Hey CB,
I know this girl who was getting married and was soon going to be moving to another country. She was very close to her younger sister. And after the wedding…when she was preparing to leave Pakistan to unite with her hubby…the sister started an argument with her. Why? Because she was afraid of letting her go. And for some, it’s a lot easier to instigate a heated argument…then to accept that someone will be leaving soon.
Sometimes parents get emotional (in an angry way) because they are afraid of losing their daughter. It’s a new chapter in their life as well. After all, she’s been with them for 31 years. It’s normal for them to be scared, defensive, over-protective.
Will the above advice help her? Well…it might help her. Especially if her method of discussion focuses on being defensive, emotional, and angry. Family discussions are tricky, lol. I’m a teacher and I’ve had to deal with tough defensive parents who don’t want to believe that their child is less than perfect or angelic. But conferencing is a part of being a teacher. And they advise teachers to always start with the positive, acknowledge the other person’s feelings, and then proceed to look at areas of concern. Often times…when we’re angry we just start rambling off with **“you did this” **and “you did that” and **“why are you being so sensitive” “what the hell is your problem?” “why can’t you let me live in peace?” “why can’t you be happy for me?”. ** See what I mean? It mostly becomes a blame game. To diffuse situations and neutralize them…you start it off in a calm and positive way.
Whose fault is it? Well, relationships are a **two way **street. And both parties can be guilty. For example, some people have **THE WORST **taste in gifts. I’m not kidding here. Some people will buy the most expensive BUT UGLIEST thing. And others will be more economical and buy the UGLIEST thing. LOL. People can simply have poor taste. The girls’ parents need to understand that maybe Danish’s parents are just not the best gift givers. And Farida’s parents need to set their priorities straight. **Whose gifts matter most? **The in-laws? Or Danish’s? Well, the answer is Danish. If the girl is happy with what Danish gives her in the relationship…then that’s what matters most. And yes, Danish’s dad could learn patience. And maybe it would have helped if he explained why he needed to wait for his daugther’s in-laws to set a wedding date first. And maybe his parents are not the best with socializing skills (some people are just clueless). And maybe things are done differently in Pakistan then in the Middle east…culture varies. Farida needs to think of all these points.
Also, Farida needs to learn a little bit about tolerance. She doesn’t have to respond to every little snarky comment made by her parents does she? She always has the option of overlooking the comments…in one ear/out the other. She has to have some self-control as well and in order to maintain the peace…she should try changing the subject sometimes. If she turns every comment into a full-fledged battle, she will be a nervous wreck by the time the wedding rolls around. And she needs to understand that tolerance is a huge part of marriage and dealing with in-laws…so get used to it now.
Hmmmm…has she tried flattery? Perhaps she can try telling her mom about a postive comment that Danish’s mom made about her. For example, “Mom, I was speaking to Danish and he said that his mom absolutely loved your cooking.” See, what I mean? And when both parents meet…Farida can try to be a facilitator of goodwill. For example…Farida can praise her both sets of parents in the company of each other. And she can even try to start topics of mutual interest that would connect both parties to each other.
Her parents might be picky and hard to please…but it’s hard for them to give away a daughter they’ve been with for 31 years. Fear can bring about negative attitudes. They say that even the root cause of hatred is fear.