STOCK SPLIT – When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally…between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER – A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.
MARKET CORRECTION – The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW – The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO! – What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS 2000 – What you jump out of when you’re the sucker that bought Yahoo @$240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR – Past year investor who’s now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT – Religious guy who talks to God.
MOMENTUM INVESTING – The fine art of buying high and selling low.
VALUE INVESTING – The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO – The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER – What my broker has made me.
“BUY, BUY” – A flight attendant making market recommendations as you step off the plane.
STANDARD & POOR – Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST – Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
EBIT – earnings before irregularities and tampering.
CEO – chief embezzlement officer.
CFO – corporate fraud officer.
NAV – normal Anderson valuation.
P/E – parole entitlement.
EPS – eventual prison sentence.
BULL MARKET – A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET – A 6 to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.