Parents v/s The In-laws

[redvelvet]

@Chicken_Biryani

.. done alot of thinking , cant come to a conclusion whilst trying to help a close friend.. so will genuinely value your input ..

Farida and danish both work in Abudhabi in the same company. Danish’s parents are in pakistan while farida’s are in Abudhabi (UAE ). Danish’s dad called farida’s parents and requested them that they meet up on their next visit to Pakistan.

Once in Pakistan, Farida’s parents invited them at their place, all went positive.. next day they invited farida and her parents over at their place. Farida’s parents went expecting that they would give farida a token of acceptance like a ring or some money or even sir per hath rakhey gai or will say things like aaj sai she is our daughter etc etc , anything that would indicate that the rishta is pakka… but the flip was that the meeting ended casually , they didnt say anything… her parents still gave them some gifts and mithai they had bought for them from abudhabi .. danish’s parents hadnt expected the gifts .. they made another visit the same evening to farida’s parents and dropped a few gifts for her. ( farida’s mom wasnt very happy with the quality of the gifts coz she felt that they had gifted a very mediocre makeup kit and a mediocre suit )

The next day farida’s parents kept waiting for their call, and by the end of the day started getting very restless that their visit to pakistan was a flop and they shouldnt have come to pakistan etc etc .. come next day and danish’s father called and formally accepted the proposal.

since then, both parents were in touch occasionally.. few months later farida’s parents asked for shadi ki date.. danish’s dad said they were waiting for their daughter’s inlaws to give them a date so both his son and daughter would get married respectively one after the other. Farida’s dad called a few times like almost every other week humbly asking for the date,telling them that he wont be able to get holiday booked from work at a short notice so he needs 4 months notice in advance, danish’s dad was genuinely trying to get a date from his daughter’s inlaws ..

apparently he felt so pressured that when farida’s dad called again and again he became quite rude and said we cant give you a date until we have our daughters date and a few other things .. in short his tone was next to screaming . Naturally farida’s dad felt very insulted but insists that he still remained respectful and didnt call them for a few months.

Two months passed , danish became very ill, was alone in the country, suddenly his parents felt the need for his wife and called farida’s parents up to say if they can do the nikkah in three weeks time .. but her parents said they couldnt make the arrangements in that short a notice.

The date is now finalized and they will be getting married in a months time. but her parents are not happy with D’s parents. They are happy with Danish but keep repeating all of the above things to her again and again and when she tries to nuetralize the situation they say that she has ditchd her parents and is taking her in-laws side. they also tell her that through their behaviour her in-laws have shown that they have no respect for her or her family. they didnt give her any token at the time of the rishta, didnt say any words like she is our daughter etc and spoke to them harshly etc …

its worth mentioning here that D’s parents sent farida eidi from pakistan (clothes, purse, bangles etc ) .. and keep in touch with her every few weeks.

she has no issues with them .. but is now most confused then ever knowing how her parents feel . she gave them the choice that if you are not happy please refuse the family. but fairda’s parents say if she was younger they would have done so and found some other family but she is 31 and thy cant afford to refuse them.

I dont know who is right and who is not in this situation .. and how she should behave with either parties … any suggestion?

Farida is spending her life with Danish…and his character is what matters most, right? Although, yes it is understandable that she wants to maintain a positive relationship with both sides.

When neutralizing an argument, you start of by complimenting/praising…then acknowledging…and then bringing up areas of improvement/opposing views.

So…when it comes to dealing with her parents, Farida needs to sit them down and start the discussion first by praising them and acknowledging their hurt feelings. For example, she can say…**“Mom, Dad…I love you both very much. You both have done so much for me that I could never dream of replacing either of you with anyone else. If i did not love you both soo much or valued your opinion…then I would have never asked you both to consider cancelling the rishta. In spite of the fact that I’m 31…I left the decision of this rishta to you both because I love you more than anyone. And I acknowledge that Danish’s dad’s rude behavior. And I understand that you both were hurt by the tone of his voice. And I agree that his father could have spoken more calmly. But I also know that you both have raised me to be tolerant, understanding, and forgiving of others. We all make mistakes. We all let our problems get the better of us. We all sometimes have an attitude with others. In spite of what has happened in the past…let’s look toward the future. Let’s be proper Muslims and forgive the mistakes of others because we’re not perfect ourselves. And let’s look at the positve that his parents are doing…they have sent Eidi…the have asked for a wedding date. If they did not want me as their daughter-in-law…they would have rejected us all together. And most importantly…Danish is a good person…and has shown you that he’s a good son-in-law. I’m 31 years old…please let’s try to move past this. I’m only going to be living with you both for a few months and then I will be gone…let’s create happy memories while I’m still living here with both my parents.”
**

I apologize for the length. But you asked how she can diffuse the situation…and I feel that she can try to diffuse it by acknowledging both sides of the problem.