and the marriages of our parents time were more successful than today.
Depends how you define 'success'.. Yes, they were MUCH more likely to stay together but can you truly say they were in happier marriages than today?
I know of a few couples of that generation who once their kids went to uni or were married off now lead separate lives.. Likewise I know a lot of women who never dared answer back to their husbands and are closer to their sons.. Is that indicative of a successful or happy marriage??
I often wonder the same...how can you judge a person based on first and only meeting? But then meeting more than once is perhaps not Islamic either and in fact there is a condition that u can't meet alone...have to be accompanied by someone and I know personally i wud not be able to really communicate and get to know my possible partner while sitting among people. Maybe its just me but i do wonder about how this whole process can be done while remaining within the boundaries of Islam.
Good point Mamzie!..i recently have through this. Both families met. And Girl's bhabhi took us to another room..where we chatted for 10 mins. Ya..and talked about basic basic stuff. And after that day..i told my mom to call her mom to ask her..if it is ok..i can talk to her on the phone. Ya..her mom didn't like that idea..she goes, my name mutmain nahi hua kia?. My mom was like (wtf). And i am kinda guy...where i like to talk on the phone. I hate emails..whatsapping these stuff. This is serious stuff. I mean hey..i would be ok with meeting up one on one..don't care..but i was trying to be respectful to girl and her family by asking her parents indirectly. So ya...how do you go about it. I think phone is the only way!
Personality traits are the least inquired thing in Rishta process. People ask about finances, ethnicity, caste, language, sect, education, career etc.
But hardly anyone asks about if the person is adaptable, compassionate, introvert, extrovert, argumentative etc
Why?
Ya..i get into these questions a lot. Aside from all those finances and all those...it is very important to me what kind of person is she. And usually..i do realize that everyone tries to be nicer and tell about their good stuff. Which is why..i prefer to get to know her first..before even saying yes. Quiet frankly, as cautious a girl is..i also want to make sure..i don't end up being with psycho.
^ My cousin had the same issues. A couple of rishtas came where my husband asked to speak to the girl and get to her know and also make sure she liked him and wasn't just going off her parents. Most of them backed off while one of the families honestly said they were not comfortable with it and their daughters will marry whoever the parents feel is right for them but they offered to come over again, and came a few times and neither one of those times was my cousin able to talk to this girl. Everyone just tells my Khala now to make sure that's something the family is okay with, letting the kids get to know each other first. That also helps in determining some compatibility I think. Two kids talking with permission shows the families have similar values. Most of the people I know all took their time in getting to know each other so it's always difficult for me to imagine when some people don't have that option because of religious reasons. I think it's the most important thing for two people to be truly content with their decision.
I think when your able to decide for yourself if whether or not a person is right for you, makes you work harder to fix it if your faced with hard times later. Otherwise doesn't it make people angry later on if things don't go well and just not care to compromise to make it work? At least with today's generation.
I think luck and destiny have a lot to do with who comes into our lives. Hoping that someone will be honest or know themselves well enough to tell whether they are extroverts or argumentative or flexible...won't be the case on the first meeting. We all want to make a good impression, it's human nature. Some people are lucky to find ones that fit well with their personalities and traits they can live with or that are a good match. Others are not so lucky.
I do believe what happens in our lives and who comes into our lives is all prewritten by Allah.
Good point Mamzie!..i recently have through this. Both families met. And Girl's bhabhi took us to another room..where we chatted for 10 mins. Ya..and talked about basic basic stuff. And after that day..i told my mom to call her mom to ask her..if it is ok..i can talk to her on the phone. Ya..her mom didn't like that idea..she goes, my name mutmain nahi hua kia?. My mom was like (wtf). And i am kinda guy...where i like to talk on the phone. I hate emails..whatsapping these stuff. This is serious stuff. I mean hey..i would be ok with meeting up one on one..don't care..but i was trying to be respectful to girl and her family by asking her parents indirectly. So ya...how do you go about it. I think phone is the only way!
Your mom should have said k haan nai mutmain huwa, aab bole?! Lols. Its good for both girl and boy to have atleast one good, clear and honest conversation before going ahead with the process.
Not sure what the answer to this complex spiral is but will definitely say Xtron please do those girls a favour and do not get an arranged marriage. Your future wife should know exactly what kinda personality you have and perhaps get a chance to note her own observations before she says yes. :)
No matter how much one try and use methods to get convinced before marriage if someone is compatible for marriage, after marriage situations and reactions still can change.
People who live for years together, fall in love with each other, find each other most compatible with each other, still get divorced.
Just met a woman who married after dating and living together for 7 years crying that her husband was no longer the same as early as the wedding night.
They are now living separate since the next day of their marriage.
I have posted before few other examples a few years ago. And these unfortunate events continue to make me believe there is no guarantee for a marriage to last long based on so called love and compatibility standard as perceived by people, BEFORE marriage.
Depends how you define 'success'.. Yes, they were MUCH more likely to stay together but can you truly say they were in happier marriages than today?
I know of a few couples of that generation who once their kids went to uni or were married off now lead separate lives.. Likewise I know a lot of women who never dared answer back to their husbands and are closer to their sons.. Is that indicative of a successful or happy marriage??
Sorry, didn't get the message in bold part. Maybe I do, but want to make sure if what I understood is correct.
Women who never dared answer back to their husbands and connecting that to they are closer to their sons is what I need to understand.
I think the ideal thing would be the parents to iron out the major issues so that there are no differences that could lead to an outright rejection. Then, the children should be allowed to meet in a public place or at home, chaperoned. It is rare in Pakistani culture, however, there doesn't seem to be anything unislamic about it. I do not have the source, but I believe Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) once asked a companion (who liked a girl he saw in public) to go see her and her parents himself. Parents tend to be indirect and not always focused on many things that the children would care about.
This would also eliminate the problem to kids seeing each other, liking each other and then parents saying no.
V. Interesting topic :)
There are 2 reasons. Human nature is unpredictable and everyone has a different luckily. So anything can happen even if you have same traits or like able traits.
