Re: Possessive husband
You pick and choose your battles and try to reach a compromise; meet each other half-way. When both parties refuse to budge, then relations deteriorate. Let’s take a look at your original post. There were some questions that came to my mind right way when I first read your post, but I didn’t bring them up.
You said the reason behind the guy’s objections are not religious. Okay. Well, what if…let’s say…hypothetically speaking…his objections were based on religion, would the wife have compromised then or been more open to doing so? Does it need to be based on religion in order for her to compromise? Is that the shart or condition? I find the comment to be odd. It’s almost like the wife is thinking, “Pfft…humph…his reasons are not even religious…so why should I compromise?” And if she is currently unwilling, then how would she have reacted if reasons were based on religion? Would husband’s demands be more acceptable to her if they stemmed from religion? If her answer is “no,” then there’s really no point of even mentioning religion because she’s gonna have the same attitude/stance either way.
Look, I know that we don’t follow every single rule of Islam…myself included; I get that. But if we consider ourselves to be Muslim by more than just our name, then we should at least try to do as much as we can, right? And trying means that we have to exert some inner effort. Why can’t the wife think to herself that, "It’s okay if my husband is not thinking from a religious point of view…and I am not going to set that as a condition…instead let me put husband’s views to the side and try to see what Allah and Islam have to say about this matter. " She doesn’t need to wait for husband to develop a religious mindset first. Instead, she herself, can choose to be the first one to look at these issues from a religious persoective.
If wife considers herself to be a Muslim, then she should know that such free mingling is discouraged in Islam. So she can ask herself…“Am I getting dhair sara sawaab for taking pics with these guys?” …“Kya main mar jaaongi if I don’t take pics with these guys?” …“Do these guys pay my bills? Do I live with them? Do they have a huge bearing on my life?”
You know…sometimes…if we remind ourselves that we’re making a sacrifice for a higher authority (khudaa) rather than another person…it can change our attitude and make it easier for us to make those compromises.
I think sometimes that “liberal” is just another way of indirectly saying “choosing to disregard the rules or not follow them.” And again, I don’t follow all the rules myself and I know it’s hard to do so…but at least this situation provides the wife with the opportunity to reflect about this issue in a deeper way and from multiple perspectives.
Some of the complaints you’ve mentioned are non-issues. For instance, it’s not a big deal to avoid taking pics with your guy friends. As for other issues…wife can try to meet him half way. Adjust the privacy settings on FB…or post pics where she is posing alongside husband, etc. She can talk to her husband about the abaya issue. Explain to him that she feel overwhelmed as he never made these demands prior to marriage. She might be able to make him come around and if she can’t…then she has several options…she can try to get the support of either his/her family…she can try to reach a compromise with him to where she makes some adjustments in fashion as opposed to wearing full-on abaya…and if it’s that intolerable she can also opt to leave him.