Perfect Husband

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club after a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole. Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

(H - Husband, W - Wife)

H - “Hello?”

W - “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

H - “Yes.”

W - “Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful leather coat. It’s absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?”

H - “What’s the price?”

W - “Only $1,000.”

H - “Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much…”

W - “Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2002 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me really good price .. and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year…”

H - “What price did he quote you?”

W - “Only $60,000…”

H - “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.”

W - “Great! But before we hang up, something else…”

H - “What?”

W - “It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It’s for sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property.”

H - “How much are they asking?”

W - “Only $450,000 – a magnificent price…and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover…”

H - “Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid up to $420,000. OK?”

W - “OK, sweetie…Thanks! I’ll see you later!! I love you!!!”

H - “Bye…I love you too…”

The man hangs up & closes the phone’s flap. The other men are looking at him in astonishment and derision. The husband raises his hand while holding the phone and asks, “Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?” !!!

Two guys meet in a bar, and one says to the other, "Did you hear the news? -- Paul's dead!"
"What!?! Paul is dead? What happened to him?"
"Well, he was on his way over to my house the other day and just as he arrived, he hit the gas instead of the brake, and boom -- the car hit the curb and flipped up and he crashed through the sunroof -- went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."

"Oh, God, what a horrible way to die!"
"No, no, he survived that; that didn't kill him at all. So, he landed in my upstairs bedroom and he was all covered in broken glass on the floor, with a broken leg. He spotted the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reached up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He was just dragging himself up when bang, the massive wardrobe came crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."

"That's terrible! What an awful way to die!"
"No, no, that didn't kill him; he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawled out onto the landing; he tried to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister broke and he fell off he landing. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spun and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him!"

"Oh, my God, what a way to die!"
"Well, that didn't actually kill him either, he even survived that. So he was on the downstairs anding, just beside the kitchen. He crawled in to the kitchen, tried to pull himself up on the stove, but grabbed a big pot of boiling water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."

"Man, that's got to hurt! To burn to death!"
"Yes, I'm sure it would, but he survived that! He was lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spotted the wall phone and tried to pull himself up to call for help, but instead he grabbed the light switch and pulled the whole thing off the wall, and, of course, the water and electricity didn't mix and he got electrocuted, wallop, 240 volts shot through him!"

"That killed him, though, right?"
"Well, no, he survived that, he ..."
"Hold on, just how did Paul die, then?"

"Well, I shot him!"
"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"
"I had to. He was wrecking my whole house!"

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long

before I can

get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says,

About 2 hours."

The guy leaves. A few days later the same guy sticks his head
in the door

and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber

looks around at The shop full of customers and says, "About 3
hours." The

guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and
asks, "How long

before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop
and says,

"About an hour and half." The guy leaves. The barber looks
over at a friend

in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where
he goes.

He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but
then doesn't
come

back." > >A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop,
laughing

hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he
left here?"

Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!