[Warning: contains graphical description of people being killed by gunfire]
Pakistan ponder brave new batting order
By our batting correspondent
Kolkatta: As Pakistan prepare for another epic battle at the Eden Gardens, it has been revealed that unlike his New Zealand born but very Indian counterpart, team selection is a no longer a major worry for coach Bob Woolmer. This has come to light as Sources close to the English/Non Pakistani coach, have told TheSourceNews that the team management is considering brave new strategies as far as team selection and batting order is concerned. The Bengal Police have reported that the betting markets have already closed as they see no point in accepting bets - given the sure anticipation of the result as a Pakistani victory.
In a confidential but very cryptically titled document , “Very Highly Top Secret Team Selection Strategies for the 2nd Test ( at Kolkatta) by Bob and Inzi”, pushed under this correspondents hotel room door, it is clear that some roles have been redefined. According to the report, the Pakistani batting order has been adjusted “ever so slightly” to allow top batsman a better chance of understanding the pitch conditions at Kolkatta before they come into bat. The revised batting order with individual strategies reads:
-
- Danish Kaneria ( with runner, to counter Indias opening spin attack e.g. Zaheer, Irfan and even Harbhajan )
- Mohammed Sami ( accompanied by hair stylist Fabio )
- Younis Khan ( role to anchor the innings in the beginning - will be provided with BW designed foot mat to better judge position of off stump )
- Rana Naveed ( to take most of the strike if playing with Younis )
- Salman Butt ( now playing with a shortened bat length so as to avoid accidentally nicking 100 ft high bouncers )
- Taufeeq Umar ( Saman Butt to use cattle prod to wake Taufeeq as he tend to sleep on the field )
- Razzaq ( to do the actual batting - is now under training with a blindfold to allow him to play Harbajan )
- Akmal ( ditto as Razzaq )
- Asim Kamal ( will not be shown the scoreboard until he reaches 250 )
- Inzi ( now playing with bat tied to his left pad to avoid lbws against Kumble )
- Yoyo ( to finish the innings with a flourish )
The report also suggests penalties for dropped catches ranging from “skinning alive” to “roasting on hot coals” for the deviant fielders and prizes such as free supply of lassi and biryani for those in the top order who last more than 5 balls or are not out LBW to Kumble twice.
Our PCB correspondent now deceased] adds:
The Chairman of selectors, Wasim Bari has publicly denied the existence of such a report. Speaking in a joint press conference with Sarfraz Nawaz outside his living quarters in Mayo Hospital for the Mentally Insufficient, he said "This is so untrue - I have always believed that Taufiq wasn’t a middle order batsman and that he should spearhead the bowling attack from Pakistan - Isnt he in the squad for Australia ? ". He then broke down into tears and was helped back to his cell by the reknowned exponent of bottletop based fast bowling, Sarfraz Nawaz. Taking further questions on Pakistans current performance, Sarfarz surprised all present by vehemently supporting Bob and Inzis new batting strategy, stating that this was the kind of bold thinking that had made Pakistan world champions in his time and if this is what is meant by having a foreign/alien/non Pakistani coach, he was all for it. When journalists pointed out that Pakistan weren’t World Champions in his time, he produced a 20mm Gatling hand held machine pistol, and laughingly shot all journalists present , including your humble correspondent [Editors note: This story by the deceased journalist was found intact by Police at the crime scene and is being reproduced for the Publics benefit]
Our India correspondent adds:
As keen cricket buffs at Eden Gardens, appropriately armed with machetes and knives, absorbed the contents of the secret plan, there were reports of widespread revulsion and condemnation of the Indian Captain, Sourav Gangulay. Once a hero in India, now reviled for his abject surrender to top Pakistani batsman Akmal and Razzaq, Gangulays effigies burnt late into the light, bringing more light and merriment to this fantastic city. Even the experienced commentators on Indian cricket could not hold back their disappointment. One such expert, Arun Laal, when interviewed vented his anger at the captain of India saying that Bob Woolmer had again shown the Indian camp that he can think 11 steps ahead. He complained "Why must we always be third best - I say we move to the second position and If Pakistan can open their batting with Kaneria, India should match fire with fire and ask Kumble to keep wickets!".
[Read more satire at TheSourceNews]](Yahoo | Mail, Weather, Search, Politics, News, Finance, Sports & Videos)
exactly my sentiments 
… :k: all the best to him this time around - chukk de phatte!