Sara: Here’s a important piece of information you need to find out. Is his green card the 2-year conditional green card OR the 10-year permanent green card? Do not hesitate to ask him to show you his actual green card and look at the expiration date.
If by any chance he has the conditional 2 year green card, then his push for a marriage/baby asap would make total sense. And it should be a HUGE red flag for you. So PLEASE find this info. out before you get any more into this.
Personally, I think the whole thing sounds shady and him already telling you his “conditions”…what you’re going to wear, what language he expects you to speak at home, when to have a baby, when you can go back to work etc…:hinna: I think these are major red flags that you’re not considering. Given the fact that you’re educated and want to work on your career for a while before devoting all your time to motherhood…I don’t think you’re the right match for a guy who’s ready for a baby within a year. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with your desire to get married…but from what you’ve written so far, I don’t think this is the best choice.
Its a good idea to talk to the sisters, but its entirely possible that they'll jump on her and say, "Why are you suddenly so interested in getting married first? Do you have someone in mind? Are you seeing someone? You must have a boyfriend already....."
You know what, one reason why this guy wants to get married right away is probably because the longer it takes to get to know him, the more the truth will come out, which might be different from his story. And another reason to have a baby right away is that it will bind the woman to him forever. After a baby, the wife is not likely to get a divorce even if she doesn't want to be with him. 6 months or 1 year goes by very quickly!
Schmeardo - what you are saying does make sense. The sisters and mom will most likely not be very receptive to what OP has to say.
Sara - Is there perhaps a khala / phuphoo / some older married lady your mom is close to who might be an advocate for you and convey how you feel to your mom?
My own take on this - you've only spoken to him for a couple of weeks so how much of an emotional investment could you possibly have in him? Since you know this rishta will cause friction in the family, why not move on and get your family to consider one of the other rishtas you say come for you?
Oh god I would hate for this to happen to me. I would def speak to my sisters if and only if I think this guy is even worth it. I dont want to createa fight or disturb anyone's peace for someone that is not even worth it in the end. I will just wait and see. Thank you so much for your advice.
Paheli: Thank you for sharing this with me. I would have never known to ask this question! I ll def keep this in mind, if I do decide to pursue this.
I do want to focus on my career but I also want to have kids early myself but the fact that he places this as one of his conditions, it kind of got me thinking. Again thank you so much!
You make a good point Schmerado but could it really be that this guy is all bad....I feel so stupid that I was not able to spot all the obvious red flags here...maybe because I was just so focused on getting married trying to get rid of my EX. I mean he seems like a good guy to me but what do I know.
I dont even know if I should even bother getting to know him any further, I mean my sisters obviously dont like him so there might be a reason that they wanted to stay away from him I guess...
Its a good idea to talk to the sisters, but its entirely possible that they'll jump on her and say, "Why are you suddenly so interested in getting married first? Do you have someone in mind? Are you seeing someone? You must have a boyfriend already....."
You know what, one reason why this guy wants to get married right away is probably because the longer it takes to get to know him, the more the truth will come out, which might be different from his story. And another reason to have a baby right away is that it will bind the woman to him forever. After a baby, the wife is not likely to get a divorce even if she doesn't want to be with him. 6 months or 1 year goes by very quickly!
No one at the moment that I can reach out to. However, I do rmr when some of my khala who my mom is close to found out about my ex she did tell my mom to get me engaged to my ex and my mom said no not untill the older one is married.
Schmeardo - what you are saying does make sense. The sisters and mom will most likely not be very receptive to what OP has to say.
Sara - Is there perhaps a khala / phuphoo / some older married lady your mom is close to who might be an advocate for you and convey how you feel to your mom?
Yes thats true, there is not a whole of emotional investment here but I was trying to sell myself short and trying to find a guy on my own since my mom is rejecting my rishtas and I want to get married. I thought maybe if i find one myself and convince her, she would be fine.
My own take on this - you've only spoken to him for a couple of weeks so how much of an emotional investment could you possibly have in him? Since you know this rishta will cause friction in the family, why not move on and get your family to consider one of the other rishtas you say come for you?
Paheli: Thank you for sharing this with me. I would have never known to ask this question! I ll def keep this in mind, if I do decide to pursue this.
I do want to focus on my career but I also want to have kids early myself but the fact that he places this as one of his conditions, it kind of got me thinking.
Yes, PLEASE insist on seeing the actual green card yourself.
I have a major problem with this guy putting the baby condition like this. Things like this should be discuss and decided on MUTUALLY. But this guy, he has already decided that he wants his wife to get pregnant within months of marriage.....whether or not she's ready. And also, since he's so desperate for a baby....God forbid what if his wife has trouble conceiving? How will he handle it then?
Please don't marry a guy b/c you want to get away from your ex or think you need to get married before some magical age b/c you're getting "old". Those are HORRIBLE reasons to behind a marriage and it will lead you to choose a partner who could easily make your life very unhappy. Please have patience and do not sell yourself short.
Paheli! Thank you for helping me. You made this easier for me and I am at peace now knowing that I have full rights to ask all the questions I want. May Allah swt bless all of you! Ameen!
Yes, PLEASE insist on seeing the actual green card yourself.
I have a major problem with this guy putting the baby condition like this. Things like this should be discuss and decided on MUTUALLY. But this guy, he has already decided that he wants his wife to get pregnant within months of marriage.....whether or not she's ready. And also, since he's so desperate for a baby....God forbid what if his wife has trouble conceiving? How will he handle it then?
Please don't marry a guy b/c you want to get away from your ex or think you need to get married before some magical age b/c you're getting "old". Those are HORRIBLE reasons to behind a marriage and it will lead you to choose a partner who could easily make your life very unhappy. Please have patience and do not sell yourself short.
It would be much easier for your mom to deal with the issue if you try to convince her to get you engaged with one of the rishtas that come through your mother, rather than some stranger boyfriend that you plop in front of them; they'll have to deal with the shock/disappointment that you went and hooked up with someone behind their back.
Yes thats true, there is not a whole of emotional investment here but I was trying to sell myself short and trying to find a guy on my own since my mom is rejecting my rishtas and I want to get married. I thought maybe if i find one myself and convince her, she would be fine.
OOOOK, I read all the posts (note to self…read everything before commenting )
I still see this as 2 issues:
your parents rules/your sisters.
and this guy.
I still don’t think there was anything rude about him being interested in you and approaching your sisters first. Unless the manner in which he expressed his interest was gross or weird, just showing interset alone isn’t rude…this may be mean, but it just sounds like she was bitter he didn’t like her. Now, I dont’ think you should have spoken to him behind their back, but what’s done is done. Unfortunately given your sisters’ overreaction and your parents rigid rules, I dont’ see how you can bring it up without ruffling feathers. Maybe they may come around in the end or maybe not. It all depends on how much you think this guy is worth it.
Now the other issue is, do you even really like this guy? The fact that you went into so much detail about the last guy…even though you hate him…well you’ve openly said that you just want to get away from your ex. Paheli said it best–I don’t think your reasons for wanting to get married are that great. Trust me, it is the WORST thing you can do.
I agree with all the red flags…but at the same time you said he’s living with his brother/bhabi…it’s very well possible, that may be just one factor in him wanting to rush the marriage.
Also, I’m confused too about the age. If he was 24 when he got married, she’d be 18. 18 is usually college-age, not high school. 6 years is not a big age gap, esp between 18 and 24. and he still wants someone 4 years younger than him. If he got his greencard through her, did her parents (his ex in laws) not realize that he wouldn’t be financially strong? It doesn’t make much sense to me.
okay so you've known him for a week. you don't know half the things about him. you're okay with most things he wants from you (makes me reiterate that youve known him for a week) and you're fine with getting married to him.. by the end of the year.
yeah, sounds like a lasting relationship. mera ashirwaad.
Paheli! Thank you for helping me. You made this easier for me and I am at peace now knowing that I have full rights to ask all the questions I want. May Allah swt bless all of you! Ameen!
I think there are major red flags and you should take it slow. Esp as your sisters are concerned aswell, I dont agree that your Mother is witholding your rishtay just due to your elder sisters still being at home. Unfortunately this is common mentality however that should not be reason for you to rush into this relationship. As others have mentioned it seems to be all about him.
he messaged me and I ignored him for sometime but then I felt bad so I responded and told him the situation. He said he would like to get to know me without getting my sisters upset so I agreed.
You're funny. Your older sister said not to talk to him. He said he'll like to get to know you without your sisters getting upset. Obviously by watching Pakistani dramas, I can see where this is going. He wants your other sister. You fell for him. Ta dah! The result. TBH, I don't get girls like you.
You're moving too fast. But, if you really want to get married, get a court marriage and then tell your parents. That's what my bhabhi did.
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