Do you always expect your kids to do everything ‘perfectly’? A lot of us are perfectionists and demand too much from our children. We want to be the ‘perfect’ parents with the ‘perfect’ kids. Here are ways to encourage your children while accepting their limitations.
How a perfectionist acts
Perfectionists set unreachable goals and standards for themselves and others, leaving little room for mistakes and being relentlessly self-critical. Since they measure their self-worth by how much they achieve and how excellent the results are, they always live in fear of ‘failure’ and rejection from others. They are also chronic procrastinators putting tasks off until ‘they can do them just right’ because doing them now will only achieve 90% of their objective. Perfectionists do not prioritize, every detail has to be given 100% of their time and effort which is usually impossible, and so they end up facing frustration, anxiety and depression.
The line between perfectionism and ambition
The difference between healthy striving for excellence and the self-defeating trait of perfectionism is that healthy strivers set realistic goals, usually just one step ahead of what they’ve already achieved. They also enjoy the process of achieving because they’re not only concerned with the results. When faced with disapproval or failure, they understand that it’s limited to the task at hand and doesn’t apply to their entire self-worth.
The root of the ‘perfectionist attitude’
Perfectionism starts in childhood when children are valued and loved because of what they accomplish, not who they are; this is conditional love. These children soon decide that being ‘perfect’ is the only way out of a dilemma; it gets them the love they need and protects them from the harsh criticism and failure in people’s eyes. Sherine Khalil, clinical psychologist, says that parents who forget to praise their child’s efforts and put all the stress on the results alone are a direct cause of perfectionist attitudes in children. These parents, as described by their children, are very hard to please. She adds that parents who pretend to be ‘perfect’ and ‘know-it-all’ and who stick to their ‘stereotype’ of how one should react emotionally and behaviorally to a given situation, also contribute to perfectionist attitudes in their children. These parents rarely, if ever, say “I don’t know” or “I’m sorry” to their children.
Some children are perfectionists by nature without their parents contributing to it. They worry too much about how people perceive them, even during their early years at school. For example, if they make a mistake, they will repeat the task all over again. They sometimes leave projects until the last minute, so they can blame their less than the perfect results on lack of time.
The negative effects of perfectionism
Perfectionism leads to very unhealthy physical and emotional results. Perfectionists can never achieve the standards they have set in their minds and this chronic ‘failure’ and constant pressure to achieve actually reduces the person’s productivity and leads to an even lower self-esteem. The perfectionist may take one of two routes, he may either completely give up on his goals and give into depression, or he sets new but still unrealistic goals, thinking “I’ll do it this time, I only have to try harder” and the cycle of pressure starts all over again.
The effect of perfectionism on children varies. In most cases, children with perfectionist parents will continuously try to please them, and they will unconsciously adopt the perfectionist attitude with time. This stays well into their adult years and they may have a very hard time getting rid of the attitude. However, in some cases a child who feels that his mom and dad can never be pleased may give up completely or even rebel. This is especially true with second siblings especially if they feel that the older sibling achieves perfection in the parents’ eyes. This rebellion may lead the child to deliberately fail or worse, mix with the wrong crowd and turn to drugs or other similar solutions to forget his continuous ‘failures’.
Ten things you can do to encourage your children to be successful without entering the web of perfectionism
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Remember how you used to feel as a child. You probably cherished every word of praise, and that’s what pushed you forward, not words of criticism. Praise your children’s every effort even if you can’t praise the work or the results. It is the effort that counts and children need to understand that.
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Remember that your children are young, still growing and learning, so don’t expect them to know how to do everything right.
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Never make them feel that they have to achieve excellent results to earn your love; give them love unconditionally.
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Never tear them down with words like “You call this tidying up? I’ll just have to do it myself.” This leaves them feeling that their contribution was insignificant, unappreciated and not good enough.
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Teach your children to how to prioritize, how to break down large assignments into several smaller ones and how to manage their time.
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Set a good example by getting rid of your own perfectionist attitude, your child is watching you all the time. Avoid getting upset over little issues or insisting on rigid goals. Being a good role model is more effective.
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According to Khalil, parents must understand that each child is unique; he cannot be compared to anyone else. The only comparison should be to his past achievements, not what other children achieve.
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Acknowledge that everyone has limits and allow mistakes. Khalil explains that humans weren’t meant to be perfect to begin with and it’s only stressful to think otherwise.
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Admit that you as a parent have shortcomings or sometimes do not have the answer to a question. It is actually necessary that a child hears you say, “I don’t know, I need to look this up”, or “I was wrong, I’m sorry.” It makes you sound more human and tells the child that it’s okay to have limits and make mistakes.
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If your child is very intelligent and achieves perfect results in the early years of school, challenge the child and create situations where he tries hard but DOES NOT perform that perfectly. Then help the child accept his performance and appreciate the effort he made. In other words train your child to deal with ‘failing’, and show him how this can be accepted and used positively for the future.