Just sitting randomly doing my work, had a thought.. thought I’d share with you all and what do you think about it?
You know if you are a kind of bride who lives abroad and so does your fiance and is going to pakistan for wedding as all his and your background family lives there. After wedding, it’s normal tradition, that groom comes early back due to work and bride is expected to stay back for a while. Say after about 20 days, Groom is expected to return whilst bride probably later.. this is not to say that groom can’t afford having bride with him or any money problems, just the tradition
I really hate this concept. I mean.. come on, you got married for reason to be together and enjoy your newly fresh wedded life together. Why get married, if you can’t live together after wedding either.
It’s like, your new wedding life and other intimate things .. ahem ahem.. So when groom leaves you, doesn’t it leave high and dry?
lol.. just a thought. seen it happening many times.
i personally dont agree with it. it’s just, you need to enjoy newly wedded life together, go outing, honeymoon etc..
Ive always thought this happens when one half is from abroad and has to go back due to work commitments etc and start visa process! I would break tradition and just go back or both stay.!
I've never heard of that tradition?! I know that after the wedding the bride goes back home - with her husband and stays there for a couple of days. At least that's what we do in our household.
Ive always thought this happens when one half is from abroad and has to go back due to work commitments etc and start visa process! I would break tradition and just go back or both stay.!
I know, i thenk they should have started visa arrangements way earlier so that they can go back together!
OMG!!! THIS IS HAPPENING TO ME! I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY ONE!!! We are insh'allah getting married next month but he works abroad and his parents are here (London) visiting from Pak for the wedding. So he said that after the wedding he's gonna go back to work, and he wants me to stay with THEM while they are here. Then when the leave to go back home (maybe after a month) he will come and get me and we will move together abroad.
I was fighting at first saying what the hell, we are getting married shouldn't WE be together? If he wants me to get to know his parents, shouldn't we get to know them TOGETHER? And if he can't afford to fly back every week to see them with me, then shouldn't he start saving up now? I will be his wife so he has to take that responsibility.
I hate hate hateeeeeee this situation. Not happy at all. I didn't know this was a custom. My parents live very close by to where his parents are staying. I've secretly decided that when he leaves me I'm just gonna waltz back to my parents' house and live with them. Who are my susuraal to say anything? I can get to know them over phone calls or something.
uuuggghhh so angry at him and this stupid situation :(
ALSO - if I am getting to know his parents, shouldn't he be getting to know MY parents too? Marriage is a TWO WAY THING! Why doesn't he stay alone with my parents for a month while I stay alone with his parents? Then we can all be happy families!!!!
Maybe I should open another thread for this. I'm so annoyed at this stupid backward thinking!
nnabid, maybe you should have discussed this before accepting his proposal so he was well-aware of your expectations, and you, of his?
is there a visa you have to wait for which is why you're not flying back with him right away? what is the logic behind you staying back, other than getting to know his parents which i'm sure is not the only reason.
also, will you be living with the in-laws post-marriage? could he be suggesting this as a way of you getting to know them better in your own environment with your parents and family nearby to make the transition into married life easier? because that actually sounds pretty considerate of him, rather than whisking you off to london and throwing you into the middle of his family, surrounded by people who are practically strangers to you and leaving you to adjust to a new way of life and new ways of doing things all by yourself, while he works?
and is he maybe not staying longer because he can only get certain time off for vacations and he'd rather not jeopardise his job -and your future together- for multiple visits to pakistan, esp. since it really is only a month before you join him? or would you rather he spend all his time and money on you right now and then he'll have no job and you'll have no household income, unless you start working, and honestly, that would be crap.
i'd suck it up, get to know his family as they're now your family too, and then look forward to spending quality time with him in london when you see him in a matter of weeks. you can also take that time to see your family as much as you want and get sorted for your new home in london.
wow, just read back my posts. Ermm... sorry if I sound a bit bratty. I think I was shocked to read the OP's post because I can completely relate to it, and was surprised to hear someone else going through a similar thing. Sorry OP if I am taking over your thread (mods pls create a new thread if you think that's the case?)
SGC - thanks for your advice. I think I need to:
think before I speak or act (learnt that after reading back my post!)
suck it up and live with them for a while
I am Pakistani but live in London with my parents. My in laws are temporarily in London for the wedding (from Pak), and after we get married both hubby and I will (eventually) move to Sweden (after this living-with-in-laws-on-my-own business is over). I think I am frustrated because I am bought up in a Western society so very used to advocating the ideas of 'equal rights' for all. And I think with traditional Pakistani culture the whole idea is that the girl has a 'rukhsati' so she leaves her parents and enters the house of her susuraal - whereas I think it should be an EQUAL thing, i.e. I am leaving my parents to enter his family, but he should also be entering my family. That's why I don't think it's fair to be living with his parents
I dunno... if it's only for a month maybe I should suck it up...
oh yeah, in answer to your question SGC, no there are no visa issues whatsoever. the only reason hubby is asking me to stay is that his parents have come especially for the wedding, so he wants me to stay here with them until they leave. he also said it will be a chance for me to get to know them. the thing that's frustrating me is that why is he expecting that only I should get to know his parents, but he is not bothering to get to know mine? If I need 4 weeks to get to know his parents, shouldn't he spend 4 weeks with my parents? (I know it's not possible cus of work commitments I'm just saying...) but why is it so important for only ME to adjust - not him? I don't get that. I think that's the traditional Pakistani culture bit which conflicts with my understanding....
^ that's a good point and i get where you're coming from, but i think by spending that one month with his parents (something that is very important to him, seemingly and rightfully so) before joining him in sweden, he'll see that you are willing to do something for him despite your misgivings about it, and hopefully it'll bring you two even closer. i know a lot of times doing something for your husband turns into this feminist bit where oh no! why should i do this if he won't do that etc. etc. but that isn't how real life works and i think you know that- you sound very sensible underneath it all ;)
plus, when you're married, it really is all about give and take. if he can't give right now, he'll give later. look forward to spending a very brief amount of time- all things considered- with your in-laws and enjoy being the new bride in their family, and then joining your husband in sweden for some serious one-on-one time!
also, you shouldn't worry about him not getting to know your family because your parents are in london, so you'll probably be able to see them easily and more frequently (like, for eg, on your first Eid together iA) than you'll be able to see his parents in pakistan, so there's plenty of opportunity for him to get comfortable with your folks.
Kaki different families have diff traditiions, if i’m honest I find this odd. i’m a very reserved person and being thrust into staying with strangers wont exactly be an opportunity for me to know them or them I. Awkward much?
Maybe after a couple of month both should stay a week or two together. How would he like being lumped in her parents house for a month? Haven’t her parents given a very very precious daughter and also have the right to know him better.
NNabid, I don't what you meant by OP but I have a feeling you are talking to me. And no you are not taking over my thread, everyone is welcome to share their views.
I totally relate to you regarding "equal opportunities", you know it really bugs me when I have to do something and He can't.. I know, its not like that in real life but I have seen it happpening where both wife and hubby compromise and work equally and they are happily married!
Wow. Pearls of wisdom. This is very good advice - thank you
no, I actually had to google it and still don’t get it…
Yeah, this is what I was originally thinking! But I now also agree with SGC about marriage being give and take. I think it’s important to him that I stay with them in the beginning as they’re only here for like a month. I am just scared of becoming another Nadz and having an awful MIL who makes my life hell!!!
I agree. But also have to echo SGC (again!) that maybe in such situations us girls get all ‘you can’t treat me like that’ when really we should try and be flexible as much as we expect our hubby’s to be flexible?
I don't understand..why can't he be with her for the first month of their marriage?
practically speaking, because he's got a job he has to get back to. its not as easy for someone working- husband OR wife- to take a month's vacation off, and thats if you even get a month off. most people only get 2-3 weeks.
Why get married, if you can't live together after wedding either.
Please don't say this to someone who's in that situation; chances are they feel really crappy about it anyway and don't need someone rubbing it in their face.
.. ahem ahem.. So when groom leaves you, doesn’t it leave high and dry?
Awkward much?
