Pakistani Boy, Indian Girl...what to do?

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1

Hello everyone,
I have been visiting Pak.org since last year and have found it a very nice place esp since I am living away from home. This is the first time I am participating in the gupshup forum. In my opinion, most of your posts seem really mature and helpful. I am sure you could give me some useful pointers…

A few years ago, I could not have even dreamt that I would end up in such a confusing situation and have to ask others for help but I guess it just had to happen. So here I go…

I am an Indian girl in love with a Pakistani boy since the last 2 years. I respect his culture and religion(Islam) and we haven’t had any issues about the cultural difference. Call me naive, but I felt that as long as my partner is a decent, educated, respectable and loving person, others things don’t mean a lot. (And thankfully he is all that and more)

My parents back home don’t mind the difference in the religious background but feel that I am getting into a very complicated situation and have asked me to pull out of the relationship ASAP.

Will I be able to please my partner and my parents at the same time ever in my life? My friend feels that if we get married and stay happy, the parents will come to accept the relationship in time. I would love to marry him but am not sure if we could handle a plethora of life-long problems :rolleyes: It is a nightmarish situation for me and would love to get out of it without causing much heart break to anyone. I know it would have been best not to get involved in the first place. But it is probably too late/useless for me to think on those lines. Any suggestions, friends? :confused:

2

Fish:

I am sure you and your prospective spouse have considered various issues which will arise after you two get married. I think one of the biggest one that you guys have to consider is about your kids. Have you discussed with your mate about the religion of the kids? Your desion may arouse resentment from parents on both sides or atleast one side. This issue is something which needs to be chalked out as early as possible.

Indian and Pakistani cultures are somewhat similar with differences here and there but nothing which, IMO, can't be compromised on. I actually like some parts of Indian culture especially the rakhi ceremony (which by the way is my mum's favortie also) and diwali.

More as this thread develops.....

3

[quote]
Originally posted by The Fish:
I would love to marry him but am not sure if we could handle a plethora of life-long problems
[/quote]

First things first, what sort of problems are you expecting?

For me there is no major problem, except the religion issue and that will depend entirely on the guy. If he feels strongly abt it, he will want you to embrace Islam BEFORE he can marry you. If you cannot accept it, then this is the right time to get away. If, however, this Pakistani guy is indifferent, the remaining cultural issues should not be very significant.

In a way I am reenforcing ghalib's point, bcz this religion issue will also determine abt the kids.

BTW, if you decide to embrace islam, it is my sincere advice not to accept islam just for the sake of this guy. If you choose to accept Islam, it should only be after you have studied it (preferably through an Islamic teacher) and feel that it is the truth and is the right way. Many muslim scholars discourage non-muslims to accept islam for the sake of their 'love life'. :)

Good Luck!

4

Hi,

I've seen this situation many a time. In the UK there are a lot of couples who are hindu/muslim (as well as everything else of course :) ).

Firstly you have to ask your BF (?) if he is commited enough to take this relationship further. I suppose the same question goes for you too. If both of you are not ready then you will need to determine what you need to do to your relationship.
It is a sad fact, but I know many Pakistani guys that will lead girls into believing that they will marry them. They may not have the intention or be strong enough to go against their family - but they do promise.

From speaking to unmarried women, I do get a sense that most of them see this world as an uncomplicated utopia. This opinion gets highlighted when you talk to married women about the same topics.

If only everything in this world was so simple that we could have everything we want.

You will have to both sit down and discuss how you will tackle your family prejudices (if there are any), your kids (their faith) and what will happen in the future when your religious/cultural differences get in the way.

At the end of the day, you both know in your hearts what is best. You have to ask yourself - are strong enough to do whats right...

BTW - these are my opinions :) ;)

[This message has been edited by CoolDude (edited October 26, 2000).]

5

Miss Fish I don't think there is any thing wrong with loving someone...so what if the other human belongs to different religion. But the big Question is whether its ok to marry this person?

From your post u sound like you are a mature adult and have considered all possible scenarios before and after the marriage. However, removing the blind fold of love for analyzing this situation, do you think that both of you would be able to handle the pressure of society, parents and relatives. Also, like Ghalib mentioned would you be able to give an identity to your kids as far as religious values are concerned.
I don't mean to discourage you but I think its a big gamble and the couple should be ready to face the consequences.

ciao
BoSS

6

Fish,
I agree with Pristine that u should not change ur religion for that guy. Its not fair and would be lie.
The problem is where u r going to live after marriage. I am more than sure u cant go to Pakistan without changing ur religion and even after that there would be scores of problems.
From ur post I couldnt figure out about the guy. There is something missing...Is this a real situation or u are assuming some scenerio as u might be attached with someone and feeling what will happen if u go ahead. If this is real how is the boy feeling and his family.

7

Hi Fish,

Well firstly I`m quite sorry to hear your dilemma, it can be very frustrating.

Firstly Do you really think that this guy is really worth all the bother?
If you truly do and he is just as in love with you then girl go for it, however as long as it is love and not just infatuation.

However before you do this you need to find out what situation you are gonna be in afterwards.

Do you know what his parents think about the relationship? Are they supportive or not?

From your post I get the feeling that your parents are not supportive, so if his are then it wont be so bad.

However if they are not supportive either then you have got to start thinking, cuz in our culture you dont marry one person, you marry the "whole family", so if your supposed to be movin in with em then it will be hard, very hard.

On the other hand if you are gonna move away once married then there wont be as much problems, and his family will probably come round after some time.

I think the most important thing for you is your parents.

Is this guy worth hurting your parents over?

You have had all the loving feelings and thoughts and following your heart, now i think you should start following what your head is telling you, by weighing up the pros and cons of the relationship.

Best of luck

8

Fish,

there are 3 ways you can go about this:

1) Marry this guy and live happy non-religious lives and bring up kids in the same way (if there are going to be any).

2) Become muslim, marry this guy and still live happy semi-religious lives and bring up kids in the same way (if there are going to be any).

3) Become muslim and do everything very religiously (and happily of course!), assuming this is what you want.

All of these options are possibilities, find out which one your bf prefers. My guess is 1) or 2) which shouldn't really provide much problem unless it's from your end.

9

I agree wid Mariah…but if u guys are goin for it than u should talk about the future and the kids religion and identity…
wish u all da BEST

A bend in da road is not da end of da road:)
chk out ma website
http://ammars.4t.com

10

Ghalib, Pristine, CoolDude, Degas, Maria, MrExtreme and Ammars,
Thanks for taking out time to put your opinions forward. You have brought some very significant issues for my consideration.
Ghalib, glad to know that you like some of the Indian festivities. It has been very exciting for me to learn about the similarities and the differences in the 2 cultures. From what I have heard from my friend, the Pakistani families are very close-knit. (similiar to my family) But, I was sad to know that people would find hard to accept me if I am not a muslim.:( Anyway, that's the truth and I am glad to know it now than later.

The thing is my friend is more excited and hurried to get engaged than me. I am glad to say that he is fully committed. There is no 'hera-pheri' involved. He feels that I am getting confused unnecessarily. What worries me is this: There are certain issues that my friend does not agree with and there have been times where I have been left thinking whether our relationship is worth all the sacrifice. I also think I will find much more resitance from my family members than my friend would. I love my parents, I respect them so much. So, I am likely to end up in tears both ways (whether I marry him or not)

As for now, I am thinking hard about religion, future, commitment, resistance from parents etc. My exams for the final semster start next week so I will decide something very soon...
God bless.

11

Fish.

I've been in your situation, and I can somewhat relate to you.

I am an Atheist, and a guy. I was with a girl of Islamic faith who is Iranian. Now, according to her, she wasn't religious (according to her, and you could tell she wasn't). Anyhow, we've been together for such a long time. But, I was a secret to her family.

Then one day, her parents (being religious, and not her? awkward) found out about us somehow, because I was given an unsuspecting call from her parents.

Her parents, nicely and respectfully issued the problems that would arise with us being together. Considering, that women of Islamic faith, to marry someone outside (from what I hear) is a big-time sin, and the fact culturally we're different, where'as I'm Indian, and she's Iranian, my mere farsi is not upto par with Iranian farsi, and the obvious that we're of different faiths, with me not having one.

I fully respect what her parents said, they even proposed that if I were to convert to Islam, that this wouldn't be a problem for us to be together. But for the obvious, if I'm not even a practicing Sikh (of my original background), and am an Atheist, to convert to theist views apart from Sikhism, for the sake of 'love', is not just an insult to Sikhism, but even to Islam.

I knew one thing is, I would never want to date someone if it would interfere negatively to her family, or cause internal problems. Because, essentially you don't get married to your partner. You really get married to a family. And it's important to have strong family ties.

It was hurtful, but me and this girl mutually agreed that the relationship should come to an end, before it gets longer and when the obvious break-up would be even more emotional.

My opinion really is. Although, this might be politically incorrect to say. But, inter-religious marriages really seem to not work (without any side converting), and even with conversion, there still leaves problems with external affairs such as family.

My advice really is, try to avoid this. Unless you fully want to convert, or have your partner convert for the sake of religion and not love. Your beliefs should be taken seriously (how I take athiesm seriouly), because you live and operate your life really on your beliefs and morals, and they really can't change when you are married (or even converted).

Simply, a new religion is like learning a new language. It's simply hard not to mix in the old language with the new.

Arai

12

Arai,
Thanks for your input. I guess you can imagine what a tough situation this is having been there yourself. What I appreciate is the fact that you had the courage to pull out when you saw the potential problems. Till now, I have been blind to most of the problems. I had the 'it will work out' attitude. But alas, life is not so simple.

Honestly, I fear that if I get married to my friend, I may not be able to live the kind of life I want fully (ie relatively tension-free and friendly ties with my parents as well as in-laws.) I will be struggling to satisfy my parents, my husband and his family all at once. On top of that, a career has alwys been a prority for me compared to matrimony. So, I ned to figure out if all that is humanly possible...At the same time though, my friend is promising me everything. That makes me nervous. I know he is committed to make this work...I want to be fair to myself, to him and to my parents.

About religion, I don't want to convert simply because of love (as some other members rightly pointed out). That wouldn't be fair. This is so tough. Hopefully, God and my soul (inner voice) will guide me towards the right direction.

13

Indian Girl in islam you are allowed to marry a non-muslim women with the intention of becoming a muslim, and if you are you should have no problems but if you have problems with the muslim family then tell them go to hell.

14

fish, I read your dilema and comments from other guppies.
Personaly I think cross religon and specially between hindu and muslim is quite hard to work.
I never seen such a marriage survive. I can see many reasons eg. unable commet to partner or too hasty decision without working out everything.or could not stand to pressure from family or society etc

I think biggest issue is religion. It will be very unlikely that you two may live normal life if returned to india or pakistan. However in US it is no problem.

May be I missed but I think you never mentioned about how your partner parents feel about the relationship or possible marriage. Are they religious? against marrriage or what??.

May I suggest that before yuo two start commeting youself to serious business of getting married, pay visit to you parents together and see what reaction you gather. The reaction of your parents seeing you two together might help you two about what could be future can like.

If either of parents reject such a marriage then think carefuly because it may be that you or your partner may cut off from his family. The questions is how much you or your partner are willing to scrifice in order to get married. What if you or he may regret the whole idea 2 years down the line.

hope everthing workout to somthing good for both of you. good luck.

15

hi fish,
I hope u r doing ok.I am muslim guy and am involved with indian girl who happens to be hindu.both of us r moderately religious,u know what i mean,that is we belive but dont practice much.we r also thinking bout getting married.same issues, u know. i proposed to her and asked her to accept islam,as u know, as muslim i cant marry a non muslim.she aggreed superficially just for legal and religious purposes.but deep in her heart,she is hindu.i greatly respect that.we talked about it .
i am sorry,i am talking about myself ,u are the one who wanted suggestion.let me tell you in prose by Atish
aag ka darya hay aur doob kay jana hay(word to word translation is < it is river of fire and you have to get drowned init to goto otherside>.
many issues not to mention cultural,religion, kids and extended families.Before u decide anything just think about future that from 25 years from now if u were looking back at your decion ,what would do think.for it is the future which matters.todays wounds u can see and they will heal.but future wounds we cant see.Best of lack fish.take care.

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Madam fish by anychance can you fry a fish, if you can handle that you can handle anything.

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[quote]
Originally posted by kingshah:
*Madam fish by anychance can you fry a fish, if you can handle that you can handle anything. *
[/quote]

sabb jawaboN maiN say yehi aik jawab kaam ka hai!! hahahhah hahhahaha

hahahahha

:):):):)

beyond the horizont°°°my heart is gone