When you open Pandora’s Box, you just don’t know what to expect. I feel like that’s what I’m about to do here…
So this summer when I was in Pakistan, I met a second uncle…aka the son of one of my grandfather’s brothers. For the sake of anonymity, I will call this uncle: Junaid.
He suffers from Polio.
When I use to be younger, Uncle Junaid, would have some sort of brace and use “arm walkers” for mobility. At that time, as a young child, mostly naive and ignorant of these sorts of things, I would stare in bewilderment. You know, you just don’t see, these kinds of things, especially at that young age; my exposure to polio or disability was non-existent to limited.
Well this Summer was the first time I met Uncle Junaid after maybe more than 16 years. I don’t know if his polio worsened, but he was no longer using any arm walkers or braces. A servant would carry him like a baby, from point A to B. If I had to speculate his age, he is easily in his mid to late 30’s.
I walk into the dining room, and I see Uncle Junaid to my left sitting down on the sofa. Across from him, is this servant playing with this small 2 year old baby. Pretty cute baby if you ask me… so a dull thought runs through my head, “even without use of this lower body, still conceived a kid – that’s pretty impressive.”
I take a second look at the servant, she’s not a terribly bad looking nanny, but let’s be real, she looks — like a nanny. I greet Uncle Junaid and sit to the left of him. I put my iphone in my lap, and his kids walking about. Another thought crosses my mind, “So maybe the dude can’t walk, but on a genetic level, he’s achieved mobility through his offspring, that’s a miracle of its own.” We talk a little bit, catch up. After a few minutes I dismiss myself and go upstairs to shower, get ready. As I stand up, plop goes my iphone on the marble tile….just great.
Upstairs, my other cousin is preoccupied watching a movie. I tell him, I met Uncle Junaid. “He’s downstairs in the dining room, with his nookrani and son”.
“Abey! Voh uski nookrani nahi hai! That’s his wife!” my cousin exclaims. To my faint disbelief, my jaw drops slightly. My cousin then tells me the Saga of Uncle Junaid.
As legend goes, one day, Uncle Junaid was caught in “the act” with a servant. Somehow, he got caught or exposed. The facts are a bit blurry, we don’t know if the servant disclosed the details to someone; or word got out (servants are extremely nosey/observant), or he actually was caught being served. Point is, the elders had their pow wow. They got together and decided it was time to find a wife for uncle Junaid.
His first wife ran away. She could not quite cope with his polio and physical limitations. So they got him another. Lucky guy right?
His second wife, came from a moderately poor family. They didn’t have much, and they happily obliged to the arrangement. I do not known if money was exchanged, but the girl was very young, quite possibly 16 years of age. She seems illiterate and uneducated, even lacking trivial etiquette and manner. It’s like she doesn’t know how to carry herself like a proper wife (educated & mannered) would.
My first reaction and response to the tale was a bit silly…
“So, like… uhhh how did Juniad, actually seduce a servant? Like I mean… you know? How did it happen?”
“Yaaaar! does it look like I was there? Stop being bevakoof” my cousin scolded.
Don’t get me wrong, I am happy for my Uncle Junaid, but at the same time, a little saddened that it seems like he got slim pickings. He had to settle for less, because people of the same social/economic class, would not approve marrying their daughter to a person with a physical disability. Heck, it could be a collective decision, in which all parties involved on the brides side (including her) would not consent.
And I understand also why – because in a physical impairment situation – such as polio that has rendered the functionality of the lower extremities completely…it almost requires the spouse to carry the male’s burden. She has to literally “take care” of her husband. Yet, this is Pakistan, there are ample servants…none the less, it is what it is.
So here’s the situation: I have a close Pakistani friend that I grew up with in our “local community” – He happens to be physically disabled. To what degree you might ask? Well, he happens to be a tri amputee (missing three limbs) – but is completely able bodied, meaning he can do everything that a “normal” person could (drive, sports, etc)… but lets be real - He stands out. You can’t really hide an arm you don’t have. Nor can you hide fake legs when you wear shorts.
The point is, with my current “cousin facade” situation that transpired this summer, him and I have been talking about possibilities. I mean he has no problem dating women in the states, but I’ve actually seen my Uncle Junaid’s fate (which I’ve told him about)….and we’ve been talking about options for him.
Is he in a privileged position, in which he will be able to pursue rishtas (seeing how his circumstances differ)? If he does go the arranged marriage route in Pakistan, will he be treading down the same path as my Uncle Junaid (having to downgrade social/economic class)?
That being said, what is the mentality of Pakistani families, concerning the prospect of a spouse with a physical impairment? I mean marriage is for life (until death do us part or divorce of course).
It is common sense to assume, that obviously a significant number of prospects can deny him based of physicality alone, but people frequently get denied on looks, yet alone physicality.
Also, another important tidbit, I’ve told him, is that rishtas, are a family decision. Meaning, one rotten apple, could spoil the whole deal.
He seems like quite the sensible bloke, and has great personality… but this is not really my area of expertise.
Does anyone have any first hand experience or know of a relative/family member with somebody which a physical limitation?
So Ladies besides the obvious “I’d have to get to know him”, what’s your take?
Or would you say, this is more or less – the way it goes.
And so this little sheep walks, into the den of wolves.….