sometimes i feel like the TAMEEZ and LEHAAZ concept surrounding the parent child relationship in our society, no matter how important it is, is a disadvantage towards true communication.
i really wish i could go to my parents with some of the problems and dilemmas i have faced in life and discuss those with them and ask for their advice…coz after all in any matter in the world who can give better advice than your mother and father…but for the toughest dilemmas i never was able to and never can go to my parents…my friends also have experienced the same thing…
there is a whole range of topics you just can’t discuss with your parents b/c of tameez and lehaaz. my parents think of me as a very virtuous and moralistic person…they have me on a throne…and i would rather die than break that image in their minds that their daughter is not as good as they think i’ve made my share of terrible mistakes but i’d rather they stay in parda from my parents
:-/
i can generally still discuss things with my mother openly but still dont discuss certain things because my mother cannot keep anything under the sun from my dad and my dad has an even more pakeeza image of me, i am the only daughter in four brothers and my father’s laadli…if i ever spoilt my father’s image of me i would really feel like killing myself because my dad is one person in the world i never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever hurt.
…today…i really wish things were different…as i face one of the biggest decisions of my life…yet…i cant go to my parents for advice…even if im dying to…
atleast we have ALLAH…and we can talk to Him…ask Him to guide us…
u made some very gud points there irem! i still feel that there shud not be ny kind of communication barrier between parents nd children but we all know that in the most of cases, it does exist and its hard cross that barrier.
as far as disucssing most matters are concerned , mothers are generally more receptive nd caring, but u r rite that there r some issues that we simply cant take up to mothers coz of that tameez and whatever that is stoping us from talking to them.in that case, u can talk to ur elder brother or sister, they r usually very considerate towards their young siblings nd they might be able to give u some worthy tip. i think, friends can come quite handy too in these conditions, freinds who r sincere and r ready to listen u nd give u some appropriate advice accordingly.
n other thing which u have raised is that image that our parents harness in their minds of their children being super humans or some heavenly souls, i guess they r wrong here . they shud be realistic nd shud expect that their children r part of this society nd may have acquired some germs unwillingly.we r not angels or some infallible souls. we r humans, nd its the learnig process all the way, we learn from our mistakes. the thing is that we shud repent whenever we make mistakes nd make a resolve of not repeating it.i personally feel that failures r very instrumental in moulding someone ordinary into the tough guy.
what is failure?nothing but education, nothing but a step towards success!
i hope, i made ny sense there..waisay i was already feeling sleepy
waisay that was a gud thread.
Irem, I know what you mean.
I have often disagreed with my mother and she takes it as disrespectful. I'm like, I'm trying to tell you what I think. But the "discussion" sounds like an "argument" to them. Anyway, they've gotten used to it now. I speak my mind, and I think it's for the best.
Sahar i’m not talking abt disagreeing in this post yaar…
i do that too sometimes but wish i dint…sigh
i belong to the school of thought which says, never disagree with parents, be obedient to them at all times…but i sometimes do fail to practice this
its a good thing u are open with ur parents. i usually convery my feelings to my parents abt a certain issue…but if its in direct opposition to their views then i have to do it in a very round about way so as to not offend them
khayr in this thread i was saying more how our parents can provide the best guidance to us but we cant go to them with all our problemz coz the nature of some problemz is such…
Right, so like issues regarding “relationships” or “sex.” Yah, I know what you mean. It’s especially sad because when you read the Hadith and stuff, it seems like all that stuff was discussed pretty openly!!
And you want guidance about all that stuff but don’t want to get yelled at for thinking about it…
^ hmmm yeah i guess those kinda topics too and some other moral issues too...basically if i feel i've been morally bad i cant discuss it with my parents coz i feel they think i'm too good and i dont wana disappoint them...
khayr off to hit the bed yaar, tata and thanks for the replies :)
Mothers are supposidly girl's best friend. If the mater is so important and you wont tell your mother then think about the situation when after some time she came to know about that(decesion) from you or some other source, how much she be angry or sad, that you did't trust her to share your problem with her.
I agree that there are few (very small number of cases) where parents are not the best choice for asking advice for personal issues, in that case too, you need to consult someone before taking a decision. There might be something you are overlooking and that person might help you notice it.
Most parents know about their child too well. And they can understand the changes they go through while growing up. when a child is emotionally disturbed or having difficult times parents know it first hand. So then thinking that they wont understand your problem is wrong in most of the cases.
So worrying about your image is acceptable in office envirnment or among class fellows, but parents are the ones who actually have made you what you are today. That is not going to change unless you take some drastic steps to shock them. Well that too happens a lot in our society but again some children are not close to parents, which I guess not is the case with you.
hi irem, your thread reminds me of my cousin, as virtuous as anything. He grew up in a very much monitored environment. Loved and liked by parents, uncles/aunts and all of the cousins for being brilliant in everything. He topped in every exam. His two brothers were at more liberty who were sent to boarding schools since chlidhood. This was done on an experimental basis. He proved to be a better ‘person’ than his brothers. I have been very close to him and have known his dilemmas in keeping up his image. Look what he had to say. “I crucified my dreams to fit in the frames my parents and others made of me.”
The end result:- He is held in high esteems still today as compared to his brothers. He has sacrificed a lot that I cant describe here in a few words. His one of the tragedy is that he has failed to discuss imprtant issues with his parents because he loved them and respected them and like you would never like to hurt them. Certain things happen to everyone in the life, like everyone falls in love and he seeks parental intervention to have that issue solved but discussing with parents, it feels as if parents would consider it as immoral so he abstained. Abstaining from venting out his feelings, my cousin lives a life of a monk today though he has everyother thing to his credit. He has a good job, good rapport with everyone and most importantly social value. Though he could not seek, he is sought after.
The moral of my cousin’s story is that you do lose so much if you keep your image solely imprtant but the gains are as much high as well. So the price you get for shedding a tear is enormous. Would he be writing on the nature of parent-child relationship at the end of day, I dont know but his woes revolve on this concept. He says understanding a human relationship is a task worth taking.
I know this wont be solving your dilemma irem as he has the simialr dilemma. I just felt like telling you that you are not alone and also that doing this you do not necessarily lose alone, you gain as well. God bless you
**thanks guys…i am so glad Allah swt gave me such an amazing, wonderful, understanding and loving older brother. and i decided to talk to him about the issue
Saadia baji icecream aap ko mere ghar pe aa k khaani ho gi most welcome to my GHAR in Pakistan anytime for all the icecream u can eat
p.s. agar maamla khushasloobi se solve ho gya Saadia baji [ap dua karna..inshallah] then i will definitely tell u i know i shudnt paa this rola on GS but kasmay aaj kal GS is the only social circle i have between job and ghar
i’ve made my share of terrible mistakes but i’d rather they stay in parda from my parents 
most welcome to my GHAR in Pakistan anytime for all the icecream u can eat 
…waqai bhali ka koi zamana hi nahi hai 