Parental books for dad - desi dads

[rabia3983]

Hello all,

so i am having a hard time teaching my husband about basic rules to follow when disciplining our 5 year old. My husband expects a lot from him and thinks our son is the only one who is very stubborn, disobedient and hardheaded. I have tired to tell him that he isn’t. But hubby is stuck on over disciplining him.
For an example: my husband was mopping up something (i was giving a bath to our 5 month old,) and my 5 year old asked if he can mop. As usual, my husband said no to him. My 5 year old ran to me and asked if he can mop. I said no, since Abu had already said no. This of course made my son very upset and he started to cry and got in trouble Later i asked my husband why he had said no him, all he wanted to do is mop. My husband’s response was, " we shouldn’t allow him everything he ask for." I told him this was harmless, and few days back i let him mop a small area. My husband refuses to see my point. He thinks we shouldn’t give him everything he ask for and I say that we pick our battles and give him things that aren’t harmful and only discipline on things like bad behavior or if he is aggressive with his baby brother etc.

I can’t seem to make my husband understand that our son is only 5 and is going through a lot at the time (kindergarten, having a younger sibling etc.)

So i want to find a good book that will help him understand and deal with this. Amazon had too many options.

Any recommendations?

[mahool]

Re: Parental books for dad - desi dads

Never say No to your child but suggest different course of action... bas app yehi baat samjhain apnay husband ko.

[Bobby1]

Re: Parental books for dad - desi dads

Hello all,

so i am having a hard time teaching my husband about basic rules to follow when disciplining our 5 year old. My husband expects a lot from him and thinks our son is the only one who is very stubborn, disobedient and hardheaded. I have tired to tell him that he isn't. But hubby is stuck on over disciplining him. For an example: my husband was mopping up something (i was giving a bath to our 5 month old,) and my 5 year old asked if he can mop. As usual, my husband said no to him. My 5 year old ran to me and asked if he can mop. I said no, since Abu had already said no. This of course made my son very upset and he started to cry and got in trouble :( Later i asked my husband why he had said no him, all he wanted to do is mop. My husband's response was, " we shouldn't allow him everything he ask for." I told him this was harmless, and few days back i let him mop a small area. My husband refuses to see my point. He thinks we shouldn't give him everything he ask for and I say that we pick our battles and give him things that aren't harmful and only discipline on things like bad behavior or if he is aggressive with his baby brother etc.

I can't seem to make my husband understand that our son is only 5 and is going through a lot at the time (kindergarten, having a younger sibling etc.)

So i want to find a good book that will help him understand and deal with this. Amazon had too many options.

Any recommendations?

Good on you for at least trying to educate yourself, I think both of you need education in raising children. First of all please don't give mixed messages. Five-year-olds can be very well behaved. Humans only repeat behavior that is rewarded, I can bet anything that his stubbornness has been rewarded on a regular basis. I deal with the public and it is very well known in the industry that our children misbehave a lot.

So lesson no 1, no always means no. It doesn't become a yes if he gets very stubborn or acts up.
If he does not listen, there has to be consequences and the consequences increase in intensity as behavior gets bad, never yell at a kid, take something away that he loves. Never give threats without following up.
Dont give mixed messages, husband says don't mop, mom says mop away..Seriously!!

I would be delighted if my child asked to mop anyway.
Overdisciplining is horrible if the child is not happy at 5 he probably won't be ever. We develop most of our brains pathways by 5. Let the child make brain pathways for happiness.

Be consistent, always reward good behavior and bad behavior has consequences. Biggest downfall of desi parenting is mixed messages. One day they punish a behavior, next day they reward the same behavior.

[rabia3983]

Re: Parental books for dad - desi dads

Good on you for at least trying to educate yourself, I think both of you need education in raising children. First of all please don't give mixed messages. Five-year-olds can be very well behaved. Humans only repeat behavior that is rewarded, I can bet anything that his stubbornness has been rewarded on a regular basis. I deal with the public and it is very well known in the industry that our children misbehave a lot.

So lesson no 1, no always means no. It doesn't become a yes if he gets very stubborn or acts up. If he does not listen, there has to be consequences and the consequences increase in intensity as behavior gets bad, never yell at a kid, take something away that he loves. Never give threats without following up. Dont give mixed messages, husband says don't mop, mom says mop away..Seriously!!

I would be delighted if my child asked to mop anyway. Overdisciplining is horrible if the child is not happy at 5 he probably won't be ever. We develop most of our brains pathways by 5. Let the child make brain pathways for happiness.

Be consistent, always reward good behavior and bad behavior has consequences. Biggest downfall of desi parenting is mixed messages. One day they punish a behavior, next day they reward the same behavior.

Thank you for your reply and suggestions. But i think you misunderstood my post and the reason for it. My son is not a misbehaved child. The problem i am experiencing is that my husband wants to restrict everything and I have been trying to convince him that we need to allow some freedom . I used the mopping incident as an example. In which i didn't allow him to mop either...seriously!!! (please reread my post.)

I also never said my son is an unhappy kid. Where did you get that from? You statements is assuming too much information.

seems like you are an expert at this, so please suggest some reading material for my husband and I can learn as well.

[rabia3983]

Re: Parental books for dad - desi dads

Never say No to your child but suggest different course of action... bas app yehi baat samjhain apnay husband ko.

Mahool i have tired to tell this point and given him examples too...but my hubby doesn't see the need for it. So i figured if he reads it on a book or an article...he might follow that. :{

[Bobby1]

Re: Parental books for dad - desi dads

Hello all,

so i am having a hard time teaching my husband about basic rules to follow when disciplining our 5 year old. My husband expects a lot from him and thinks our son is the only one who is very stubborn, disobedient and hardheaded. I have **tired*to tell him that he isn't. But hubby is st*uck on over disciplining him. For an example: my husband was mopping up something (i was giving a bath to our 5 month old,) and my 5 year old asked if he can mop. As usual, my husband said no to him. My 5 year old ran to me and asked if he can mop. I said no, since Abu had already said no. This of course made my son very upset and he started to cry and got in trouble :( Later i asked my husband why he had said no him, all he wanted to do is mop. My husband's response was, " we shouldn't allow him everything he ask for." I told him this was harmless, and few days back i let him mop a small area. My husband refuses to see my point. He thinks we shouldn't give him everything he ask for and I say that we pick our battles and give him things that aren't harmful and only discipline on things like bad behavior or if he is aggressive with his baby brother etc.

I can't seem to make my husband understand that our son is only 5 and is going through a lot at the time (kindergarten, having a younger sibling etc.)

So i want to find a good book that will help him understand and deal with this. Amazon had too many options.

Any recommendations?

I re-read the post as per your post you wrote the boy`s father thinks he is hard headed, stubborn and disobedient and you made it sound like you think that is acceptable behavior. First of all, if the father is saying no to everything and he is displaying behavioral problems than it is not possible to be happy. Parents should be involved in a lot of activities with the young one, he should be participating in chores and should be involved in activities like learning to swim, playing soccer, skating etc but he should be listening to parents and shouldn't be allowed to get away with bad behavior.

No should always mean no, if you give in when he is hard-headed or stubborn then you are reinforcing that behavior.

[Bobby1]

Re: Parental books for dad - desi dads

Also, if you let me know about specific situations then I can guide you. It is very challenging to be a desi parent in the current environment. I am involved with high-performance athletes and have read about and observed making of champions, one of my kids best friend is no 3 in the country in taekwondo, I know several others who are aspiring to go to Olympics. Our club had actually hired a sports psychologist.
What are your parenting goals? I met this Chinese girl who had a doctorate in engineering and she told me that her husband would read physics to the baby when he was still in the tummy.

Pay attention to physical literacy, in the western world they say physical literacy is as important as education.

[Lusi]

Re: Parental books for dad - desi dads

Your husband needs to take a step back, it is not him wanting everything. He is asking for helping you guys, so he needs to actually involve your son more in such activities before your son thinks dad is not an approachable person. Maybe that is what you should tell your husband. Tell him that you don't want your son to be a spoil brat and you want him to be caring and asking to help when others are doing work. There is a fine difference asking for activities and things for entertainment purposes and asking to help others. So tell your husband to take a deep breath, step back, and relax. Maybe he is going through post partum depression and his way of dealing is controlling the son.

[rabia3983]

Re: Parental books for dad - desi dads

Your husband needs to take a step back, it is not him wanting everything. He is asking for helping you guys, so he needs to actually involve your son more in such activities before your son thinks dad is not an approachable person. Maybe that is what you should tell your husband. Tell him that you don't want your son to be a spoil brat and you want him to be caring and asking to help when others are doing work. There is a fine difference asking for activities and things for entertainment purposes and asking to help others. So tell your husband to take a deep breath, step back, and relax. Maybe he is going through post partum depression and his way of dealing is controlling the son.

thank you so much Lusi!!! I sure didn't put it in those words and will try and tell him this now.

[rabia3983]

Re: Parental books for dad - desi dads

Also, if you let me know about specific situations then I can guide you. It is very challenging to be a desi parent in the current environment. I am involved with high-performance athletes and have read about and observed making of champions, one of my kids best friend is no 3 in the country in taekwondo, I know several others who are aspiring to go to Olympics. Our club had actually hired a sports psychologist. What are your parenting goals? I met this Chinese girl who had a doctorate in engineering and she told me that her husband would read physics to the baby when he was still in the tummy.

Pay attention to physical literacy, in the western world they say physical literacy is as important as education.

Bobby1, I am sorry but you aren't seeing my point. I asked you to reread my post to see that i also said no to my child since his father had already (in your first reply you said i didnt). I understand no means no...but it shouldn't be a "no"every time.

My husband thinks he is all those things (misbehaved, disobedient etc.) but that's the problem. What 5 year old isn't a picky eater? what 5 year old ignores rules? What 5 year old doesn't want to hold his baby brother? I am trying to explain this to my husband that this is normal behavior and we need to deal with it instead of just saying NO. BY giving him alternative choices like Mahool suggested.

you have too many assumptions and judgmental comments in your posts. Whatever your experiences and qualifications are, they sure aren't on how to deal with a worried mother. Maybe your criticism works with professional athletes (and their parents) but not working with a worried mother like me.

[Bobby1]

Re: Parental books for dad - desi dads

Bobby1, I am sorry but you aren't seeing my point. I asked you to reread my post to see that i also said no to my child since his father had already (in your first reply you said i didnt). I understand no means no...but it shouldn't be a "no"every time.

My husband thinks he is all those things (misbehaved, disobedient etc.) but that's the problem. What 5 year old isn't a picky eater? what 5 year old ignores rules? What 5 year old doesn't want to hold his baby brother? I am trying to explain this to my husband that this is normal behavior and we need to deal with it instead of just saying NO. BY giving him alternative choices like Mahool suggested.

you have too many assumptions and judgmental comments in your posts. Whatever your experiences and qualifications are, they sure aren't on how to deal with a worried mother. Maybe your criticism works with professional athletes (and their parents) but not working with a worried mother like me.

I am sorry I don't mean to criticize and no we don't criticize or admonish our children or athletes all that much. We don't need to as we set rules, set boundaries, train them and ake sure they are rewarded for good behavior and there always has to be consequences for bad behavior. Once kids know they can't get away by breaking rules then life is really a lot of fun as there is no stubbornness, hot-headedness etc.

Here I will give you some basic fundamentals.
1. Set reasonable rules. You and hubby should have a meeting and set reasonable rules
Train. You should train him to mop, hold baby brother etc and then let him do those things.
2. Set boundaries
3. Keep them occupied and engaged
4.Reward good behavior(always)
5.Don't ever punish in the heat of the moment, cool down and have a discussion with the child make him realize what he did wrong and calmly take away something he likes.
6. Never yell or scream at the child, it destroys brain cells, creates problems in learning, self-confidence is destroyed and child becomes anti-social and they learn to resolves adversity by violence as is very common in our culture.
7. I am dead against physical punishment and consider that as an abuse.
8. You are absolutely right that your child should be involved in holding the brother, and house hold chores. This is how their brain and motor skills develop. My White associates talk to their children all the time and listen to them with intent. Humans learn more when they are allowed to talk and by doing. This is a very critical age and the father should be bonding and interacting and doing a lot of things with the child, the child should not be afraid of the father.

My goal was to create a lot of happy memories in my childrens brain of their dealings with me and this is why we did a lot of things together, I made them my friend and we laughed and joked and bonded. When my father died I couldnt find any memory of us having fun and bonding and that is why I chose that route.

I wanted them to reward themselves with other things than money and get a capacity to enjoy life. I have seen many desis only pursuing money for success, I wanted mine to find happiness in outdoor activitieess like camping, rafting, hiking, mountain climbing, skiing etc.

Children grow up fast and I hope your husband realizes that a child is a blessing and not a burden and he learns to be gentle, patient and kind.

I hope he doesnt hit him or yell at him.

Are you going to put him in soccer, swimming, skiing etc?

[rabia3983]

Re: Parental books for dad - desi dads

I am sorry I don't mean to criticize and no we don't criticize or admonish our children or athletes all that much. We don't need to as we set rules, set boundaries, train them and ake sure they are rewarded for good behavior and there always has to be consequences for bad behavior. Once kids know they can't get away by breaking rules then life is really a lot of fun as there is no stubbornness, hot-headedness etc.

Here I will give you some basic fundamentals. 1. Set reasonable rules. You and hubby should have a meeting and set reasonable rules Train. You should train him to mop, hold baby brother etc and then let him do those things. 2. Set boundaries 3. Keep them occupied and engaged 4.Reward good behavior(always) 5.Don't ever punish in the heat of the moment, cool down and have a discussion with the child make him realize what he did wrong and calmly take away something he likes. 6. Never yell or scream at the child, it destroys brain cells, creates problems in learning, self-confidence is destroyed and child becomes anti-social and they learn to resolves adversity by violence as is very common in our culture. 7. I am dead against physical punishment and consider that as an abuse. 8. You are absolutely right that your child should be involved in holding the brother, and house hold chores. This is how their brain and motor skills develop. My White associates talk to their children all the time and listen to them with intent. Humans learn more when they are allowed to talk and by doing. This is a very critical age and the father should be bonding and interacting and doing a lot of things with the child, the child should not be afraid of the father.

My goal was to create a lot of happy memories in my childrens brain of their dealings with me and this is why we did a lot of things together, I made them my friend and we laughed and joked and bonded. When my father died I couldnt find any memory of us having fun and bonding and that is why I chose that route.

I wanted them to reward themselves with other things than money and get a capacity to enjoy life. I have seen many desis only pursuing money for success, I wanted mine to find happiness in outdoor activitieess like camping, rafting, hiking, mountain climbing, skiing etc.

Children grow up fast and I hope your husband realizes that a child is a blessing and not a burden and he learns to be gentle, patient and kind.

I hope he doesnt hit him or yell at him.

Are you going to put him in soccer, swimming, skiing etc?

Thank you for your suggestions, and continuing to believe that we don't have of those already. Not sure why are you continuing to assume so may things, is it because i am asking for parenting books? does that automatically means that i dont have rules/ boundaries set in my household. The books are for my husband.

YOU ARE MISSING THE ISSUE HERE...what makes you think i haven't set down and talked to my husband. MY HUSBAND refuses to listen to my suggestions (and yours,) and that is why i want him to read a BOOK. Hoping that he will take an experts opinion better thn mine. I am getting very frustrated at the situation (having to teach everything to my dear hubby,) another example...both of us work and i get home first with the kids. I feed the baby while the older one changes and is watching a show. By the time my husband arrives, its baby bed time. While i take care of the baby, my husband will start doing the dishes (baby bottles etc.) While my older one continued to watch TV, begging his father to play with him. I had to sit my husband down (few times,) and tell him that instead of dishes...he should spend/play with our older son. I actually taught my husband on how to get his attention (make eye contact, focus on him, and then ask him to go play with him.) Now they play, dishes are done after both kids are in bed.

So you see, it just a matter of explaining things to my husband... which in this situation i am not able to. I need him to read about normal 5-year old's behavior changes and how to deal with them.

I would like to see what your guess is about me having him in a sports activity?

[Bobby1]

Re: Parental books for dad - desi dads

Thank you for your suggestions, and continuing to believe that we don't have of those already. Not sure why are you continuing to assume so may things, is it because i am asking for parenting books? does that automatically means that i dont have rules/ boundaries set in my household. The books are for my husband.

YOU ARE MISSING THE ISSUE HERE...what makes you think i haven't set down and talked to my husband. MY HUSBAND refuses to listen to my suggestions (and yours,) and that is why i want him to read a BOOK. Hoping that he will take an experts opinion better thn mine. I am getting very frustrated at the situation (having to teach everything to my dear hubby,) another example...both of us work and i get home first with the kids. I feed the baby while the older one changes and is watching a show. By the time my husband arrives, its baby bed time. While i take care of the baby, my husband will start doing the dishes (baby bottles etc.) While my older one continued to watch TV, begging his father to play with him. I had to sit my husband down (few times,) and tell him that instead of dishes...he should spend/play with our older son. I actually taught my husband on how to get his attention (make eye contact, focus on him, and then ask him to go play with him.) Now they play, dishes are done after both kids are in bed.

So you see, it just a matter of explaining things to my husband... which in this situation i am not able to. I need him to read about normal 5-year old's behavior changes and how to deal with them.

I would like to see what your guess is about me having him in a sports activity?

If you learn how to get him on board please let me know how you did it as I could never get my wife on board with my idea of parenting, since I was determined as hell I had to learn to put out a very disproportionate amount of effort in their activities. My example for that is I hardly ever saw her make a normal conversation with the kids, she would constantly lecture, criticize, nag yell and argue with them and was on the verge of destroying her relationship with them. I told her thousands of time to just have a normal conversation, show interest in their lives, don't judge or compare. She is finally changing her ways and has a healthy relationship with children.

I had to do most activities with them myself and take control of the direction. It was overwhelming and now she totally agrees that I was right. Up to this day her eldest brother in law was judgmental about my parenting and that made me upset and I let him have it.