationships
have u tried talking to him and letting him know that its serious what ure talkin bout? ask him why he fell in love with u and married you if he doesnt think ure mature or smart enuff to make any decisions for the 2 of u? let him know u arent emotionaly satisfied with him and explain how he makes u feel.
Re: Power shifting in relationships
But why is his being in charge a problem for you? As long as he isn't make incorrect or immature decisions for your family, it's OK isn't it? You can focus your energies on other matters instead of worrying about where to invest your savings or which car to buy... it looks like he has many positive attributes so focus on those.
But why is his being in charge a problem for you? As long as he isn't make incorrect or immature decisions for your family, it's OK isn't it? You can focus your energies on other matters instead of worrying about where to invest your savings or which car to buy... it looks like he has many positive attributes so focus on those.
That means superman has some power in the house??
stop kidding.
Re: Power shifting in relationships
This thread is not about me Monk 
Re: Power shifting in relationships
piytato I think guy shud have more power overall. However, u shud have ur say aswel. Now the most critical point is that if u r trying to bring about a shift in the power balance after two years then this is likely to take time n u shud b mindful of that.
I think on certain issues, u can start by pushing him abit and tell him that u feel that ur not being listened to atall but dont nag. Guys hate that, then let him have the final decision. Overtime, he wud start listenin to u more. Its all about politics. u have to make him feel like he is the boss but influence the decisions in a subtle way.
Im sure there are things he doesnt like about u or he myt feel that u always nag him. If he is not bein abusive then You shudnt even think about divorce or it will become a self fulfillin prophecy.
To b honest, some women on here are just way too quick to suggest divorce n other such extreme measures but thats childish reaction n doesnt lead to happiness, end result wud b quite the contrary.
Re: Power shifting in relationships
What kind of decisions are you left out of?
What would you do differently and how did his decision impact you (as a couple) negatively?
Why did you bring up the part about the bari?
Re: Power shifting in relationships
No. A guy should not have power. Then you really don’t love her, you just love your ego.
keep talking to him. Keep giving him input into decisions. Does h control all the money?
Yes I have a part time job!! Whay does everyone say having a job will help? Yes, it makes me financially almosy independent(its part time so I don't make much) But he is the one who makes the money for the household. I never want everything my way. I always compromise and at times let him have his way even if I don't like it. Also,the thing is..I may voice and voice my opinion about something being done a different way than his and he does not seem to care or listen..my white friends tell me to get a divorce but many factors are against it. Such as 1. I don't want to disgrace or embarrass my family(but not at the cost of my happiness) 2. when he is nice he can be loving and cute 3. I still love him and remember all the things we did before marriage which led up to our marriage..the fun and romantic things that showed he cared. 4. Nowadaya after we fight I go for a walk or occupy myself in the bedroom with something else and in no time he comes back to me in an apologizing manner. He may not say he is sorry but shows it in other ways like hugging me etc...
Thanks for he help so far people..
The reason I asked if you work is because i see alot of men being very controlling when they are the sole breadwinners. You havn't specified how controlling he is and what he doesnt let you do? you said something about him saying clothes arent that importnat. Well, if you have a job, you can buy these things with your money. thats what i meant.
I'm not saying get a divorce, but if you think you're unhappy in your marriage then you should really talk to him about it and tell him you'r very unhappy. If he still doesn't give a damn then he really isnt worth it. But since you're saying that you still love him he must still have some good qualities. Every marriage has problems. i still havn't seen a couple thats 100% happy all the time no matter how nice both of them are. Marriage is about compromise and remember that you might have some flaws too that he's willing to ignore. Howerver in certain cases, its just impossible to live happily with your spouse. I really don't know how bad ur situation is but communication ist he most important thing in marrriage. He can't read your mind. If he isn't willng to listen, get some mutual freinds or close relatives to talk to him.
Hope this helps.
wish you all the best
Re: Power shifting in relationships
this could be due to many reasons such as his brought up and other factors such as your attitude. maybe your attitude towards him is real nice but then it may not be upto his requirements. or maybe there is no understanding between you and him which makes him refrain from letting you make decisions or following you