One of my best friends is in a mess. His father is very orthodox and rigid, basically a my-way-or-the-highway kind of a guy. His mom on the other hand, is extremely meek, and cannot do anything against the father’s wishes.
So it started when uncle and aunty started looking for rishtas for my friend. Uncle had a fixed image of the kind of girl he wanted as his bahu - someone submissive and traditional, who would always dress in a saree (not even a salwar kameez!) and basically be the obedient bahu, like the kind you see on indian tv shows.
Now my friend’s idea of a wife is very different - he wants to marry an independent woman who’s educated, has a career, or at least some interests/passions in life, and someone he can have an intelligent conversation with. He does not like the girls his dad selects.
Two weeks ago they had a big argument over this. Friend told his dad that since he will be marrying the girl, his choice/preference is more important. Uncle refused to budge and basically told him to go find a girl on his own.
So my friend is now in a situation where he has to arrange his own marriage. Any thoughts on how he should go about this? How can he handle the awkwardness with prospective bride’s family when they find out that his parents are not involved?
My friend understands that it is very unlikely that his future wife will get along with his father. He would like to live with his parents, but in reality he knows that is almost impossible. Ideally, he would like to live close by, but not in the same house.
Then I'd say it's just about being very social, and being actively part of the community, masjid, cultural events, etc. Also it means really openly telling people that you're looking and not being uncomfortable if people ask about it and make suggestions. EVERYONE seems to know someone who is looking; but most of us don't know if we can talk about it or suggest people. I think he needs to make it clear it's okay, and inshAllah, he'll meet someone.
Thanks Sahar. That’s what we have been telling him too - to be open about it and let people know he’s looking. A few of his relatives have been helping him too (though on the sly, everyone in the family is terrified of his dad )
This is my first post. I was in a similar situation where because of some differences I was told to basically look for a wife myself. I was also infact taunted and dared to do it. It was not easy at first. I was very liked by some people in the companies I worked for and they tried to introduce me to different people. It was also sometimes very awkward going to see a prospective family alone or with a family friend. Being in and around Islamabad, I would say 8 out of 10 families would not agree to proceed without my parents involvement. However that still means 2 out of 10 would and I searched among those open minded ones. Ultimately I found my soulmate and we married a few months ago without my parents involvement.
^ Wow, must have been a daunting task.. getting married without any parental involvement. I'm glad everything worked out for you in the end.
It's sad how some parents let their ego come before their child's happiness.
i was introduced to a guy last year who i really liked. he was educated, had a good job, well mannered and the family seemed nice. however, his dad was worried that i might 'run off with his son' so to speak. he finds it difficult to let his kids go and after a year, yes a year of wasting our time, ringing us when we went on our hols to pak, non stop pestering us, he didn't like the chance that my parents were given his son the opportunity to settle down, have his own place etc. his dad wants to continue living off the government, i.e. keep receiving benefits because hes disabled and keep his son with him. sigh.....
his son wants to have his own place, pay for a mortgage etc but his dad just wants to cling onto him for dear life, because apparently he has property in his name, and in my eyes ruin his chance of having a life of his own. now i'm finding it difficult to get over that rishta, his dad said that his son liked me along with his mum and sisters and i really liked him aswell. i got to know him aswell but now am back to square 1.
Well..i tell ya this. I am a guy and my dad is somewhat like the father what OP described. So here is my side of story. Me and dad get in big argument about marriage. My dad wants typical ghar walli bahu who is traditional and submissive. His ideas was that son and bahu should live with parents. I sat down with him..had heart to heart talk and basically advised him that my intention is to move out. I won't be living here with you but that doesn't mean i am abandoning you. He got really mad at me and started telling me that you are "kam akal".."and this is not your fault..ye tu yahan aab and mahool ka asar hay".
Anyway i meant to tell you..he basically told me that i can find soulmate myself. And if i wanna move out and then just move out now (and i actually did). Which was fine by me..but i am looking to marry indpendent, openminded and someone who has passion to do something good for herself. When i told my dad all that..again..he didn't take it well. So i am glad my siblings are on my side for sure..so Insha'allah all for the best.
Well i am optimistic or at least i like to think so eh!. And ya the concern i've is that how many prospective would like to have only a man sitting asking for rishta. Don't know yo!..
Im optimistic by nature, but after what I went through (4 years trying to find rishta) I have to admit I hold some bitterness. Although ultimately I have come out of this situation fine and Im very happy with my partner, but because I was subjected to many taunts....I can't resist taunting them back....sort of like "See, you said I would never be able to do it but I did and I am very happy too". My belief is one should always try to patch things up with family...and avoid arguments from getting out of hand but not at the cost of self respect.
If this guy has good education , good job , many people will be happy to know that his parents are not involved in rishta process.
Just keep looking , tell everybody you are looking , some people love to get others hooked up for shadi.
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