If a girl has PCOS, should she let a guy know that is talking to her regarding rishta? At what point in the process should this be brought up? Considering there being a small but real chance of infertility, miscarriages, pregnancy complications in this syndrome, is it even appropriate to bring up or better left not discussed, since risk of such is like 10% of women w/PCOS having to resort to IVF’s…
Secondly if the topic is brought up, Is it acceptable for the guy to bring this up to his mom? Sisters? What about his dad? Should the girl be asked first if it’s ok for the guys family to be consulted first prior to rishta proceeding? Do they have any rights to know about reproductive issues before the marriage?
In the scheme of things pcos is not considered a big deal. I didn't find out how it would effect me until I got married and as their are many ways to manage it, it's not anything I would consider I need to have bought up prior to getting married .
I think anything which could have an impact on your life together should be mentioned, so yes PCOS as well..
If ppl can chat about mundane and less important things like what style of clothing or jewellery they like it would seem a little off to me to ignore the stuff which might affect their lives more.. I still can't understand why people don't ask about living arrangements either but that's for another thread lol
If a guy knew he might have difficulty fathering a child I think that should be said upfront as well but personal issues should not be discussed with other family members or gossiped about..
^ But how would he know he'll have difficulty with it unless he had some knid of sickness or illness that resulted in sterilization (which I would assume, that he would know about...and if that's the case, he should be upfront about the illness and the kind of impact it has rather than focusing on one side effect). Most healthy people who don't have issues wiht their periods, or weight or being able to have an erection wouldn't realy know if they'll face any problems getting pregnant until afterwards.
^Some people have symptoms which mean they go the doctor who then suggests checking hormone levels etc. I know a guy who was in that situation so it does happen.. If a person doesn't have any strange symptoms like pain, excessive tiredness or problems with periods in the case of women of course they might not realise and can't expect them to know there's a problem..
Well, someone with PCOS just doesn't ovulate much so it takes a little longer to become pregnant than a healthy person. And there are medications that help you ovulate more often. Just make sure you don't get obese which makes it harder to treat this problem. I think you should mention this to a guy you are marrying ... not in the beginning but somewhere in the middle. And mention like its not a big deal .. mention it and move on. Don't make it an issue because it is not.
If a girl has PCOS, should she let a guy know that is talking to her regarding rishta? At what point in the process should this be brought up? Considering there being a small but real chance of infertility, miscarriages, pregnancy complications in this syndrome, is it even appropriate to bring up or better left not discussed, since risk of such is like 10% of women w/PCOS having to resort to IVF's....Secondly if the topic is brought up, Is it acceptable for the guy to bring this up to his mom? Sisters? What about his dad? Should the girl be asked first if it's ok for the guys family to be consulted first prior to rishta proceeding? Do they have any rights to know about reproductive issues before the marriage?
I'm curious...I don't know enough about PCOS, but if you have it, is it a pretty much definite that you would have fertility issues? Because in my experience, with some of these gynecological issues, infertility can potentially be a problem but there's no telling till you try. I know this was the case with me because of endometriosis. I remember my aunt was told she couldn't have kids by the doctors because she had never had regular periods, like she wouldn't have them for years sometimes. But she got knocked up within a month of getting married, and had 2 kids after that, so would you really share this information unless you were quite certain that you were in fact infertile?
Some people with PCOS do become infertile, yes. I have 2 friends with this condition and they are childless. But of course a lot of people with the condition get pregnant with or without help too. If I were you, I would mention it to the guy when things are looking up, not at the beginning. And no, he should not bring it up with his mom etc. When I was talking to my husband to be I mentioned that there was a chance that I could never have a child ( I had an ovarian cyst removed and even though doctors had said there were no issues with my fertility, I still had doubts because sometimes with any kind of abdominal surgery, your tubes get blocked). Turns out the docs were right and I was fine and conceived each time with no issues. But I think its best to lay out major issues on the table.
My thoughts below are based on the assumption that this is a totally arranged rishta and the guy is not a M.D. (neither are his parents or siblings).
If a girl has PCOS, should she let a guy know that is talking to her regarding rishta? At what point in the process should this be brought up? Considering there being a small but real chance of infertility, miscarriages, pregnancy complications in this syndrome, is it even appropriate to bring up or better left not discussed, since risk of such is like 10% of women w/PCOS having to resort to IVF's....
In my opinion, PCOS is not something that should be discussed during the rishta process. You wrote yourself that the chance of problems are "small". If 10% of women with PCOS resort to IVF....that means a whopping 90% don't. If the chances of pregnancy problems or infertility was higher.....more closer to 50%....then my opinion would be different. Let's face it......most non-medical people aren't capable of objectively looking at factual data when it comes to these things. Infertility/pregnancy issues are are easy to blow out-of-proportion by a desi guy (or his family) who have 0 medical background and who will ultimately rely on what they "hear" from others rather than take the time to truly research understand this.
Secondly if the topic is brought up, Is it acceptable for the guy to bring this up to his mom? Sisters? What about his dad? Should the girl be asked first if it's ok for the guys family to be consulted first prior to rishta proceeding? Do they have any rights to know about reproductive issues before the marriage?
Who cares whether or not you or we think it's "acceptable" for the guy to share this info? Let's deal with what the reality is......the FACT is that once you share this information.....you have no way to control it. The guy in a arranged rishta situation has no emotional connection to you and has not made any sort of commitment. If the guy himself is not a M.D., it's not unreasonable for him to go to his mother/father/brother/sister or even a friend to ask about this. Realistically.....what are the odds that a guy is going to spend hours himself researching this to learn about it? And once the guy shares this information with a 3rd party......again.....no guarantee who he/she will share this with.
Share it with one guy.....he shares it with his family....who in turn shares it with others who "promise" not to share it.......next thing you know the entire Pakistani community has branded you infertile.
I wouldn't feel the need to discuss it because the chances of being infertile are low and EVEN if that were the case with you (God forbid) then you have options to counter that. I don't know very many girls in their 30's who **didn't **have any sort of treatment with or without PCOS.
Keep your eye on the goal...first get married to a decent guy. If he's a decent guy, he'll be fine with whatever life throws your way and so will you.
I think its too common a prob to discuss as an issue with potential rishta. And docs these days diagnose u with pcos or pcos like symptoms way too often. The fertility issues are not as common unless u r having a lot of problems. And even then some ppl conceive really easily. One of my friends went to the gyne after marriage to get birth control. The doc checked her (maybe found a few cysts), said u have pcos (she didn't have any other issues), told her u won't be able to conceive without drugs so u don't need birth control. My friend went home and bam she was pregnant next month. So yeh, unless u have major pcos where it's been giving u issues since puberty I don't think u need to mention it. Another friend of mine had pcos probs, the facial hair, weight gain etc. she had a baby with no probs (she lost all her excess weight b4 getting married, and is now still thin post baby, I've heard weight loss helps symptoms). So u won't know about fertility issues till u try getting pregnant and since that is the more common school of thought (even by doctors) u don't need to make an issue of it when it might not be one.
What are the thoughts from guys on this wouldn't they want to know?
Even if all the guys say "yes".....you need to remember that YOU are the one taking all the risks. The guy has nothing to lose if you share this information. You, on the other hand, are risking becoming the new hot gossip in the community.
I believe you also have a younger (?) unmarried sister. Your parents are not heavily involved in the community which means other families can't "vouch" for them. If something likes this gets out in the community....it also has the potential to effect your sister in the future b/c again, we all know how desi aunties tend to blow things out of proportion (Ex. PCG has PCOS....OMG she's infertile....hmm....is something "wrong" with her sister too?!).
Really think about how sharing this can effect YOU and YOUR blood family first before worrying about the guy's feelings.
Hahahah arhay bhai If I was worried of such women I wouldn't have gotten so far in life. I moved out at 19, lived in dorms for college.. As a result my resume is mashallah pretty extensive. I lived on the grad school campus in roach infested apartments while studying how to save the lives of precisely these aunties and their ilk. Then I moved away to Texas, went thru a rebellion sex in the city type phase with knee length pencil skirts, the city girl. Completed my work thru reasonably competitive programs and now I'm at a teaching university still living alone doing part time private work and part time teaching and academic work with newbies.
If I actually gave a **** of what these aunties gossip about then guaranteed our reps are already ruined and people have talked about us behind our back. And yet I was always involved in the muslim prgs and I was the one putting activities together for the mullah fundoo Crew. I was the one arranging eid meetup groups and because of me people had venues thru which to meet other Muslims AND I've always topped in Islamic studies. Our living room is filled with all the trophies from memorizing The most surahs Etc. I got to Quran studies and sit at religious lectures all the time. Yes the girl that prolly gets gossiped about.
Sis is tired of the religious community here and has already rebelled. She wears skirts, doesn't go to the masjid (even for eid) and her Facebook pics are always her wearing sleeveless at a club with her white friends.
At this point, I could care less what people say about my ovaries.
^ PCG, a Pakistani girl living on her own, wearing sleeveless/skirts, not going to masjid whatever.......all this doesn't even COMPARE to aunties gossiping that that girl (and maybe even her sister) is INFERTILE!
While you may not care about what the aunties say......you do care about getting married. There are several factors that are already making it difficult for you to find a Pakistani husband. Sharing this.....is not going to help.
I just want you to be aware of and ACCEPT the risk you will be taking if you share this information. Don't be surprised/shocked if you share this and a great guy runs away b/c his family throws a fit OR if other aunties in the community all of a sudden start gossiping about this. When you share this with a non-M.D. guy, don't expect him (and certainly not his family) to be logical about it, and base their decision on proven science.
The guys I speak to are randoms of the internet, there is no one in this community of where we know people and even if there were the sin of gossip is on them. At least I'm not dealing with the sin of deceiving someone.
A guy, whether we like it or not, has a right to chose to marry someone with higher fertility chances. That's how natural selection works, these are natural laws, Allah made them, not me. If my PCOS was an on off problem like it was 5 years ago, then maybe I wouldn't discuss it, but now it has been persistently difficult to control, and based on my menstrual patterns, and the duration of the syndrome, plus me being in the 30's, it's not a NEGLIGENT risk. Having said that, there are medicines and treatments, and a guy should know that as well.
To date I havent been rejected for the PCOS. Other reasons yes, but not the PCOS. Even the coward who just recently says he is rejecting me for that reason fessed up 20 minutes later and admitted he just wasn't that into me, and it had nothing to do with the PCOS.
I personally would disclose it because if there were any health issues regarding the guy in question, I would want to know.
I think as a doctor yourself, you can value that those things do matter to some people. It's just something that I think the guy would appreciate you being honest with. Plus building a marriage on secrets isn't a good start.
I would disclose, even though I know it could jeopardize the rishta. If the guy has any medical probs, be it mild diabetes, mild asthma or even past depression, we girls would want to know too, I'm sure. Medical issues should be disclosed, IMHO. Tough one there.